Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from 2012

Call me crazy!

In my world, when you make plans with people and for whatever reason, need to cancel you communicate this.  Not completely ignore the person.I deserve so much better for myself than I'm allowing.  So much.  Its hurtful to be alone. I've dated different types of guys so they aren't all the same.  But somehow the end result is. I sit around wasting my time being another person's afterthought.

Okay?

I'm really not "back".  Just regrouping.  Bettering myself yet again.  It's the end of the year and I'm ending it the way I started, but maybe just a little better. If you don't make some changes, you end up with the same result right?

Things with Barbie, Jr. and Ken are better.  I'm in a more affordable place.  Time to re-focus on me again.  Remind myself who I am and what I want. I want a fabulous 2013. Don't get me wrong, it's been a pretty good year but I deserve a super-fantastic year dontcha think?

A public service announcement....

Just because I am pretty doesn't mean I am stupid.  Just because I smile doesn't mean my heart isn't broken. Just because I wear my heart on my sleeve doesn't mean I'm desperate!

It seems to be that I am taken as some stupid, pretty face who will believe lies and fall for any man who will have me.

It just so happens that for the first time in many, many years, I love who I am.  No, I don't love that I struggle financially because I was stupid. I don't love that I'm pretty sure my car is on the verge of blowing up but I can't afford to have it looked at.  I don't love that I am disorganized. I don't love that my attention span is basically nonexistent.  But I do love ME!

I can honestly say, I look at old photographs and can usually read the pain in my face. It's taken me 2 years to find me again.  I say this over and over and over on here, I know.  But it's true.  I'm no longer skinny, I've aged, I have a few wrinkles, but I a…

Just...

For once I want to be good enough.  I want to be loved.  I want someone to want to love me.  Someone to hold me.  Someone to tell me it will all be okay.  But it will never happen.  Someone will always be better than me.

So yeah.

I'm home alone, yet AGAIN.  Nothing to do.  And yes, yes I did just cry because I realized someone defriended me on Facebook.  And it's not even anyone I give a shit about, but it still made me cry.  And I'm even MORE mad at the fact that I was asked by THREE different people to go to the Daughtry concert tonight and I turned down all invites, just sure that my evening would be filled with something more exciting than staring at these fucking pink walls and getting all butthurt over Facebook.


No more tears?

I recall Thanksgiving 2010. I had just split from Ken and felt devastated, yet was trying to be strong and be okay for the sake of pleasing my family. The day before Thanksgiving I wrote Ken a letter, pouring my heart out to him, about all the things I knew I had done wrong in our marriage and how much I wanted us to work things out. I recall him picking up Barbie, Jr., me giving him the several page letter and my anxiously awaiting a response.  He texted me and told me we could never work things out and to leave him alone.  I don't think I have ever been so devastated in my whole life.  I cried for hours upon hours that day and into Thanksgiving day.  I finally fell asleep, woke up Thanksgiving Day and decided by GOD I was going to look amazing when he met me to exchange Barbie Jr and I did just that.  I could see in his face that he thought so and he even complimented me.  I managed to hold it together that day, the highlight being my niece hugging me and telling me how proud…

Sexy and I know it?

The fact that my life is a constant drama has become the topic of amusement in my family and rightfully so. But if I have learned anything over the past 2 years, it's been to roll with the punches, dust myself off and move forward stronger and learning from whatever lesson life might hold at the moment. The latest is the saga of Barbie's Not So Dreamy House. Barbie will be relocating her dream house over the next couple of weeks to a new location. It's a good thing although the circumstances leading up to the relocation not amusing. It will all around work out for the best. I'm back in the dreaded dating field yet again. I still have that insecure voice inside of me who is convinced that my date will take one look at me and run the other way. Although the logical side of me says if he did, that would be his loss. But the insecure side of me would crumble and die if that ever happened. But I've developed the ability to mask my insecurity well. I was refer…

Another chapter comes to an end.

Ken 2.0 and I broke up today. It's sad but at the same time necessary. This is a statement which goes out to all potential future mates. First and foremost, I am a mother. My child comes first in my life. I do not randomly leave my child places willy nilly so I can go have fun, especially when I only get her every other week now. When you have a child, things happen that are beyond your control. And if you can't understand this then I suggest you move along. My first responsibility is to do the best I can in raising my daughter.

Some days..

Some days I know everything will be okay, some days I have to convince myself of this. Today is one of the days I know everything will be okay but at the same time, I'm just disillusioned with life. I have this blasè attitude about it all. Probably the wrong way to feel, but it beats investing tons of emotion in something. I guess you could say my give a damn's busted. It's so bad that I'm actually looking forward to be out of town the next few days for work because it means I won't spend my evenings lonely. And I'll get to interact with other adult people and have fun. And I don't even care that I'll be there for my birthday. But I will be sad to miss my Wednesday with my girl!

Hmmmmm

It's funny. If you had told me this time last week that things would calm down for me this week, I wouldn't have believed you. It's hard to believe how much things can change in less than a week. Not huge, life-changing events, but things small enough that they make you do realize that everything happens for a reason. For one, I'm moving to a smaller, more affordable house. Same landlord, keep my pets, etc. It's nice when you realize how much people really are looking out for you. It's so touching. I really am blessed and thankful for the people in my life. Second, I broke down and sold my old Boopmobile. It was a bittersweet moment. But part of me feels like it is just another step in letting go of my past. That car holds a lot of memories, happy and sad. It was time to let it go. So the next two weeks shall be busy. The thought of getting packed in move in the next 14 days overwhelms me, but I'll get it done.

Good Ship Barbie Girl

It goes without saying, given the tone of my blog that I've been struggling. Big time. Mentally and physically. With every aspect of life. My personal life, my finances, my work, my friendships, you name it. And this is where I come to whine. Today was started off with health issues. Ended up at urgent care, getting a shot in the butt by a handsome twentysomething guy (Um, I almost died of embarrassment) and a prescription for steroids and antibiotics. My cold/sinus madness turned into a sinus infection and bronchitis which made my asthma haywire. The butt shot and steroids I started this evening have kicked in. I can breathe better and am now wound the heck up. I've been on a cleaning spree and have to remind myself to not overdo it. Consider this my break. Amidst all the other crap I'm dealing with, my car now decides to change it's relationship status with me from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated". The check engine light is …

I refuse to sink...

I actually got the line "I refuse to sink" off a picture of a tattoo on Facebook. But it's fitting for the way I feel right now. I feel like I'm sinking, sinking, sinking. Financially, mentally, physically, emotionally, any way possible. The financial issues are probably the stem of all the other issues. I don't know how many people have told me, just don't worry, God will provide. I'm a Christian, but I suspect when the day comes that they come to shut off my electric or cable or water that they are going to want cold hard cash, not a sermon. And forgive me, I don't mean to mock God but I'm just cynical right now. The weeks I have Barbie, Jr. are pretty good, aside from last week when we were sick. But she keeps me busy, she keeps me sane. The weeks like this, when she's gone I'm lost, lonesome, sad. I'm tired of being a doormat. Someone's last thought. Their option. Tired of not standing up for myself whether it be…

Don't blink...

I heard the song "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney on the radio last night and it suddenly hit me how true of a song it was.  Tomorrow my baby girl will turn ten.  This day ten years ago I was put in the hospital with high blood pressure and told, you'll meet your daughter tomorrow.  I was scared to become a mother and her dad was scared to become a father. 

I recall telling him we had to be at the hospital at 5 that day and him saying, "it isn't time".  I remember eating and eating knowing that once I got to the hospital I'd be on ice chips. I remember scurrying to pack a bag which I hadn't already done.  I had a list of what I wanted to take but it wasn't gathered at that point.  I remember being so scared when we walked into that hospital.

It was a long night.  The fetal monitor kept moving, setting off an alarm and here would come that poor nurse to fix it.  Neither of us got much sleep that night.  The next morning they induced me around 7…

One Hot Mess!

The anxiety is still present but not as bad. Unless you consider sobbing by the time I got to work this morning bad? The worst part was the random dude sitting out back, greeting me good morning and me trying to return the greeting through my sobs. Which made me feel worse because more than likely he's from the homeless shelter and here I was, getting out of my vehicle, going to my job that pays me money and at the end of the day I would be going to my house. Oh did I mention I'm also on steriods for my asthma too. Things have worked out with Barbie, Jr. and the visitation issues we had. I just pray she adjusts well to the schedule. No matter what he's done to me, or the issues between us, he is still her dad and he deserves to see her. Things, communication and such are going well between he and I too. I have also made the decision to go back to Marshall University in January and pursue a degree in Social Work. I'm excited, scared, nervous but mostly proud…

Panic-anic attack... it's worse. Penelope SNL

I thought a week long vacation would be enough to ease some of my anxiety but it's worse. Don't get me wrong. It's one of the best family vacations I have been on in many years. Little drama, lots of fun. The worst part was being able to see how much my dad's health has declined over the past couple of years. He used to be right out there with us jumping waves and now he does good to stand in shin deep water without being off balance. But aside from that, it was great. There was constant worry, would my dad fall walking to the beach, what if the kids got out in the water and got knocked down and couldn't get up, I miss my boyfriend, what if he decides he hates me this week while I'm gone, why do I have to be so broke financially? I could go on and on and on for hours but I'll stop there. Other than the finances, it was all ridiculous. This was all the reason I went on meds to begin with 12 years ago. The racing mind, the irrational worry, the pan…

"Love This Pain" Lady Antebellum

So I've been looking through pictures I had saved online in various albums and came across this photo.  And for a moment, I was stunned. Now don't panic!  This isn't a recent photo.  As a matter of fact, it was taken 495 days ago.  1 year, 4 months and 7 days.
Some people would see this and think, eh, it's not so bad.  And no, compared to some of the domestic violence victims I've encountered, you're right, it's not so bad. But, it was bad enough to cause my jaw to swell.  It was bad enough to give me a concussion. But it was the moment that changed my life for the best. So yeah, it's probably weird that I've titled this post "Love This Pain" but it's the pain that made me who I am today.
I've blogged about the abuse, but very few people have ever seen this picture.  I've debated about whether or not to even post this.  But it was a turning point for me.  The point I regained the courage to finally take that step to get mysel…

Perfect song :)

Trying to live and love,
With a heart that can't be broken,
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
Yeah, we both carry baggage,
We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,
And I will do the same.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.

I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.

We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,
We might burn like gasoline …

If you're a bird, I'm a bird

I was talking the other day about how turning 35 was difficult for me.  But at the same time it was exciting.  I knew without any doubt, 35 would bring about big change for me, and it did.  Two weeks after my birthday is when he and I separated.  And my life began to change, for the better.  And yes, I've hit a few bumps along the way, the biggest being the past few months with what I've faced with Barbie, Jr.  And it doesn't seem to be over yet.  But for the first time ever for me, everything seems to be falling into place for me.  
For the first time in a long time I am happier than I have been in years.  There have been times in the past year I thought I was happy, and I was, but not like this. He makes my heart skip a beat, takes my breath away and puts a big smile on my face. He's the one I've been told all along doesn't exist.  All men are the same they would tell me, guys like that don't exist.  Well, he's living proof that there are nice, genuin…

Yep! :)

Knight in shining armor

So I'm pretty happy with life.  I know I keep saying this but I am finally at this point where I've accepted who I am.  When I first separated from my ex, I could never understand what anyone would want me for.  I felt hideous and was convinced with each date I went on, that the guy would take one look at me and run for the hills.  This isn't to say I don't still get nervous when I go out, but I now have the confidence I once lacked.  And I figure, if he wants to take one look at me and run, then he's not the one for me.

A friend recently told me that I had changed so much over the past year.  I wasn't sure how to take it at first but he went on to say that I have gone from this insecure, beat down girl to a happy, confident girl who loves life.  It was probably one of the best compliments I have ever received.

Sure, I absolutely hate the way I look in a swimsuit but you know what, it's not often I wear one.  And again, if someone wants to judge me by how I…

You're hard to read!!

I'll be the first to admit, I'm one tough cookie. I've learned that in the past year.  I can ramble about nonsene, post ridiculous status updates on Facebook, joke and laugh, but when placed in a one on one siuation, I turn to stone. But here's a secret, it may be frustrating for you, but it's damn frustrating for me too! I don't want to seem cold hearted and stoic. I want to be able to share my feelings.  And maybe someday I will be able to.

I spent years having my feelings used against me.  Being told my feelings didn't matter.  Many, many, years.  It's not something you can just turn on and turn off, I think it has to be relearned.  I'm afraid of my feelings, I am afraid of hurting others, I am afraid that if I speak my mind then I will lose.  Silly I know, but it's left over insecurities.

So yeah, maybe I am hard to read.  Maybe I am afraid to share my feelings.  Maybe I do keep everyone at arm's length, but I have my reasons and people…

Bliss

This is how I'm spending my Saturday night.  My baby girl is with her dad for the weekend, I refuse to go out out and drink, so it's me, my 4 pets, a t-bone steak on my brand new grill and a 6 pack of Corona!

365 and some odd days

It's officially been a year since my divorce.  A year since I started moving into my new house.  A year since I began my venture to find happiness.  Although a year ago, I probably thought finding happiness meant finding SOMEONE, but I now realize it doesn't.  Happiness is waking up every day, thankful I am no longer miserable.  Being able to look at myself and like what I see, despite nothing really changing about me except for the length of my hair.  Looking forward to spending time with Barbie Jr.  My new grill.  My new cat.  The little things in life.

My love life has tanked.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm still happy nonetheless.  I'm not saying that I don't want to put forth any effort in a relationship, but I now realize it's okay to speak my mind.  It's okay to say, I don't want x, y, z in a person.  And it's okay to refuse to be a part of drama.  It might hurt, but it will be okay.

So I shall spend the summer enjoying life, hanging out w…

Take me home, country roads

I have never been so glad to be home in my life.  I arrived at the airport in Philadelphia just after 4 am.  I flew to Charlotte (yes, I still don't understand this) just to find out less than an hour before my flight home was supposed to board that it had been cancelled.  The last flight to Huntington was booked and was very late in the day. I could have been a "standby" passenger but wasn't guaranteed a seat and wouldn't be able to see Barbie, Jr.  So I ended up getting a flight into Charleston, WV and renting a car home.

THAT flight was delayed twice due to visibility in Charleston.  Then we get on the plane and the Captain apologizes for the delay stating not only was visibility bad, but the airport had just recently made renovations and some light that would assist in landing still was not working.  Oh and did he mention there were issues with the right engine and it had to be manually started?  That's when the prayers started!

I managed to nap, since I …

PSA

I had limited my blog due to some issues that had been brought to my attention but I decided screw it, it's my blog, my thoughts, and nobody will take that away!

PSA: I'm happy. You can try and use my child to make your instant family but you won't win, and I'll still be happy.  You can have asshat.  There is something about seeing a man come at you with a crazy look about him to headbutt you through the window of your car that basically cancels out any love you ever felt for him.  I don't  want him, I don't care how much he's changed, he's your prize.  I have my own prize.  He thinks I'm beautiful and hot and everything asshat told me I wasn't. So I win.  Hands down.  Despite all you have done to me, I now sleep with a smile on my face.

A little bit stronger.....

If you had told me a year ago who I would be today I doubt I would have believed you.  I was so beaten down, defeated and insecure that I could never imagine I'd ever be truly happy again.  I never imagined I would get on with my life.  I never imagined I would find so much strength within myself.  
I've never told anyone, but for a while, I blamed myself over what happened. I replayed everything in my mind and made excuses for why he must have hit me.  If I hadn't done x, y and z it never would have happened.  Then I woke up one day, in my new house and my new life and realized, it wasn't my fault.  Sure, I made mistakes in my marriage but I could not take blame for the fact that he hit me. That he knocked me upside the jaw with a full 20 oz bottle of Mountain Dew. That he bounced my head off the steering wheel of my car.  That he choked me.  And that he looked at me like he wanted me dead and headbutted me. That was not my fault.  And it was clear to me at that momen…

Your hair matches what you are?

"Your hair matches what you are."  A direct quote and I'm still not sure what it means.  It's been almost a year since the "incident".  It sounds so cliche to say, I never thought it would happen to me, but, I never thought it would happen to me.  Never in a million years did I think I would become a victim of domestic violence.  Although, looking back, I guess I had been a victim in one form or another for a long time.  But I never thought it would escalate to the point of physical abuse.  I was so wrong, but I can honestly say, I'm  thankful it happened.

I'm not thankful for the fear I felt, but I'm thankful that I had that moment that made me open my eyes, see his true colors and know that I had no choice but to get out.  I live life believing everything happens for a reason, and I know without a doubt what that reason was.

A year later I've reinvented my life.  I'm in a new home where I feel safe.  I'm happier.  I'm a better …

Off the ledge...

I'm off the ledge for now. I know I am surrounded by my awesome family and my awesome friends, but I am allowed to have down moments.  I'm not saying it's healthy, just saying it is allowed.

I survived Valentine's Day despite a few creepy events that happened.  I have made a few new friends in the past few weeks, and found I'm again, comfortable in who I am.  I've met people and not questioned why they were talking to me, for once I just went with it.  A friend even commented the other day on how much I had changed in the less than a year she has known me.  Meaning I was more outgoing, stood up for myself, basically me again.  But she doesn't know that me.  The me she met was still beat down and insecure.


If you've never been alone....

If you are someone who has never been alone, you probably can't understand where I'm coming from.  Take me for example, I went from my parents house, to getting married and living with my husband.  35 years of never really and truly being alone.  That's a long damn time.

So I find myself, almost 36 and suddenly on my own with the exception of Barbie, Jr. 2 cats and a dog.  So granted I'm not completely alone, but I really can't call my 9 year old when I'm mad at her dad, or just to vent, or to share happy news.  I have my family but I want someone of my own.  My own special person who I can call and they can call me when they are happy/sad/stressed/etc.  My very own Mr. Barbie.  And not someone who wants to fix everything or give me solutions.  Just someone who will share in my happy/sad/whatever with me.  Someone if I call and say can you believe what so and so did, and he would say that rat bastard. I want someone who can look at me and know I need a hug.  So…

Carrie Bradshaw and I think alike

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."
I can pretend all day that I'm fine, life is good (and it really is) and that I'm strong and don't need anyone.  Only part of that is true.  I'm very thankful for the family and friends in my life and I am strong.  But I'm not fine, I'm lonely, and I want to think I'm going to find love again someday.  But I don't feel hopeful about that.
I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Growing up, I believed in fairy tales.  I desperately want to think my prince charming is out there lurking, just waiting to sweep me off my feet.  Okay, maybe lurking is the wrong word given a few recent, creepy events. 
I am told all the time that I'm fine.  That it must be nice to have nobody.  But nobody realizes how lonely I really am.  Especially when Barbie, Jr. is gone.  Sure, sometimes the peace is nice, but most times, the silence is…

Hearts, love and all that jazz

It's officially February.  The first day brings two wonderful events.  My sister and brother-in-law's wedding anniversary and my niece's birthday.  Then you move on to the mushy love stuff.

This year, it's all hitting me hard.  My sister and brother-in-law are celebrating 21 years, my niece is turning 18 and again, I'm single on Valentine's Day.  And I think, will I ever have a love that's lasted 21 years, or will I end up alone.

A little melodramatic, I know, but it's how I feel.  Granted, I have had some interest but for one reason or another, I end up getting scared away, which tells me two things: One, obviously I'm not ready for a relationship and two, the right person hasn't come along.  I want fireworks damnit!  I get claustrophobic.  Feel suffocated.  And start lacing the running shoes up when kids get mentioned whether it be mine or theirs.  Too much too soon. And of course I have a strict policy about Barbie, Jr. meeting anyone.  Not w…

Really?

I'm writing this with the knowledge that there still are A FEW good, decent, honest men out there.  Not ones who pretend they don't have a girlfriend and claim to miss you when they want to hook up.  I'm not a booty call, if you wanted me, you shoulda held on to me the first go round, just sayin'.
It's a realllllly small world boys.  I may just know your girlfriend even if she doesn't live around here anymore.

Poor, poor pitiful me

Barbie Jr. is breaking my heart.  I spent an hour this morning trying to calm her from crying when I took her to school.  Get an e-mail from her teacher at the end of the day that she wrote a story in writing about her mommy and daddy not being together and making her cry.  Cue the meltdown.
I've officially worn down.  Found my breaking point. I'm exhausted from worry and stress.  Anxious.  Nervous.  And just feeling blah in general.  
Of course it doesn't help matters that when I tried to talk to asshat about things he got all tough love.  Sadly, I wish I thought that was coming from him and not his girlfriend.  Then he wanted to question her meds.  Again, hello girlfriend.  This evening when Barbie Jr called me she broke down and wanted to come home.  I never feed into it.  I always encourage her to stay there insisting that her daddy misses her and she needs to spend time with him.   I tell her to go talk to him and tell him why she's upset.  Within two minutes I ha…