The month of November has been difficult. Not nearly as difficult as the beginning of the year, but still difficult nonetheless. Started out with Barbie, Jr. being pretty ill, the office flooding and now, Dolly (the cat) isn't doing well. Oh, and add the "holidays" coming up, and you have one pretty bummed out Barbie Girl.
I will be honest, I thought by now I would have found someone, and maybe even someone I could take with me to family functions during the holidays. Seems as though that isn't going to happen. I seem to be having a rough time with the holidays yet again this year. I've had many reminders the past few weeks that I am indeed a "single mom". I can't get the cover back on the light hanging on the ceiling in the hallway. During Savannah's illness, only ONE person asked if they could do anything, bring me food, etc. And that was a friend. Her own father didn't even ask if she needed anything, and he's trying to argue with me over having to pay half her medical expenses. As if that is a big surprise. Then I got sick and had no one. As I got better Dolly started to get sick. I spent 3 1/2 hours in the vets office yesterday, alone, my 13 year old cats fate unknown. And I longed for someone to be there with me to console me or to tell me it would be okay. But I didn't have that. All reminders of the fact that while I have family, I still don't have that other part that makes me whole.
I'm in a way better place emotionally this year than I was last, but still, it's difficult. I long for companionship again. Someone who can take one look at me and know I need a hug. Someone to hold my hand when I have to take my sick kitty to the vet. Yeah, yeah, I've heard all the someone will come along when the time is right bullshit. I just have to wonder, what is so wrong with me that no one wants me? What is so flawed about me that I'm still alone?