I should be packing since my brother-in-law is coming to help me move my living room furniture tomorrow. But instead, I am here, with a cat laying on me, typing away.
I am so overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed with my move. Overwhelmed with trying to keep details straight. Overwhelmed with my life period.
Apparently I suck at dating. Something about me evidently makes men run for the hills. With the exception of married men which I seem to attract or men who want to have conversations with my boobs. Yes, I live with them every day, it's no secret they are there, but I do have a face. I've taken to the method of doing the Bobby Goren tilt, leaning over and saying MY FACE IS UP HERE. And really, I don't want anything serious right now, but being alone all the time really sucks. I spent years with asshat feeling alone. I don't necessarily want someone to be with me all the time, but having someone to talk to when I feel alone sure would be nice. And I don't have that. And I know it hasn't been all that long but that doesn't keep me from being lonely.
I am finding myself attracted to the ones who would never have me. The ones who solely want some skinny, prissy girl. I can priss as much as the next girl but the fact of the matter is, I am not skinny. Nor do I really want to be. But I have found myself becoming more and more self conscious about myself and my body. To the point it is painful to look in the mirror sometimes. I know I'm a good person, but nobody can seem to look past the fact that I'm not a size 3 to even find out.
I don't miss asshat much at all. Sure there are times when something will happen, or I see something that I still want to pick up the phone and call him. And I wouldn't want to be back in the situation I was in. Being truly alone is somehow easier than feeling lonely when you are with someone. And I know, or at least I hope, I will have that person again someday. The person you call first when something goes right or wrong. So for now, I think I'll suck it up, go talk to my cats and pack.