Off the ledge...

I'm off the ledge for now. I know I am surrounded by my awesome family and my awesome friends, but I am allowed to have down moments.  I'm not saying it's healthy, just saying it is allowed.

I survived Valentine's Day despite a few creepy events that happened.  I have made a few new friends in the past few weeks, and found I'm again, comfortable in who I am.  I've met people and not questioned why they were talking to me, for once I just went with it.  A friend even commented the other day on how much I had changed in the less than a year she has known me.  Meaning I was more outgoing, stood up for myself, basically me again.  But she doesn't know that me.  The me she met was still beat down and insecure.

If you've never been alone....

If you are someone who has never been alone, you probably can't understand where I'm coming from.  Take me for example, I went from my parents house, to getting married and living with my husband.  35 years of never really and truly being alone.  That's a long damn time.

So I find myself, almost 36 and suddenly on my own with the exception of Barbie, Jr. 2 cats and a dog.  So granted I'm not completely alone, but I really can't call my 9 year old when I'm mad at her dad, or just to vent, or to share happy news.  I have my family but I want someone of my own.  My own special person who I can call and they can call me when they are happy/sad/stressed/etc.  My very own Mr. Barbie.  And not someone who wants to fix everything or give me solutions.  Just someone who will share in my happy/sad/whatever with me.  Someone if I call and say can you believe what so and so did, and he would say that rat bastard. I want someone who can look at me and know I need a hug.  Someone to hold my hand just because.

If I hear one more person say "you are so lucky you are alone" I might scream.  Take you are so lucky from the  sentence and there you have it.  You are alone.  I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night.  I'm tired of feeling sad.  I'm tired of wondering why he found someone.  I'm tired of being the better person and turning the other cheek.  All it does is causes you to end up alone.

Carrie Bradshaw and I think alike

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

I can pretend all day that I'm fine, life is good (and it really is) and that I'm strong and don't need anyone.  Only part of that is true.  I'm very thankful for the family and friends in my life and I am strong.  But I'm not fine, I'm lonely, and I want to think I'm going to find love again someday.  But I don't feel hopeful about that.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Growing up, I believed in fairy tales.  I desperately want to think my prince charming is out there lurking, just waiting to sweep me off my feet.  Okay, maybe lurking is the wrong word given a few recent, creepy events. 

I am told all the time that I'm fine.  That it must be nice to have nobody.  But nobody realizes how lonely I really am.  Especially when Barbie, Jr. is gone.  Sure, sometimes the peace is nice, but most times, the silence is deafening.

Hearts, love and all that jazz

It's officially February.  The first day brings two wonderful events.  My sister and brother-in-law's wedding anniversary and my niece's birthday.  Then you move on to the mushy love stuff.

This year, it's all hitting me hard.  My sister and brother-in-law are celebrating 21 years, my niece is turning 18 and again, I'm single on Valentine's Day.  And I think, will I ever have a love that's lasted 21 years, or will I end up alone.

A little melodramatic, I know, but it's how I feel.  Granted, I have had some interest but for one reason or another, I end up getting scared away, which tells me two things: One, obviously I'm not ready for a relationship and two, the right person hasn't come along.  I want fireworks damnit!  I get claustrophobic.  Feel suffocated.  And start lacing the running shoes up when kids get mentioned whether it be mine or theirs.  Too much too soon. And of course I have a strict policy about Barbie, Jr. meeting anyone.  Not with the separation issues she's been having.

Being in a relationship sounds nice, but I like my time.  My time alone, my time with Barbie, Jr.  MY time.  And I'm just not ready to share that yet.  Maybe I'm weird, maybe I'm selfish, but it's my life and I'll live it my way.

Really?

I'm writing this with the knowledge that there still are A FEW good, decent, honest men out there.  Not ones who pretend they don't have a girlfriend and claim to miss you when they want to hook up.  I'm not a booty call, if you wanted me, you shoulda held on to me the first go round, just sayin'.

It's a realllllly small world boys.  I may just know your girlfriend even if she doesn't live around here anymore.

Poor, poor pitiful me

Barbie Jr. is breaking my heart.  I spent an hour this morning trying to calm her from crying when I took her to school.  Get an e-mail from her teacher at the end of the day that she wrote a story in writing about her mommy and daddy not being together and making her cry.  Cue the meltdown.

I've officially worn down.  Found my breaking point. I'm exhausted from worry and stress.  Anxious.  Nervous.  And just feeling blah in general.  

Of course it doesn't help matters that when I tried to talk to asshat about things he got all tough love.  Sadly, I wish I thought that was coming from him and not his girlfriend.  Then he wanted to question her meds.  Again, hello girlfriend.  This evening when Barbie Jr called me she broke down and wanted to come home.  I never feed into it.  I always encourage her to stay there insisting that her daddy misses her and she needs to spend time with him.   I tell her to go talk to him and tell him why she's upset.  Within two minutes I have a shouting phone call from him wanting to know what is going on and why is she crying.  

For once, just for once, for the sake of our only child, I just wish he would man up, grow a pair of balls and actually want to do what is right for her rather than doing what he always does, which is find someone to blame.    I wish for once he could do the right thing and make a decision on his own, or have an independent thought.

I feel like a failure as a parent.  I know I did everything possible to hold us together as a family and failed.  I should have gotten her into counseling earlier, but she seemed fine, so yet again I failed.  And now, he wants to accuse me of babying her or loving her too much.  How dare he.  Apparently, I'm the only love and comfort she finds right now and I wish he could see that.  It's hurting her, him, and their relationship.  But we all know, in typical asshat form, in the end, I'll get the blame.  I always do.  

Reflections

As most of you know, (hahaha, meaning my 2 or 3 "fans") last year was a pretty rough one.  I could go through each thing but that would probably cause me some anxiety and possibly some drinking.  Or crying.  Or screaming.  So we'll leave it at, it wasn't the best.

But the truth be told, I wouldn't go back and change any of it.  Not even that moment where I was headbutted and pretty sure for a split second that I was dead.

My year ended well.  Christmas Eve I was mopey and all feeling sorry for myself.  Barbie, Jr. was with her dad and I was home alone.  I won't lie, I spent the entire day in bed sulking. Christmas day Santa brought me my Christmas Spirit. Watching the joy in Barbie, Jr's face as she opened her gifts was priceless.

I spent lots of time with my girl over Christmas break.  She spent New Year's Eve with her dad and I spent mine with my parents and my nephew.  We laughed, and acted silly and fed the cat cheese.  And of course I had my crochet with me. :)

This year has already started out better.  It's going to be a good one, I just know it. I won't settle for anything less than freaking fabulous!