One of those nights..

I'm exhausted. I've had a headache for 4 days that won't seem to go away despite tons of Excedrin, Motrin and Aleve. No, not truly tons, not all at the same time. Thinking maybe I have been dehydrated, I've been drinking plenty of water. Nothing. This damn headache won't leave.

The worst part being, my baby girl is now sick. Going on day three. Fever, cough, aches, etc. A virus they say. But you feel so helpless when you can't really do anything to make the misery go away. Of course plenty of TLC helps, but that only goes so far.

It's one of the few times I wish someone else were here with me. As a mother, naturally I get worried when my child is sick. It would be nice to have someone here who could hug me and tell me it will all be okay. Someone who would hold me and let me cry out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. Tonight is one of those nights I miss that part of a relationship. It's that missing link I hope to find again someday. If not, that's okay too, I know I'm strong, I'm just feeling rather weak right now.

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Kindness goes a long way

My last post was about how I refused to be irrelevant. I posted it the day before my 42nd birthday. It was and is a phrase that has stuck with me. I haven't blogged since, although I have been planning to. So months later, here

On my birthday I received an anonymous gift of a beautiful Edible Arrangement with the attached card:

I want whoever you are to know, I carry this with me in my wallet every single day. I have a few special things that I keep with me always, a drawing Savannah did, a poem she wrote me to tell me everything would be fine when her dad and I were in an ugly custody battle, and now this. Whoever you are, your kind gesture holds a spot among the most treasured things I carry with me day in and day out. I take it out when I am having an especially down day to remind myself that I do matter. That I am relevant. Yesterday was one of those days. I was feeling down, unloved, unappreciated, so I took the note out and read it. And through my tears of frustration…

Who says you can't go home?

It was between the lyrics "I went as far as I could, I tried to find a new face. There isn't one of these lines that I would erase. I lived a million miles of memories on that road." and "Guess who's back? Back again?" for the title to this post, but "Who says you can't go home?" seemed perfect as I feel like I'm home again.

It's silly, I know. I don't know if anyone even reads blogs anymore. I don't know if anyone reads mine. It doesn't really matter. My therapist suggested I write again whether it be in my journal or blogging. But my immediate thought was this blog. This is where I poured my heart out for years and it feels like my home. The last post I made here was about how wonderful my life was. How much better it was. That was a little over a year ago. And let me tell you. It's been a hell of a year. My kiddos are wonderful. Barbie Jr. while still sassy at times, is becoming such a beautiful (of course…

I refuse to be irrelevant.

After insisting to my friends at work that I had *tried* to watch "Grace and Frankie" I discovered that I lied. I had watched maybe 15 minutes of the show. So I gave it a second chance. I'm about halfway through the first season and something the character Grace said hit me like a ton of bricks. "I refuse to be irrelevant."

I. Refuse. To. Be. Irrelevant.

To me it is a powerful statement. And one I need to relate to more. Because I can so related to feeling irrelevant these days. I feel like I don't matter. I mean of course, there are people I matter to, and others who make me feel irrelevant. Who make me feel like my presence doesn't matter. And I blame myself.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't even care. I've always been all woohoo, my birthday is coming up. This year? I could care less. It's a Tuesday. I have zero expectations. I'm sure people on Facebook will wish me happy birthday, but otherwise, it just feels like a…

Step Away From The Barbies

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