Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from 2013

The truth shall set you free

A friend of mine who still apparently reads my blog commented that he'd figured out, a quiet Barbie girl = a happy Barbie girl. And it's the truth.
I've found a happiness, contentment and peace with my life that I had forgotten was possible. Or didn't know was possible.  Quite frankly, I don't think I have ever been so at peace with life ever.  And it's not about having someone, though I know he plays a part in this, it's about for the first time maybe ever, me truly loving who I am.  Accepting life and ready to face anything thrown my way.  Not allowing myself to dwell on what could happen but to embrace and love the now.  To live life for what is happening today.  And let me tell you, it works.
The last three years have been one hell of a roller coaster ride.  A ride at times, I didn't handle very well.  But I wouldn't go back and change a thing.  It's all led me to today.  To where I am.  To my peace.  To my happiness.  It's made me reali…

Barbie's land of happy, and blessed, and happy

I don't know where to start.  As I stated, I'm happy.  Very happy. But it's not just about finding someone.  It's about all the things.  Rekindling my relationship with God. (okay, so maybe it IS about finding someone) Letting go of years of bitterness and anger and resentment.  Spending the past year with someone who brick by brick has singlehandedly brought down the walls I had built up around my heart.  Finding inspiration at church again.

Tuesday I leave with my fella on a trip overnight to visit his parents.  I'm meeting the parents.  It's been 19 years and 8 months since I met parents.  I'm a nervous wreck, but I was 18 the last time I met parents so I have to be less awkward now than I was then, right?  I'm excited at the same time.

Since returning to church and finding my faith again, I've noticed many things.  For one, I am happier.  I find that I am more understanding and tolerant of people.  I find that I want to be a better person. I fi…

It's okay to be not okay, but I'm okay.

But really, I am okay!  Clearly, if you are reading this, you think I am confused.  And clearly, if you are reading this, then you probably know me and you KNOW I am always confused.  But it's okay.

As usual, my life consists of a whole pile of chaos.  And that's okay too.  I always have some random, bizarre ongoing in my life and I've accepted that. But the more I move forward, the more the fog lifts and the more I realize that despite the randomness, despite the battles, I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  I'm growing more and more content with each passing day.

Yesterday I would consider one of my top ten days of my adult life.  It was a simple, perfect day from start to finish.  You probably expect some big spectacular story but it wasn't that.  It consisted of going to church with my mother, spending the afternoon with her, my nephew and my dad, continuing that time into late evening, cooking for my nephew and I, and my boyfriend hanging out with us a…

Did someone say nuts?

Over the past 3 years my life has been a constant roller coaster.  3 years ago I was this sad, miserable, insecure separated woman who was terrified.  Things got worse, then much worse, then better.  Then worse again, well, you get the picture.

I still have ongoing battles, but the good by far outweighs the bad.  My Barbie Jr. is doing well, is settled into our routine, and seems to look forward to seeing her dad.  I have for once focused on me, trying to get healthy.  No, I don't bust my ass in the gym 4 and 5 days a week every single week, but even on the weeks I only get there once or twice, it's still more than I was doing a year ago.  I feel better.  My outlook on life is better.  It's taking time and I'm being patient.  I didn't gain weight and become a ticking time bomb of health overnight and I'm not going to fix it overnight.  Aside from a few issues I feel good mostly.  I have my moody days but that's normal.  I've found my calm.

I am reminded…

Haunted Memories

It seems ironic to me that in a weeks span of time not only did I realize that I'm finally happy with my life, that I also learn my past is coming back to haunt me.  I've reached the point where I'm doing well.  I'm happy.  I have a boyfriend.  I'm taking care of myself.  I did my first ever 5k.  I'm finally getting my shit together.  The ironic part being, I've moved past what happened to me 2 1/2 years ago... or so I thought.
I learned today that during that moment when my life forever changed, that my life did indeed forever changed.  The day it happened I went to the ER and was diagnosed with a concussion. What was missed was that I had had whiplash and a fractured c-6 vertebra. Basically, the most severe whiplash you can suffer. So this person who was supposed to love me, attacked me with such force that it fractured my neck.    And because it was never diagnosed, it didn't heal properly, so I now suffer from pain in my neck and numbness and pain in…

Kicking and screaming

I've been a real pain in the ass lately.  Mean, horrible and bitchy.  Tonight I have been tearful.  That's just not me anymore. And I've thought.  A lot.  I'm not sure why I'm like this.  The only solution I can come up with is the fact that I will be 38 in 2 days.

3 years ago when I turned 35, I knew in my gut it would be a life changing year. I didn't know how, I just knew something big was going to happen.  A few weeks after my birthday, I found out about the affair.  It was a needed change, but during that year all I felt was numbness.  And I was overwhelmed.

36 I had hoped would be better.  It wasn't.  That was the start of Barbie, Jr's separation anxiety.  Therapy. The start of the custody case.

37 I just knew things would be great.  It was also the start of alternating weeks with Barbie Jr.  My having to move (which was a positive thing in the end). And battling it out with my ex-landlord.  Could have been worse but again, not a fabulous year.

WOW

It's come to my attention that I'm known to a couple people as WOW.  I'm venturing to guess it stands for Wicked Ol Witch.  I could be wrong, but I'm probably not.  I find it hilarious actually.  Why you ask?  Because it means that I get under your skin SO MUCH that you came up with a nickname for me.  That's classic.  Thanks for the amusement. Thanks for the realization that for some reason, you are threatened by me.  And all I ever did was be me!
It seems as though you are mistaken however. It seems you are under the misconception that I am unhappy.  Don't confuse my blog posts with how I am.  Yes, I blog real, raw, deep down feelings.  But I leave them there.  That doesn't mean I sit around sad and down and depressed all the time.  Here's a secret, for the most part, I am HAPPY!  *gasp*  What!?!?!?!  The last time I recall crying, even just a little bit, was at a funeral about a month ago.  Guess what?  Funerals are sad. I'm a single mom.  I str…

Don't stop believing....

A little over a month ago, the story of a local dog touched our hearts.  He was found in a ditch, injured, was taken in where he laid in a garage for 3 days, could not stand, he was fed but the person was just waiting for the shelter to open to take him in.  The lovely group of ladies that I foster for, found out, was able to get him and rushed him to the vet.

A month ago today he underwent extensive surgery to his leg and pelvis. Going in, it was uncertain as to whether or not he would even be able to keep his leg.  During surgery it was discovered that his injuries were most likely a few weeks old.  Luckily, his leg was repaired and stabilized with a pin.  That weekend I was asked to foster him.

I was nervous. I have fostered in the past many times but he would require crate rest and different care than I was used to.  Reluctantly I agreed to it.  I picked him up on July 8th.

In the days following I was put at ease. I would have to carry him off the back porch so he could potty.  P…

Major scare and a little perspective

So I had "the" mother of all scares over the past couple weeks.  The "c" word scare.  Let me tell you, it wasn't fun.  Luckily the doctor acted quickly and got the ball rolling, but that didn't mean I didn't have plenty of time to think.  Especially driving in a car for 12 hours thinking about things.  Thinking about if I really did have breast cancer what would that mean.  How much it would change my life.  Would it be early would it be advanced.  God forbid, would I die.  If it wasn't cancer (thank God it wasn't) how I needed to take better care of myself health wise and get back in the getting healthy groove.  How I need to get weight off, my cholesterol and blood pressure down because I don't want to die young.  I realize we are not guaranteed to live another day, but it was a real wake up call that I'm basically playing Russian Roulette with my life by not taking care of myself.

My summer is going great.  I can keep my boobs (yay). …

If you're happy and you know it

So yeah, despite what a few people think and despite my funk a while back, I'm happy.  And all it took was me chilling, being happy with what I have and realizing I have pretty fantastic people in my life.  It's not about finding someone or fitting in, its about living in each day and enjoying each day.

what??? WHAT???

Brace yourselves, I've had  an epiphany.  Guys, I AM HAPPY!  I don't really know what exactly made me realize this but I did.  Maybe it's because Barbie Jr. is with me for the summer. Maybe because I'm looking forward to summer fun with Jr, my friends and their kids. Maybe because I realized that I have enough guy friends to hang out with to remind me that I'm glad I'm single. 
Does it matter? No.  All that does matter is that I have once again found my happy.


Tomorrow....

Tomorrow would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. The last two years it didn't bother me. This year it does.  Why? I don't know.  All I know is that I can finally admit that I know deep down we don't belong together, there will always be that part of me that loves him.  Feelings I've been afraid to own up to for two years. But I realize it's okay, you don't spend half your life with someone and expect to feel nothing at all. So I send this song out in memory of what once was.

http://youtu.be/3JWTaaS7LdU



Grizzly bears, families, exercise and other ramblings.

It's been a pretty good weekend.  For one, I got my haircut which ALWAYS makes the world a better place AND I got bangs.  I got to spend it with Barbie Jr., my mom and my nephew.  We got my yard mowed so now my neighbors no longer hate me.  And I hopped on the scales at my parents house and I had lost 4 pounds. And we went to the zoo.

The whole Zoo experience was weird.  The travel part brought up so many memories from relationships past.  Memories from when I was dating Ken as well as memories of relationships since my divorce. It was bittersweet.  Of course I always love the zoo. The part that made me sad was encountering the families.  The moms and dads and their kids.  It made me sad because Barbie, Jr. never got to experience that.  I wonder if she has any memories of things we did as a family because I know I don't.  Usually when we went somewhere like that it was the two of us. And it makes me sad.  It makes me feel like a failure as a parent. Like her dad and I have ro…

Baby Steps

So here we go.  In my depression/anxiety/etc. over the past few weeks I have done a LOT of thinking.  Scary I know.  And since injuring my ankle, one thing has happened.  I've gained weight.

If anyone still reads my blog that was around for the early Barbie Girl days, you may recall that my weight has been something I've struggled with for years.  And since hurting my foot a month ago, I've gained even more.  Not to mention, along with depression I eat.  And I eat like crap.  Not to mention the fact that I ALWAYS seem to eat like crap.  All a bad combination.

In the past 6 months I've lost 2 friends to colon cancer.  Last summer, an old friend of mine dropped dead at the age of 37 (my age) of a heart attack. Yesterday, a dear friend was admitted to the hospital due to having a stroke.  She's 29. All unrelated things but all frightening. And maybe none avoidable, but the point being, it's been a real eye opener.

Bear with me, there is a point to this whole post.

Delia Bedelia

I spend so much time focusing on everything wrong and whining and complaining. So I'm gonna shake things up a bit and focus on good things.  First and foremost, as of today, Barbie, Jr. will be back with me full time until next school year rolls around.  Words cannot express my excitement.  And it somewhat comes as a surprise because I believed when we went to court last August the alternating weeks was forever.  Turns out, just for the school year.  I'll take it.

So now, my Delia pup.  Delia is my latest foster dog.  Very rarely do we know backstories on the dogs, so all I know is she'd been at the shelter for a long time. She was fully sponsored which meant someone had already donated the amount it would cost to adopt her. I went back through old shelter photos and it looks like she may have been there since around November, maybe even before that.  That's all I knew about her when I agreed to take her, although I had seen a picture of her.

I wasn't quite prepare…

Does anyone else see that elephant in the room?

So yeah, there's an elephant in the room. In my world it's a pink elephant.  And everyone seems to be shouting over it not acknowledging it.  But there will come a time you can't ignore it any longer.

Today's elephant? My current relationship or lack thereof.  In recent months I have been in a so-called relationship. One that went from multiple texts and a phone call each day to an occasional text every few days.  It's been over a week since we spoke on the phone and since we've seen one another. And since it doesn't seem he's open to meeting Barbie, Jr. it will be even longer since the potential to see one another will happen.

So there comes a point when someone needs to step up and call the other person out.  And like always it's gonna be me.  I'm sorry, but I'm not okay with this "relationship". I'm not okay with getting to spend a couple hours here and there with someone and calling it a relationship.  I call that bullshit.…

Out of the rabbit hole

Slowly but surely, I'm crawling out of my funk.  Things are starting to look up. And once I get my haircut next weekend, I'll be ready to take on the world. Okay, maybe not, but I will feel better.

And I lied.  I've been thinking about my blog post where I said I wasn't passionate about anything.  And that isn't true.  Aside from being passionate about being a good mother, I'm passionate about animals.  I'm big into volunteering and working with rescue organizations to try and save as many dogs as I possibly can.  Barbie Jr. and I often foster dogs for weeks at a time, giving them love, roof over their heads and tlc until they can move on to their new home. We are currently on our 5th or 6th foster. Each dog has had its own personality.  Our foster right now, Delia, has spent most of her life in the cage at the shelter.  She craves and gets tons of attention.  It's not much, but it's something.  I love animals and they usually love me.  I think I mi…

No more Mister Nice Girl

Clearly I realize the title of this blog is incorrect but it made me laugh.  So I've been reading this book that Big Sister Barbie bought for me over the weekend.  It's about how to break out of the "nice girl syndrome".  She didn't pick it out for me, I picked it out and she said, "You need this.  I'm buying it for you." And wow, it really hits home. I can relate to so much in that book.

For instance, I'm finding I become too nice when it comes to relationships.  And the result is Barbie Girl = doormat. I don't think it's too much to ask for a little attention.  I don't think it's too much to ask for the occasional night out on the town.  I don't think it is too much to ask to just hold me for a little while rather than spend a token 2 hours with me and then rush off.  It's my choices most likely.  And my not standing up for what I deserve.

So for future reference, here's what I want out of a relationship:


respectmy …

There's no crying at work.

My attitude has not improved since two nights ago. It maybe improved briefly but has returned to the sadness. I've spent the day at work fighting the urge to sit at my desk and sob or throw things and scream.  In the grand scheme of things, I KNOW I have so much to be thankful for. I remind myself of this multiple times a day. But I also know how real my depression is. And no matter how much therapy, what medication I take or what I do, it will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.

I envy happy people. I have become the greatest actress at faking happiness. I realize I don't need *someone* to be happy.  I like my alone time, I like not having someone in my space at all times, but as I said in my last blog, I miss companionship.  I miss the friendship.  I miss having someone to call mine.  I miss inside jokes. I miss secrets. I miss having someone to love.


What is happy?

So I've survived several weeks of preteen angst.  After several discussions with other mothers of preteens I found I'm not alone.  And there's a strange comfort in that.  This week I had my sweet, loving baby girl back.  The week was not nearly long enough, of course it never is.  It seems that we bat an eye and our week together has come to an end.  It grows harder and harder to let her go but I maintain my composure, not daring to let her know how I struggle inside to say goodbye.

It's so lonely when she isn't here.  On my alone weeks I struggle to remember what happiness is.  I have too much time to think.  Sure, my zoo is here to comfort me, but they don't talk back, even if half the time she and I do have ridiculously goofy conversations.  I struggle to remember happy.  I struggle to remember love. I struggle to survive.  I'm surrounded by couples. I'm surrounded by happy.  And I force my smiles.  I don't feel like I have a purpose.  I don'…

She's gonna be a teenager!

It hit me, I am officially the parent of a preteen daughter.  Apparently, this is where my usually sweet and loving Barbie Jr. turns everything into a dramatic event.  Of course, I still love her dearly and usually around bedtime, my sweet and cuddly daughter returns, but it's those in between times that I have to take a moment to pray for my strength.

This weeks drama includes, "Mom and Ms. Ken do not understand fashion", "it's not fair" and "but you said...".  Ms. Ken (aka Ken's girlfriend) and I apparently fail to be cool and just don't understand what the kids are wearing these days since apparently NEITHER of us approve of belly shirts.  The only person that can get away with a belly shirt is Winnie The Pooh and even that one is questionable.

It's not fair because she was able to go shopping with her dad over the weekend and ol' mom can't afford to go shopping.  Ol' mom does not get hand me downs from people like dad&#…

100 random things

Apparently, this is my 100th blog entry post-divorce.  I wonder what I'd be up to if I still had up my archives???  Anyway, I will attempt to tell you 100 random things.  Some you might already know, some you may not.  Let's see how I do:


I have a Barbie poster hanging in my current bedroom.I currently have 3 cats, a dog of my own and a foster dogMy toenails are painted purpleMy fingernails are painted blackMy hair is the longest it has been in 20 plus yearsI'm happier overweight than I was when I was thinI spent half my life in a relationship with my ex-husbandI have several nicknames including: Fred, Freddie, Froffie and the newest FrofflesI have 5 tattoosMost of the shirts in my wardrobe are black or grayI stocked up on Puffs tissues with Vicks because you can only find them in the winterI have an older sisterMy parents are both retiredI was a majorette in high schoolI also played clarinetI can no longer read musicI wish I could singI am a ridiculously, hopeless romantic…

Mirror, mirror

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my ex-husband and what transpired between us 2 years ago. Every day when I look at myself in the mirror, I am reminded of what happened that day.  A day that opened my eyes and showed me what I needed to do.

Oddly enough, even though I think about it every single day, this year, the date passed and I didn't even realize it until today.  I'd like to think it's because I have put all that behind me.  At least, I hope that's what it is.  I've come a long way since that day. I'm a different person now than I was, but one thing has become abundantly clear to me, I am not so sure I like the person I have started to become.
There have been many things over the past couple of years I am not proud of.  I've done some pretty stupid things while trying to soul search and find myself.  Yeah, we all make mistakes.  My problem? I keep making them.  The biggest thing I dislike about myself is my apparent inability to speak up…

My dear friend....

Had it not been for you, I would have never made it through those first few months of my divorce.  You were my rock.  You made me mad as damn at times but that's what friends do.  I wanted to kick your ass when I cooked for you that time and waited on you hand and foot.  And when you left your gum on my table.  But looking back, that's now a memory I will cherish with a smile.  I cherish all the long talks we had.  Many of which continued until the sun came up.

I will find peace with the regrets I have, the biggest being I feel like I failed you as a friend.  I hope you know how dear you were to me and that I will always love you.

Rest in peace my friend.

stand still, look pretty

Retrospect is a curious thing.  Another relationship ended this week and in retrospect, I let myself down.  I spent a little while reading back through old messages on Facebook and on my phone.  Recalling some early phone conversations and becoming more agitated with myself for not doing what I should have done sooner.  Stand up for myself.

Little comments about "overweight people" or how I needed a better routine at the gym if I really wanted results.  Comments about my clothes.  My house. My pets.  And I grinned and took it.  Some within the first week or so of communication.  I recalled a phone conversation where I was told Yeah, I looked at some of your pictures and I can tell the weight fluctuation in your face. That's really when I  should have said, FUCK OFF!
When I had enough and put my foot down, I got all the classic, narcissistic responses.  All the typical responses you would get from someone who is controlling.  But only ONE half-hearted apology to ONE thing…

Take Me As I Am

Ask my momma about the day I was born and you'll hear a story of my dad sleeping, my mom sneaking to scrub baseboards, her hemorrhaging and both of us nearly dying.  Moral of the story, I came into this world to the beat of my own drum.  No, no birth is "typical" but this event set the stage for my life.
I was never the kid who wanted to be like all the other kids.  I was always unique.  I was never afraid of what people might think.  I did my own thing.  I still liked New Kids on the Block when I was 18, did I care?  No.  Did I care that I maybe didn't dress like everyone else?  No.  Did I care that my hair wasn't perfect?  No.  Little things that added up to make me who I was.
While I've changed a lot over 37 years, one aspect that has changed very little is the fact that I still, march to the beat of my own drum.  And it's often said, that is one thing people admire about me.  That I've never been afraid to be myself.  And I find it getting more diff…

It's been decided...

I spent the last few days of 2012 doing some serious analyzing of my life.  Was I happy with how things were?  Was I happy with where I was?  Was I tired of being a doormat?  Am I tired of not standing up to myself to anyone and everyone?

Two answers were yes, two answers were no.  I'm tired of being bossed around being told what to do and people actually expecting me to do it.  Here's a little secret.  I'm 37, not 17.  I'm tired of being a doormat.  Not speaking up for myself.  And it's really nobody's fault but my own.  God forbid I speak up for myself.  I mean, what do I expect?  I was happy with myself but not my doormat status.  I wasn't happy with how things were because I have had this void in my life for so long.
So I vowed the last day of 2012 that I would no longer allow myself to be pushed around, walked on and walking around feeling sort of empty.  I would no longer invest my time in someone who treated me like nothing but a booty call.  So at m…

Randomness

Yes I listened to the Jonas Brothers this morning at work.  Tom Brady* (*name has been changed to protect the innocent) loves when I sing random Carpenters songs to her.  I like the color pink but rarely wear it. I have a pink high heel tape dispenser on my desk. I'm addicted to SongPop. Sometimes when I get all nostalgic I miss hugs from Ken. Barbie, Jr. is growing up way too fast.  I need to get in shape and get healthier. I don't like Reggae music. There is glitter in my bathroom floor and I'm okay with it. Some people annoy me for no apparent reason. I don't understand Facebook "poking". Of course there are many things I will never understand.  Tom Brady and I decided what we were having for lunch at 9:30 this morning. Why are people so loud?  I need therapy for my Adam Levine obsession.  Taylor Swift is my best friend but she doesn't know this. I threw out yarn when I moved. My Christmas tree needs to be taken down.  There's no storage in my hous…