Skip to main content

Big. Fat. Phooey.

I'm in one of those moods where I feel like the world is against me.  One where I feel panicked, like my breath is being taken from me.  It's been a really long time since I felt this way, in fact, I was probably married the last time I felt like that.  I just feel like I want to sit and cry.

Typically we try and find things to be thankful for in November.  I could name a million things I'm thankful for, and at the end of the day, even the things that are stressing me out right now are pretty minor.  I just feel like it's been one blow after another this month.  Pneumonia, asthma, flooding, vet bills, sick cats, broken dryers, broken wallet and now, my car is effed up.  All while trying to Christmas shop.  They'll let me buy things on my looks alone, right? Not that I'd get very far in that department with this rudolph nose, pale face and bags under my eyes from lack of sleep due to stress.

And now, the "girlfriend" has requested to talk to me.  I have no clue why, but it better be something stupid and not something (like my child) that is none of her business.

Not to mention, I'm really worried about Barbie Jr.  She seems quiet these days and gives me little to no insight on what's going on in her mind.  On top of it all, I've convinced myself I caused Dolly's back injury when I gave her a bath at the beginning of the month.  It was after that when she started to have problems.  It makes me physically ill to think I may have been the cause of it.

I feel like I want to just crawl in a hole and stay there.  Or hibernate for the winter.  A bubble bath would be great but I don't have any fucking clean towels because my dryer is broke and I haven't made it to the laundromat because oh, it costs a lot of quarters, which I haven't had.

Big. Fat. Phooey!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Look What the Cat Dragged In

 It's been a hot minute huh?  1,312 days to be exact.  Yes, I gave it a goog. I've been back several times but words escaped me.  Nothing would come out.  I was in a bad place for a long time.  But after a whole lot of patience, many prayers, and the support of my family and friends, I made it.  And it's worked out well for all of us.  We moved early this year into a cute little house.  Just me and my kids. My little guy, we will call him Felix, he's happier and has been a champ with the change.  He gets the best of both worlds.  Barbie Jr, she's been a Godsend.  I don't know what I would have done without her. There have been differences in ending a relationship vs. divorce (obviously).  Ins and outs.  But this time around, I can actually say Felix's father and I are doing pretty well at this co-parenting thing.  Which is an odd situation for me given what I went through with Ken.  But even that part is going well. Barbie Jr. graduated from high school in M

Kindness goes a long way

My last post was about how I refused to be irrelevant. I posted it the day before my 42nd birthday.  It was and is a phrase that has stuck with me.  I haven't blogged since, although I have been planning to. So months later, here On my birthday I received an anonymous gift of a beautiful Edible Arrangement with the attached card: I want whoever you are to know, I carry this with me in my wallet every single day.  I have a few special things that I keep with me always, a drawing Savannah did, a poem she wrote me to tell me everything would be fine when her dad and I were in an ugly custody battle, and now this.  Whoever you are, your kind gesture holds a spot among the most treasured things I carry with me day in and day out.  I take it out when I am having an especially down day to remind myself that I do matter.  That I am relevant. Yesterday was one of those days.  I was feeling down, unloved, unappreciated, so I took the note out and read it. And through my tears of frustr

I refuse to be irrelevant.

After insisting to my friends at work that I had *tried* to watch "Grace and Frankie" I discovered that I lied.  I had watched maybe 15 minutes of the show.  So I gave it a second chance.  I'm about halfway through the first season and something the character Grace said hit me like a ton of bricks.  "I refuse to be irrelevant." I. Refuse. To. Be. Irrelevant. To me it is a powerful statement.  And one I need to relate to more.  Because I can so related to feeling irrelevant these days.  I feel like I don't matter.  I mean of course, there are people I matter to, and others who make me feel irrelevant.  Who make me feel like my presence doesn't matter.  And I blame myself. Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't even care.  I've always been all woohoo, my birthday is coming up.  This year? I could care less.  It's a Tuesday.  I have zero expectations.  I'm sure people on Facebook will wish me happy birthday, but otherwise, it just feels l