I'm really sad today and I don't know why. Of course breaking a tooth and smashing a deer with my car might be contributing, they aren't the main reasons. I just seem to feel so empty and alone right now. It all really hit me when I did hit the deer. I was already bummed about going home to an empty house, and when I hit the deer, my first instinct would have been to call asshat before, but I ended up calling my mom instead. I miss the companionship. Miss having that person to call on my way to work every morning. And I'm so proud of how far I've come in the past few months and how much all of this has changed me. So I would never want to be back where I was. I know or at least I hope I will find someone someday, but it's gonna be awfully lonely in the meantime.
I actually got the line "I refuse to sink" off a picture of a tattoo on Facebook. But it's fitting for the way I feel right now. I feel like I'm sinking, sinking, sinking. Financially, mentally, physically, emotionally, any way possible. The financial issues are probably the stem of all the other issues. I don't know how many people have told me, just don't worry, God will provide. I'm a Christian, but I suspect when the day comes that they come to shut off my electric or cable or water that they are going to want cold hard cash, not a sermon. And forgive me, I don't mean to mock God but I'm just cynical right now. The weeks I have Barbie, Jr. are pretty good, aside from last week when we were sick. But she keeps me busy, she keeps me sane. The weeks like this, when she's gone I'm lost, lonesome, sad. I'm tired of being a doormat. Someone's last thought. Their option. Tired of not standing up for myself whether it be ...
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