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Showing posts from May, 2013

Grizzly bears, families, exercise and other ramblings.

It's been a pretty good weekend.  For one, I got my haircut which ALWAYS makes the world a better place AND I got bangs.  I got to spend it with Barbie Jr., my mom and my nephew.  We got my yard mowed so now my neighbors no longer hate me.  And I hopped on the scales at my parents house and I had lost 4 pounds. And we went to the zoo.

The whole Zoo experience was weird.  The travel part brought up so many memories from relationships past.  Memories from when I was dating Ken as well as memories of relationships since my divorce. It was bittersweet.  Of course I always love the zoo. The part that made me sad was encountering the families.  The moms and dads and their kids.  It made me sad because Barbie, Jr. never got to experience that.  I wonder if she has any memories of things we did as a family because I know I don't.  Usually when we went somewhere like that it was the two of us. And it makes me sad.  It makes me feel like a failure as a parent. Like her dad and I have ro…

Baby Steps

So here we go.  In my depression/anxiety/etc. over the past few weeks I have done a LOT of thinking.  Scary I know.  And since injuring my ankle, one thing has happened.  I've gained weight.

If anyone still reads my blog that was around for the early Barbie Girl days, you may recall that my weight has been something I've struggled with for years.  And since hurting my foot a month ago, I've gained even more.  Not to mention, along with depression I eat.  And I eat like crap.  Not to mention the fact that I ALWAYS seem to eat like crap.  All a bad combination.

In the past 6 months I've lost 2 friends to colon cancer.  Last summer, an old friend of mine dropped dead at the age of 37 (my age) of a heart attack. Yesterday, a dear friend was admitted to the hospital due to having a stroke.  She's 29. All unrelated things but all frightening. And maybe none avoidable, but the point being, it's been a real eye opener.

Bear with me, there is a point to this whole post.

Delia Bedelia

I spend so much time focusing on everything wrong and whining and complaining. So I'm gonna shake things up a bit and focus on good things.  First and foremost, as of today, Barbie, Jr. will be back with me full time until next school year rolls around.  Words cannot express my excitement.  And it somewhat comes as a surprise because I believed when we went to court last August the alternating weeks was forever.  Turns out, just for the school year.  I'll take it.

So now, my Delia pup.  Delia is my latest foster dog.  Very rarely do we know backstories on the dogs, so all I know is she'd been at the shelter for a long time. She was fully sponsored which meant someone had already donated the amount it would cost to adopt her. I went back through old shelter photos and it looks like she may have been there since around November, maybe even before that.  That's all I knew about her when I agreed to take her, although I had seen a picture of her.

I wasn't quite prepare…

Does anyone else see that elephant in the room?

So yeah, there's an elephant in the room. In my world it's a pink elephant.  And everyone seems to be shouting over it not acknowledging it.  But there will come a time you can't ignore it any longer.

Today's elephant? My current relationship or lack thereof.  In recent months I have been in a so-called relationship. One that went from multiple texts and a phone call each day to an occasional text every few days.  It's been over a week since we spoke on the phone and since we've seen one another. And since it doesn't seem he's open to meeting Barbie, Jr. it will be even longer since the potential to see one another will happen.

So there comes a point when someone needs to step up and call the other person out.  And like always it's gonna be me.  I'm sorry, but I'm not okay with this "relationship". I'm not okay with getting to spend a couple hours here and there with someone and calling it a relationship.  I call that bullshit.…

Out of the rabbit hole

Slowly but surely, I'm crawling out of my funk.  Things are starting to look up. And once I get my haircut next weekend, I'll be ready to take on the world. Okay, maybe not, but I will feel better.

And I lied.  I've been thinking about my blog post where I said I wasn't passionate about anything.  And that isn't true.  Aside from being passionate about being a good mother, I'm passionate about animals.  I'm big into volunteering and working with rescue organizations to try and save as many dogs as I possibly can.  Barbie Jr. and I often foster dogs for weeks at a time, giving them love, roof over their heads and tlc until they can move on to their new home. We are currently on our 5th or 6th foster. Each dog has had its own personality.  Our foster right now, Delia, has spent most of her life in the cage at the shelter.  She craves and gets tons of attention.  It's not much, but it's something.  I love animals and they usually love me.  I think I mi…

No more Mister Nice Girl

Clearly I realize the title of this blog is incorrect but it made me laugh.  So I've been reading this book that Big Sister Barbie bought for me over the weekend.  It's about how to break out of the "nice girl syndrome".  She didn't pick it out for me, I picked it out and she said, "You need this.  I'm buying it for you." And wow, it really hits home. I can relate to so much in that book.

For instance, I'm finding I become too nice when it comes to relationships.  And the result is Barbie Girl = doormat. I don't think it's too much to ask for a little attention.  I don't think it's too much to ask for the occasional night out on the town.  I don't think it is too much to ask to just hold me for a little while rather than spend a token 2 hours with me and then rush off.  It's my choices most likely.  And my not standing up for what I deserve.

So for future reference, here's what I want out of a relationship:

respectmy …

There's no crying at work.

My attitude has not improved since two nights ago. It maybe improved briefly but has returned to the sadness. I've spent the day at work fighting the urge to sit at my desk and sob or throw things and scream.  In the grand scheme of things, I KNOW I have so much to be thankful for. I remind myself of this multiple times a day. But I also know how real my depression is. And no matter how much therapy, what medication I take or what I do, it will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.

I envy happy people. I have become the greatest actress at faking happiness. I realize I don't need *someone* to be happy.  I like my alone time, I like not having someone in my space at all times, but as I said in my last blog, I miss companionship.  I miss the friendship.  I miss having someone to call mine.  I miss inside jokes. I miss secrets. I miss having someone to love.