In early July, we went to the beach with my family, and my aunt and uncle. My uncle had been diagnosed with lung cancer in January and one of the things he wanted to do was go on one last vacation to the beach with his brother. And of course we made that happen. Day 1, while looking something up on the fella's phone some personal ads come up in the history. I open one and realize it's a woman. A local woman (local to home). I threw the phone at him and ran inside feeling like I might throw up. He followed me and I told him to get the fuck away from me. I didn't even want to breathe the same air as him at the moment.
The next day we talked. He of course tried to turn it around on me. I shut that down completely. We decided to sort of table everything until we got home. The last night, I made more discoveries on his computer and would continue to for a few weeks. Had anyone ever told me he'd do something like that to me, I would have never believed them in a million years.
Less than two weeks after returning from the beach, my uncle passed away. He was the uncle we traveled with every summer during my childhood. My dad's brother. He and my dad were really close so it was not only hard to say goodbye, but also to see how devastated my dad was that his baby brother was gone.
My grief continued not only for my uncle, but over my relationship as well. I went from sad, hysterical, and crying, to angry and shouting. And stuck financially. After many long talks, we agreed to go to counseling so I made an appointment for not only us, but for myself.
Fast forward 4 months. We've now been dealing with my dad having health issues. He's been in and out of the hospital for the past 6 weeks and has declined so much since his brother passed. He's had a toe removed, pneumonia, and a foot infection after the surgery. We finally seem to have him going in the right direction.
Counseling has been sporadic because of all this. I have kept up with my therapy though. In all of this I realized, almost every relationship I have had as an adult has ended up with my being cheated on. And so I can't help look in the mirror and wonder, what is it about me that makes this happen? And I desperately want to think it isn't me, but would it happen this many times if it wasn't?
I spent years in a relationship being told I was not good enough. That I was fat and nobody would want me. But then I get angry with myself for thinking it is me. But you hear things enough you start to believe.
I want things to be okay, but he wants to act like it never happened. I want to know why. I try to talk about it but my words fall on deaf ears. Not just for that, but anything. I feel lonely and sad a lot of times. I've given up for the time being on trying to open up and verbally work things through with him. But I'm keeping a list of issues for our next counseling session. It's gonna take more than his ass sitting in a room every other week to make us work.
If you read this. Gold star. Leave me a comment just to say hello. I mean it's possible not a soul will ever read this but if you do, I'd like to hear from you.