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Shhhh brain, I'm trying to sleep

It seems as though we are on the upswing of the Barbie, Jr. illness which developed into pneumonia.  Fingers crossed she continues to get better rather than get worse.  Today has been her first good day in nearly a week. She is still pale but has a little more color in her face than she did a few days ago.

Needless to say, I've been exhausted.  To the point of being weepy even.  At night when I would try and rest my brain wouldn't shut down.  Of course by the time I hit the point I thought just maybe sleep was an option, her fever would spike, she would cough and wheeze and I'd end up staying awake to watch over her.  Not a complaint by any means, I wouldn't have it any other way.  

I will say, I do give big kudos to Ex-Ken.  He's been a real trooper through it all especially since she missed her weekend with him and her overnight tonight.  He's been very understanding and patient and I'm sure he does miss her, I know she misses him.  But he understands and appreciates that she mostly wants her mommy when she's sick.  

I couldn't figure out why my brain would whirl.  I would lay in bed consumed with thoughts of the past year.  What was happening this time last year.  How I spent the holidays last year so sad.  Conversations that were had.  Tears that were cried.  And I just couldn't make it STOP.  It was confusing.  At first I blamed the steroids I'm on.  But it finally hit me, this is the first time Barbie, Jr. has been this sick that I essentially had to do it alone.      And again, I'm not complaining, just reflecting.  Pre-divorce, in the old house, when she would get sick, I was able to rely on ex-Ken.  We lived right on his route for his job, so in the middle of the night if I needed something, he could drop it off.  I was close to everything so getting someone to drop something off to me wasn't a problem. While he often took her being sick as time to do whatever the hell he pleased once he got off work, I will say, I realize now he did help out some.  So this was the first time I had to completely do it alone.  

I was glad I came to that conclusion, as it was so confusing to me.  I love my new life so I wasn't sure if I was longing for my old.  Thankfully I wasn't.  I was simply reminded again of how strong I've grown over the past year.

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