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Showing posts from 2011

Reflections

As most of you know, (hahaha, meaning my 2 or 3 "fans") last year was a pretty rough one.  I could go through each thing but that would probably cause me some anxiety and possibly some drinking.  Or crying.  Or screaming.  So we'll leave it at, it wasn't the best.

But the truth be told, I wouldn't go back and change any of it.  Not even that moment where I was headbutted and pretty sure for a split second that I was dead.

My year ended well.  Christmas Eve I was mopey and all feeling sorry for myself.  Barbie, Jr. was with her dad and I was home alone.  I won't lie, I spent the entire day in bed sulking. Christmas day Santa brought me my Christmas Spirit. Watching the joy in Barbie, Jr's face as she opened her gifts was priceless.

I spent lots of time with my girl over Christmas break.  She spent New Year's Eve with her dad and I spent mine with my parents and my nephew.  We laughed, and acted silly and fed the cat cheese.  And of course I had my croc…

Bazinga!

I keep looking at the clock making sure it's not April Fools day.  Or waiting for someone to jump from around a corner and tell me everything is one big joke.

First off my cell phone went "bloop" and then died.  That happened the day after I figured out my debit card info had been stolen/hacked and someone got me for over $200.  I barely had an extra $200 laying around.  It's slowly but surely getting sorted out.

This after the most recent drama in my life which would be Savannah doesn't want to go with her dad.  The last 2 out of 3 times she went for an overnight with him she sobbed until she made herself sick wanting to be with me.  It all began around Thanksgiving.  Initially I thought maybe it was because I had been upset over the cat.  But it continued.  It's hard to see her like this.  When she thinks she is going to have to go she gets hives.  And from my standpoint, it's the most difficult thing ever.  I don't know what is going on in her hea…

There is a Santa Claus!!

I know because I have seen Santa not once, but twice, waving along Rt. 60.  I even embarrassed Barbie, Jr. by honking at him and shouting HI SANTA out the window.

This year Barbie, Jr. is at that age where she's skeptical.  I came across a pretty neat website where you can make a personalized video and send it to your child.  The look in her eyes as she watched it was priceless.  Even better was after the video was over she says to me, "MOM! I think Santa's been creeping on me on Facebook!"  But it took me back to when I was her age.

My grandfather, Dr. Harold E. Ward, was a professor at Marshall University. When he began at Marshall, it was still known as Marshall College.  He was probably one of the smartest people I ever known.  I was only fifteen when he passed and I wish I had been able to learn more from him.

As I was growing up, I recall many times that he would take my cousins and I to his annual Christmas party at school.  And every year, Santa would be th…

Big. Fat. Phooey.

I'm in one of those moods where I feel like the world is against me.  One where I feel panicked, like my breath is being taken from me.  It's been a really long time since I felt this way, in fact, I was probably married the last time I felt like that.  I just feel like I want to sit and cry.

Typically we try and find things to be thankful for in November.  I could name a million things I'm thankful for, and at the end of the day, even the things that are stressing me out right now are pretty minor.  I just feel like it's been one blow after another this month.  Pneumonia, asthma, flooding, vet bills, sick cats, broken dryers, broken wallet and now, my car is effed up.  All while trying to Christmas shop.  They'll let me buy things on my looks alone, right? Not that I'd get very far in that department with this rudolph nose, pale face and bags under my eyes from lack of sleep due to stress.

And now, the "girlfriend" has requested to talk to me.  I ha…

We all have ability. The difference is how we use it. --Stevie Wonder

So, things have started to look up for Barbie Girl.  In the past 10 days I've logged about 6 or 7 hours in at the vet's office.  I've had a wonderful Thanksgiving, with my family. And I've been reminded of how blessed I am.
This time last week, if you had told me Miss Dolly would still be with us, I would have thought you were crazy. I feel like I know the people at the veterinarian's office by now.  And they are wonderful, caring people.  After thinking it could be a multitude of things, turns out, Dolly has severe arthritis in her back and hips. Right  now it's being treated with steroids and pain meds.  And of course, I'm faced with the reality that at some point, these medications may not work and I may have to make that one big decision I dread. But I will not dwell on that, I will simply enjoy the time I have with her.  
She has mellowed some.  Marco has taken to laying with her on the blanket, mainly because she no longer hisses or growls at him.  Sh…

Guess I must be wishing on someone else's star...

The month of November has been difficult.  Not nearly as difficult as the beginning of the year, but still difficult nonetheless.  Started out with Barbie, Jr. being pretty ill, the office flooding and now, Dolly (the cat) isn't doing well.  Oh, and add the "holidays" coming up, and you have one pretty bummed out Barbie Girl.
I will be honest, I thought by now I would have found someone, and maybe even someone I could take with me to family functions during the holidays.  Seems as though that isn't going to happen.  I seem to be having a rough time with the holidays yet again this year.  I've had many reminders the past few weeks that I am indeed a "single mom".  I can't get the cover back on the light hanging on the ceiling in the hallway.  During Savannah's illness, only ONE person asked if they could do anything, bring me food, etc.  And that was a friend.  Her own father didn't even ask if she needed anything, and he's trying to argu…

Shhhh brain, I'm trying to sleep

It seems as though we are on the upswing of the Barbie, Jr. illness which developed into pneumonia.  Fingers crossed she continues to get better rather than get worse.  Today has been her first good day in nearly a week. She is still pale but has a little more color in her face than she did a few days ago.
Needless to say, I've been exhausted.  To the point of being weepy even.  At night when I would try and rest my brain wouldn't shut down.  Of course by the time I hit the point I thought just maybe sleep was an option, her fever would spike, she would cough and wheeze and I'd end up staying awake to watch over her.  Not a complaint by any means, I wouldn't have it any other way.  
I will say, I do give big kudos to Ex-Ken.  He's been a real trooper through it all especially since she missed her weekend with him and her overnight tonight.  He's been very understanding and patient and I'm sure he does miss her, I know she misses him.  But he understands and…

One of those nights..

I'm exhausted.  I've had a headache for 4 days that won't seem to go away despite tons of Excedrin, Motrin and Aleve.  No, not truly tons, not all at the same time.  Thinking maybe I have been dehydrated, I've been drinking plenty of water.  Nothing.  This damn headache won't leave.

The worst part being, my baby girl is now sick.  Going on day three.  Fever, cough, aches, etc.  A virus they say.  But you feel so helpless when you can't really do anything to make the misery go away.  Of course plenty of TLC helps, but that only goes so far.
It's one of the few times I wish someone else were here with me.  As a mother, naturally I get worried when my child is sick.  It would be nice to have someone here who could hug me and tell me it will all be okay.  Someone who would hold me and let me cry out of sheer exhaustion and frustration.   Tonight is one of those nights I miss that part of a relationship.  It's that missing link I hope to find again someday. …

Self-esteem and all that jazz

I realized that I went on a first date for the first time since I've been dating again (okay, so I've had maybe 3 first dates?) that my nerves were due to normal first date jitters, not because I thought he would take one look at me and want to run the other way.  
My other dates I truly, deep down, stressed about that.  I would think, he's going to see me and run.  And I believed that.  It is heartbreaking to me, that I thought so little of myself to even think that way.  On the other hand, I'm thankful I have finally found my place where I have more confidence, more self-esteem.  Sure I stressed over the fact that my hair wouldn't cooperate, but I didn't have that fear, that little voice inside that told me, "You are fat and ugly.  Why would anyone want you?  He's going to look at you and run."  The only voice I heard was the one telling me to just be myself and I would be fine.  And I was.
I'll never be skinny again.  I'll never be the …

Death leaves a heartache....

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal and memories no one can steal."

It's hard to believe it has been 7 years since we lost my granny.  For some reason, this year is especially hard on me.  Because of all we've been through?  Maybe.  Because I know she would be proud of me?  Absolutely.    

I dreamt of her night before last.  She was on her porch and I was driving by.  I was ashamed because in my dream it had been over a year since I had been to visit her.  All I know is I'd give just about anything to hear her laugh again, to see her smile and for a hug from her.  I miss her so much.

If you can't take the heat....

I'm very proud of myself.  In all this self-transformation, the one thing I have finally realized is, it's okay to stand up for yourself.  In my divorce I managed to finally take a stand, but found myself afterwards, still walking around, worrying too much about hurting feelings and less about what was best for me.  I can proudly say, during the past month, and everything sort of falling into place, I realized, you're gonna hurt feelings sometimes. You can't make EVERYONE happy.

I've lost a friend or two because of this, but the bottom line is, they really weren't friends to begin with.  One used me as an alibi without my knowledge and dragged me in the middle of tons of drama, the other wanted to keep me on the backburner as a potential girlfriend in case the perfect woman never came along.  I made it clear that I indeed was one hell of a catch.

Guys, let me tell you something, I am all for keeping your options open if you are not in an exclusive relationship…

You are nothing but....

Dialogue from a year ago today.  In the middle of Wal-Mart.  Yep KLASSY!

Me:  "You hurried up on your route thinking you could avoid me huh?  You are nothing but a LYING sack of SHIT!"
Him:  "I didn't do nothing."
Me:  "Oh bullshit. Men don't send men text messages with fucking smiley faces in them.  When you get home from work, you're shit will be packed and on the porch.  I want you OUT!"

Best words I ever uttered in my entire life.

Don't let the sadness of your past ruin the present.....

A year ago this weekend, is the weekend that changed my life.  I had a conversation with a random person that spoke loud and clear and told me for once, to follow my gut.  And I did.  And what I found was shocking and devastating.  At the time, I thought it was one of the worst moments of my life, now I realize, it was a blessing.

I went through all the right motions and cried.  I cried A LOT.  I felt defeated.  I felt hopeless.  I felt sad.  I replayed the prior 12 years in my mind.  All the problems we faced, the struggles we had been through, and tried to blame myself.  But I couldn't.  He continued to convince me he wasn't seeing the other woman, he wanted me back.  But finding out he was lying to me (big surprise) and living with her is when I think I hit rock bottom.  But it all made sense.  And that's when my determination kicked in.

I made it through the holidays.  Of course there was turmoil.  He was living with her and I was seeing someone.  He couldn't take …

Berta and Fred Pt. 1

This is a story of two friends Berta and Fred**

Fred:   Blah, blah, blah, I like to crochet and do granny things.
Berta:  We should do granny things together.
Fred:   I got some new crochet patterns.  I'm going to make some hats.
Berta:  Never EVER say that on a first, or second date.
Fred:   But what if I want to make my date a hat?
Berta:  NEVER.  Listen to me.  You don't talk granny things on a first date.
Fred:   Fine.  Third date?
Berta:  *glares at Fred* No granny talk.

** names changed to protect the "innocent"

Don't worry, be happy. :)

I started this blog I believe sometime around 2005 or 2006.  As I mentioned before, so much of what I posted in the past, while it has a lot to do with who I am now, it was too painful and a chapter of my life that I closed, so I removed it to start fresh.

Today, I can post for the first time since I started this blog all those years ago, I am truly, fully, utterly happy.  I am at a place where I like myself again.  I'm single, I've lost weight, I feel great most days, I walk outside and see beauty all around me, and it's freaking wonderful.

I look in the mirror and love myself.  And it's not about my appearance.  I can look at myself and no longer feel shame.  I look at myself and see a woman who has changed tremendously over the past year.  Has faced some of the most difficult times in her life and kept plowing along stronger and with more determination.  Determined to not fail.  Determined to prove to mainly herself that she would survive.  And I did.

I finally tol…

Spongebob is brilliant!

Day two with my therapist (oh hey, did I mention I started seeing a therapist) and we discussed how I realized through my divorce that I have always lived my life according to how others felt I should live.  I always would seek approval from family and friends before doing anything.  How I often go along with things just to keep the peace.  How I never speak up for myself or how I feel.  How I never make decisions because I think I'm being "easy to get along with".  All things I have realized.

So she gave me a chapter from a book to read as homework.  It was like reading my life.  I sat in the bathtub, engrossed in these 20 pages, feeling like someone was describing ME on paper.  Realizing so many more things about myself that I never realized.

And of course it gave tips and examples at the end of how to break this cycle.  And I must say, defriending someone on Facebook and telling them how I really felt was liberating, and fell under part of the steps to overcoming subj…

I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan!

Fatal Attraction, that is the best way to describe it. You have crazy people then you have bunny boiling crazy people.   Sadly, a person who was at one time supposed to be one of my best friends has become the bunny boiler.

It's over a man of course.  Isn't it always.  I was told the other day, "Dude, she's CRAZY jealous of you."  Well, apparently so.  I'm nothing to be jealous of.  I'm me.  I'm goofy.  Sometimes an airhead.  But now because someone has paid attention to me and not her, "I'll get what I deserve".  Only that came from her crazy ass fake FB profile she created.  I'm done, I'm over it and I'm watching my back.  And still trying to figure out how to get this freaking knife out of it.

20 years ago...

It's hard to believe tomorrow (September 7) will mark the 20th anniversary of my grandfather's passing. He was a handsome man, incredibly smart and a veteran of WWII who received 2 purple hearts and a silver star.
I was only 15 when he passed. I was very close to him, but wish I had been able to learn more about him. I have many wonderful memories of him from him driving me to school every day when I was in elementary school, the little songs he used to sing to us, his athletic shorts with dress socks and shoes, the list goes on and on. He was the first person to teach me how to use a computer. A Commodore 64.
I also recall how difficult it was watching him deteriorate as his illness worsened to the point he became almost childlike. During the summer before he passed, I remember him randomly starting to cry and telling me to never use drugs. Or his dislike for the garden guy on tv. Or how he wanted a piece of the meatloaf my mom had made him, and I was such a dumb kid…

Change in all things is sweet. --Aristotle

I always get a little melancholy when school starts back up. I'm not one of those parents who looks forward to it. Fact is, even though I work during the day, I miss all the time I get to spend with Barbie, Jr. when she's not in school. A new school year is another year closer to my baby girl growing up.
I had a discussion with her dad today about how much she's changed and how she's adapted to the changes in her life with such ease. And what a good kid she is and how proud we are of her. But the whole discussion, and the fact that we managed to have a discussion, made me think about all the changes that have happened over the past year.
I knew this time last year that 35 was going to be a life changing year for me. I didn't know why, I just felt it in my gut. And shortly after turning 35, is when my world began to change. I am a completely different woman than I was. I'm still the goofy, not so shy anymore, loud, silly, not afraid to be me woman I used…

Sometimes we just know

Strength. A simple word, with a big meaning. Dictionary.com defines it as:

the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.mental power, force, or vigor.moral power, firmness, or courage.It's amazing what I have learned about myself over the past year. I have been through so much. And I will tell anyone who asks, it has made me a much stronger person. I never realized what strength I had until it was all I had to rely on.
I've been hurt, and have been the one to hurt others. Oddly, the one person I regret hurting the most is the one person who needs my strength more than anything right now.
I live by the belief, everything happens for a reason. I don't know. Maybe I am just rambling from lack of sleep. All I know is, I can't let him down again.
And what scares me the most, "The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back." Sweet Home Alabama

Panic. Sadness. Hurt.

Feelings you experience when you realize you made a mistake.

The fear of having my heart broken caused me to let go of someone I now realize I deeply cared about. Combined with a controlling, abusive ex-husband who threatened harm if that person kept coming around. And now all I am left with is sadness in my heart. Why must I be so damn stubborn and afraid?

Fears...

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of falling. I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of what's in it. I'm not afraid to love, I'm afraid of not being loved back.


This quote sums it up so perfectly.

Sadness

I'm really sad today and I don't know why. Of course breaking a tooth and smashing a deer with my car might be contributing, they aren't the main reasons. I just seem to feel so empty and alone right now. It all really hit me when I did hit the deer. I was already bummed about going home to an empty house, and when I hit the deer, my first instinct would have been to call asshat before, but I ended up calling my mom instead. I miss the companionship. Miss having that person to call on my way to work every morning. And I'm so proud of how far I've come in the past few months and how much all of this has changed me. So I would never want to be back where I was. I know or at least I hope I will find someone someday, but it's gonna be awfully lonely in the meantime.

But it's all I have

So here's the thing. Since we separated in October, I have lived solely on my income. My income which is half of what my ex-makes. And I have made it. I have had some help from my mom and sister, but mostly, I have made it on my income alone. He's given me $50 here and there but I haven't seen any child support. His claim, he was putting a roof over my head (he did make the house payment, which was half of what his child support is). Yeah, he did, but he still owed me.

He's now a month behind. He was supposed to go on Friday to catch up but apparently told them "all he could pay" was $150. I know for a fact he just bought a new flat screen tv for $250. He went to Tennessee over Memorial Day weekend and is going on vacation the second week of July. He drinks like a fish and goes through over 10 cans of Copenhagen in a week. Not to mention gambling and anything else he spends his money on.

On top of that a friend overheard him telling someone that hi…

SInging the blues

I'm having a mopey kinda day. My ear is hurting, yet nobody knows why. The doctor couldn't figure it out. My blood pressure is up. I feel like hell. But I did lose 12 pounds (silver lining???).
I saw him and his woman out driving this evening. I wanted to barf. Not out of jealousy, but because here I was alone. I felt like a loser because I have nobody. I'm sure he eats it up that I am alone and he's got a girlfriend.
I suck at dating. I can't find it in me to be forward enough to ask someone out. The few people who act interested run for the hills. What am I doing wrong? And technology today makes things SO much WORSE. It used to be you sat by the phone waiting on him to call. Now you check your phone for missed calls, texts, check your facebook and your e-mail. It's agony. I just want someone who will come over and watch a movie with me, or just hang out. I can't even find that.

Some things I've realized...

I go through the moments where I'm bitter, and angry, and jealous that asshat has someone to spend his time with. But at the end of the day, I realize I am the one who is lucky! I am the one who has a wonderful, supportive family and wonderful, true, real, amazing friends who would do anything for me. And he doesn't have that. So in the end, I win. Because my true friendships will outlast any relationship he ever has.

I hear.....

All I can hear is the hum of the a/c and an occasional sound from one of the 3 pets. Barbie, Jr. is with her dad and I'm home alone.
The alone part is what is so hard. I like my alone time, but then again, I wouldn't mine having someone to talk to. I can log onto Facebook at any given minute and end up with some ridiculous post that gets a hundred comments, but it isn't the same. Phone conversations to maybe discuss what we've been through? Someone to hang out on the couch with and watch tv. Go to a movie with. I don't want to plan a wedding or move anyone in. I just want someone I know I can pick up the phone and call and who will be there for me.
Today was really hard. This week I have met Asshat's new girlfriend. When we met, she seemed unfriendly. I chalked it up to him convincing her I was the devil and only telling her horrible awful things about me that were untrue. She called me today and apologized. Said it caught her off guard, and she want…

Ramblings of a mopey girl

I should be packing since my brother-in-law is coming to help me move my living room furniture tomorrow. But instead, I am here, with a cat laying on me, typing away.
I am so overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed with my move. Overwhelmed with trying to keep details straight. Overwhelmed with my life period.
Apparently I suck at dating. Something about me evidently makes men run for the hills. With the exception of married men which I seem to attract or men who want to have conversations with my boobs. Yes, I live with them every day, it's no secret they are there, but I do have a face. I've taken to the method of doing the Bobby Goren tilt, leaning over and saying MY FACE IS UP HERE. And really, I don't want anything serious right now, but being alone all the time really sucks. I spent years with asshat feeling alone. I don't necessarily want someone to be with me all the time, but having someone to talk to when I feel alone sure would be nice. And I don't…

Happy girl Martina Mcbride (lyrics)

New beginnings...

Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too...

My divorce is now final and I'm in the middle of moving. Ironically, I got my divorce order AND my keys to my new house on the same day, which also happened to be Friday the 13th!
The times I find myself alone, I end up bitter and angry that he has found someone. Not out of jealousy, but because I'm the one who spent half my life miserable. HE stole my happiness. Why does HE deserve to be happy? Why do I deserve to spend my days alone while he spends his with the weenie woman and her son? Yet at the same time, I hope he finds happiness. I hope in all this he has learned how to treat others. That in order to have a relationship, you have to be honest. And sometimes, put others first. I find myself doubting that he has learned anything other than using it all …

17 years, and 8 pages later.....

Even though I know I am doing the right thing, it's difficult. I thought I had cried my last tear after the abuse but it turns I was wrong.
Yesterday, asshat and I sat down with our attorneys and an hour and a half later, on 8 sheets of white paper, were the terms of our agreement. 17 years on 8 sheets of paper. I cried the entire time. It started over nothing really, the tears just began to flow almost as soon as we sat down. Luckily, I didn't go into full blown sobs, just the steady stream of tears down my face.
On May 11th, this chapter of my life will end. I will again be Adkins. I will no longer be a "married woman". I will then become a "single mom". And on May 13th, I get the keys to our new home. I'm excited to move on with my life. Excited for new beginnings and as much as I have been through, a bit sad about the end. I gave everything I possibly could and I know this. But even those times I couldn't stand to be in the same…

Moving on

It's been a really random few days. I've discovered, sometimes being strong for the sake of your child is sometimes really difficult but something that must be done.
I've realized that some people will continue to live life playing the victim. As in, never owning up to the mistakes they make. I will be the first to tell you, I make mistakes and I've made plenty of them. I have learned from them. And I move on. MOVE ON being the key word. My plea to asshat is, move on and quit making my life a living hell. I've admitted the mistakes I made and I am attempting to get on with my life. I don't deserve the hell you have put me through for over 15 years and you sure as hell never deserved me. But I got the best of you and she's asleep beside me. Because of your actions that you can't seem to own up to, I get the joy of going to bed snuggled up to her every night while you lay in your cold, lonesome bed at your parent's house.
I realize each day h…

In the words of Marilyn.....

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe

It does exist.....

I've been reading through the blog archives I removed. Printing them out. As much as I would like to forget them, the bottom line is, my past has made me who I am today. I should not find shame in it.

One post in particular caught my eye. I've never made it a secret that I'm this hopeless romantic. Deep down, there's a little girl inside of me that has always believed fairy tales do exist. So this post from October, 2008, made me sad:

There's no such thing as a glass slipper.I want the fairy tale. I want Prince Charming. I want the man who tells me how completely wonderful I am, even if I DO eat ice cream cake while on my diet. I want a man who takes my breath away each and every day. A man who doesn't lie to me, doesn't hurt me, and doesn't take me for granted. I want to be Cinderella damnit.

The thing is, Walt Disney lied to us. All of us little girls who dreamed of perfect love and romance... LIED TO. There are no fairy godmothers, there are…

Last time I checked

So the last time I checked my birth certificate it had me turning 36 this year. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no whiz at math, but I am pretty sure my current age is 35. Apparently there has been some confusion since everyone wants to treat me like a fucking child.
I'm sick of everyone telling me how I should live my life. Sick of the guilt trips when I do find happiness. Sick of the negativity.
But it's fine, because one thing I have learned lately is, this is MY life. As long as I am not potentially harming my child, then nobody should have any say in what I do. And they can't stand that. I will make mistakes like everyone else and I will learn from them. I will no longer live my life for everyone else, I now live my life for ME!

It will never happen to me.....

If you'd told me 17 years ago I'd end up a victim of domestic violence I would have said you were crazy. IF you'd told me a year ago I'd end up a victim of domestic violence I would have said you were crazy. Something like that would never happen to me. Well folks, guess what, it did.
11 days ago to be exact. We've been separated for over 5 months now. He lived for 2 of those with the woman that led to our separation. And I, after 5 months went on a date *gasp*.
He's been on a downward spiral for months. Even while living with her, he would call me up and scream and make crazy accusations about me and a friend of mine. It had gotten to the point, I refused to communicate in any way except for texting. Then Barbie Jr. became sick and was hospitalized, my dad had already been hospitalized for some time and all around the same time as he moved out of her house.
We were able to communicate once again. We'd had numerous conversations over the months of …

Don't be trapped by dogma.....

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

No words could be so true. Over the past 4 1/2 months I have realized a few things. One being, I've let too many people be involved in how I live my life, thus causing me to live someone else's life. Not a life that has been my own. And it's all coming back to bite me. I'm now a 35 year old, single mom, who can't sneeze without someone giving me an opinion. Or giving me shit about how I sneezed. It's frustrating but I only have myself to blame.


Ten Pet Peeves of a Barbie Girl..

Random pet peeves! Jerks who have to be first and pull out in front of you even though there isn't a car behind youFleas, I don't really know if you could call them a pet peeve but they annoy the hell out of me.Selfishness. It isn't always about you. I'm just saying!If a woman cooks dinner for you, for God's sake, thank her! Offer to take a freaking plate to the kitchen.Needless, self-created dramaJustin BieberDating again. I haven't dated in 17 years. It sucks.Big words for simple things. It's art class damnit, not "enrichment"Mean people. They just suckWhen you've had a conversation at least ten times yet the person acts like it's the first time they ever heard of such a thing

Starting over......

I'm the same ol' Barbie Girl. I've got the same attitude, the same sense of humor, the same family, but my past is history. I'm starting new. Time to quit dwelling on what could have been, what wasn't, all that went wrong in my life and dwell on being fabulous. I would sit and read back through my old posts and while they make me who I am today, they also make me incredibly sad. Of course I saved a copy, but they can no longer be found on my blog.

I want to focus on being a wonderful mom and a good person. I want Barbie, Jr. to see a mom that is happy, not sad and depressed.

2011 already has been a challenge. Barbie Jr, spent a week in the hospital, my dad spent almost 6 weeks in the hospital, and at times we weren't sure he'd make it out. I have a renewed thankfulness for many things, one being my family.

Over the past few months, I've learned a lot about myself and a lot about people. I'm tired of settling. I want to be appreciated. And I&…