Friday, December 02, 2016

Who says you can't go home?

It was between the lyrics "I went as far as I could, I tried to find a new face. There isn't one of these lines that I would erase. I lived a million miles of memories on that road." and "Guess who's back?  Back again?" for the title to this post, but "Who says you can't go home?" seemed perfect as I feel like I'm home again.

It's silly, I know.  I don't know if anyone even reads blogs anymore.  I don't know if anyone reads mine.  It doesn't really matter.  My therapist suggested I write again whether it be in my journal or blogging.  But my immediate thought was this blog.  This is where I poured my heart out for years and it feels like my home.
The last post I made here was about how wonderful my life was.  How much better it was. That was a little over a year ago.  And let me tell you.  It's been a hell of a year.
My kiddos are wonderful.  Barbie Jr. while still sassy at times, is becoming such a beautiful (of course she's always been beautiful), amazing young woman.  She isn't at all afraid to be who she is and stand up for herself and others when she needs to.  I am just so incredibly proud of her.  She turned 14 this summer.  Can you believe it?  My little man, who I shall call, He Man, is almost 16 months old and an absolute joy.  He's got the most pleasant and cute personality.  And is learning the art of a temper tantrum which I must admit, most times makes me chuckle. Motherhood feels so much easier this time around.  I almost feel guilty because I feel like I'm better at it now than I was with Barbie Jr.  But being a first time mom is hard and I'm much older and much wiser (ha!).  And honestly, it one of the few things I'm somewhat confident about in my life at the moment.
The other would be my job.  I switched roles at my office and I couldn't be happier.  I am now doing the job I was meant to do.  I love it. I love the people I work with.  I don't mind getting up and coming to work every day where I used to almost get sick thinking of work.  I'm so thankful I took the leap a little over 2 years ago to come here. It was rough for a while and I just wish I had switched roles sooner. 
As for the rest of my life.  Well, it could be better. It's taken me three days to write this last part.  It's difficult in so many ways.

In early July, we went to the beach with my family, and my aunt and uncle.  My uncle had been diagnosed with lung cancer in January and one of the things he wanted to do was go on one last vacation to the beach with his brother.  And of course we made that happen.  Day 1, while looking something up on the fella's phone some personal ads come up in the history.  I open one and realize it's a woman.  A local woman (local to home). I threw the phone at him and ran inside feeling like I might throw up.  He followed me and I told him to get the fuck away from me.  I didn't even want to breathe the same air as him at the moment.

The next day we talked.  He of course tried to turn it around on me.  I shut that down completely. We decided to sort of table everything until we got home.  The last night, I made more discoveries on his computer and would continue to for a few weeks.  Had anyone ever told me he'd do something like that to me, I would have never believed them in a million years.

Less than two weeks after returning from the beach, my uncle passed away.  He was the uncle we traveled with every summer during my childhood. My dad's brother.  He and my dad were really close so it was not only hard to say goodbye, but also to see how devastated my dad was that his baby brother was gone.

My grief continued not only for my uncle, but over my relationship as well. I went from sad, hysterical, and crying, to angry and shouting.  And stuck financially.  After many long talks, we agreed to go to counseling so I made an appointment for not only us, but for myself.

Fast forward 4 months.  We've now been dealing with my dad having health issues.  He's been in and out of the hospital for the past 6 weeks and has declined so much since his brother passed.  He's had a toe removed, pneumonia, and a foot infection after the surgery.  We finally seem to have him going in the right direction.

Counseling has been sporadic because of all this.  I have kept up with my therapy though.  In all of this I realized, almost every relationship I have had as an adult has ended up with my being cheated on.  And so I can't help look in the mirror and wonder, what is it about me that makes this happen?  And I desperately want to think it isn't me, but would it happen this many times if it wasn't?

I spent years in a relationship being told I was not good enough. That I was fat and nobody would want me. But then I get angry with myself for thinking it is me.  But you hear things enough you start to believe.

I want things to be okay, but he wants to act like it never happened.  I want to know why. I try to talk about it but my words fall on deaf ears.  Not just for that, but anything.  I feel lonely and sad a lot of times. I've given up for the time being on trying to open up and verbally work things through with him.  But I'm keeping a list of issues for our next counseling session.  It's gonna take more than his ass sitting in a room every other week to make us work.

If you read this. Gold star.  Leave me a comment just to say hello.  I mean it's possible not a soul will ever read this but if you do, I'd like to hear from you.

Monday, November 02, 2015

Au revoir, farewell, goodbye

Not that I'm very posty anymore, but after some thought and major life changes I'm shutting down this blog.  Well not really shutting down, I've just decided to get a fresh blog start elsewhere.  I will always be Barbie Girl but my life has changed.  It's different.  It's so much better.  And it deserves a place of it's own, away from my haunted past.

So if anyone still reads my blog, you can follow me to my new home:

Love to all.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Time flies when you're having fun.

Heck, I don't even know if anyone still reads my madness or not.  But here I am, posting again.   Let's see, since my last post Barbie Jr has officially become a teenager and Barbie Girl is a mother yet again.   A teenager and a newborn, should be interesting.   I've been off work several months due to pregnancy related health issues and just hope to have a job to return to.  As scary as becoming a mother again was, it has all come back to me.  My whole world is officially complete.  My life is better than I ever could have imagined.  I've come a long way. A really long way.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015


I don't post a whole lot.  Some because I'm too busy, some because I start and then draw a blank and mostly because I don't have a laptop and trying to type all my ramblings is nearly impossible from a smart phone.  (Edited to add that after typing that last sentence I searched the interwebs and found a bluetooth keyboard!! How did I not know this existed??)

Right now I'm overwhelmed with life.  I'm pregnant, now unmedicated, trying to continue to grasp the million aspects of my new job, trying to get my house and my life in order in preparation of the baby, worried about my niece who is having health issues, and heartbroken over my father who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia.  Everything would be difficult while medicated but unmedicated I feel like a ticking timebomb.  And add to that my weight and age during this pregnancy and the worry of any possible health issues for the baby.

I started this post yesterday so I don't really know where I was going with it all other than I needed an outlet to vent. I'm still blessed in so many ways and need to just enjoy life day by day.  It's just really hard because day by day we see changes in my father and it makes me sad to think that he may not really know this baby.  The reality of his future is just setting in for him as well so he's been really depressed.  And that's difficult to see as well.

The good news is they are adjusting my niece's medication so hopefully this will help her condition.  I had my blood drawn today for genetic tests to be done so now I get to wait two weeks for the results.

In the meantime I'll be saying lots of prayers and doing a lot of meditating.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Is it just me?

I know I'm alone in this one, I love the snow.  I freaking love it.  The minus degree temps, not so much, but I do, I love it.  Now don't get me wrong, if I lived in New England I have no doubt, I'd be quite over it by now.  But I don't live there, I live here, so damnit I'm going to enjoy it.

Which brings me to the reason for my post.  Apparently I am the only parent in the history of the world who never minded being stuck at home with my child.  I loved snow days.  I loved the snuggling and watching movies or cartoons all day.  And even now, I was a little sad I didn't have my Barbie Jr. with me the past few days.  She's with her dad this week and I've been snowed in.  She usually does her own thing when she's at home but I still missed her.

So when you start to complain, this kid is driving me crazy, or I must get away from him/her/them, remember, they grow up.  Life is short.  Enjoy them while you have them.  And most of all, count your blessings.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Merry Christmas

It's taken all the way up until Christmas Eve but BG has finally found her Christmas Spirit.  A two week bought with the flu and several rounds of steroids have taken their toll on this ol' gal.  But finally, it's here and I'm so excited for the upcoming days.

This time yesterday I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  By the time I left work I was so agitated and worked up that I was nearly in panic attack mode.  I took a deep breath, collected myself and got down to business.  I finished my shopping and wrapped all my gifts.  Now I won't promise the gifts are pretty, but by golly they are wrapped.

I am almost always happy anymore but I woke up cheerful today.  Like a weight had been lifted.  Of course that can also go back to the boyfriend who acknowledged my stress yesterday and bent over backwards to pitch in and do whatever he could to ease things up on my plate, right down to making sure dinner was covered.  And why?  Because he wanted to say thank you.  Yes, he said this.  He ran himself ragged yesterday doing things I was worried about getting done, so I wouldn't have to fret.  I don't know what I did to deserve him but I'm sure thankful and blessed.

And for the first time in probably 15 years I had to work on Christmas Eve.  It's slow, and I don't have much to do, but all I know is how thankful that I am to be in this office with wonderful people.  There are certainly ups and downs to any job, and I was terrified to take this leap, but now I'm glad that I did.  I actually have never regretted it.  Sure there are days I want to pull my hair out but there is always someone willing to step in and say, "What can I do to help?"  It's a nice feeling actually. 

I could ramble on for hours about how humbled and blessed I am.  I have seen God at work in so many ways this year.  My year started out in turmoil, having to move again, just life in general rocky for me.  But it all worked out and I know it's because God had a bigger plan for me.  And he has a plan for you as well.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Glimpses of karma

It's pretty sad, I blog so seldom, I had to go back and see what my last post was about.  And when.  Nearly 4 months have passed and there have been so many more changes in my life.

The big change is, I was granted an amazing job opportunity that I couldn't turn down.  So on August 15, I said goodbye to the job I'd held for over 13 years.  It was time for a change.  I'm still a paralegal but it's a completely different setting and better pay.  I can finally afford to give my daughter the things she needs and deserves without worrying how to make ends meet.

Really that's the biggest change.  There have been minor changes some of which I may have already mentioned within my family.  Good and bad but we know things could always get worse so we manage.  My dad's health has been failing for some time and we now know he has early stages of dementia.  Being a daddy's girl, it's difficult to see, but I cherish the time I have with him.

Barbie Jr is still her spunky, sassy self.  Some days I dread the next 6 years but we'll manage.  She's a good girl, being a parent to an almost teenager is just scary.  But I am thankful for the fact that I have a healthy, thriving preteen. 

I have seen glimpses of karma coming around and to be honest, you think when you are down at your lowest that you will revel in the day you see karma come along, but I'm here to tell you, it's not all it's chalked up to be.  Maybe because I've been there, I know what it's like and even given everything I've been through, the one thing I've learned in life is compassion.  Oddly enough, I came across a Facebook post made a few days ago from 4 years ago when I thought my life was over.  When my heart had been ripped out of my chest and stomped into the mud.  And the one theme throughout was that karma would come along.  And now, now that I've moved on, found forgiveness, found happiness and become a completely different person, I can't enjoy it.  I will never forget what I went through for years and especially there at the end.  I have forgiven but those memories were lessons that helped me grow as a person and grow into who I am today.  I won't put up with crap from anyone, I still try to find the good in people, but I will never ever let anyone drag me down again.  I'm stronger, wiser but I still have compassion.  And because of who I am now, I can't enjoy this karma thing.  It makes me feel yucky and I don't think God would want me basking in the misery of others.

So that's the Fall, 2014 version of Life as a Barbie Girl.  I'm happy.  Genuinely happy.  And because it may another 4 months before I blog again I wish each and every one of you a wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas.