Step Away From The Barbies

A year ago this weekend, is the weekend that changed my life.  I had a conversation with a random person that spoke loud and clear and told me for once, to follow my gut.  And I did.  And what I found was shocking and devastating.  At the time, I thought it was one of the worst moments of my life, now I realize, it was a blessing. I went through all the right motions and cried.  I cried A LOT.  I felt defeated.  I felt hopeless.  I felt sad.  I replayed the prior 12 years in my mind.  All the problems we faced, the struggles we had been through, and tried to blame myself.  But I couldn't.  He continued to convince me he wasn't seeing the other woman, he wanted me back.  But finding out he was lying to me (big surprise) and living with her is when I think I hit rock bottom.  But it all made sense.  And that's when my determination kicked in. I made it through the holidays.  Of course there was turmoil. ...

I started this blog I believe sometime around 2005 or 2006.  As I mentioned before, so much of what I posted in the past, while it has a lot to do with who I am now, it was too painful and a chapter of my life that I closed, so I removed it to start fresh. Today, I can post for the first time since I started this blog all those years ago, I am truly, fully, utterly happy.  I am at a place where I like myself again.  I'm single, I've lost weight, I feel great most days, I walk outside and see beauty all around me, and it's freaking wonderful. I look in the mirror and love myself.  And it's not about my appearance.  I can look at myself and no longer feel shame.  I look at myself and see a woman who has changed tremendously over the past year.  Has faced some of the most difficult times in her life and kept plowing along stronger and with more determination.  Determined to not fail.  Determined to prove to mainly herself that she would surv...

I always get a little melancholy when school starts back up. I'm not one of those parents who looks forward to it. Fact is, even though I work during the day, I miss all the time I get to spend with Barbie, Jr. when she's not in school. A new school year is another year closer to my baby girl growing up. I had a discussion with her dad today about how much she's changed and how she's adapted to the changes in her life with such ease. And what a good kid she is and how proud we are of her. But the whole discussion, and the fact that we managed to have a discussion, made me think about all the changes that have happened over the past year. I knew this time last year that 35 was going to be a life changing year for me. I didn't know why, I just felt it in my gut. And shortly after turning 35, is when my world began to change. I am a completely different woman than I was. I'm still the goofy, not so shy anymore, loud, silly, not afraid to be me woman ...

I've been reading through the blog archives I removed. Printing them out. As much as I would like to forget them, the bottom line is, my past has made me who I am today. I should not find shame in it. One post in particular caught my eye. I've never made it a secret that I'm this hopeless romantic. Deep down, there's a little girl inside of me that has always believed fairy tales do exist. So this post from October, 2008, made me sad: There's no such thing as a glass slipper. I want the fairy tale. I want Prince Charming. I want the man who tells me how completely wonderful I am, even if I DO eat ice cream cake while on my diet. I want a man who takes my breath away each and every day. A man who doesn't lie to me, doesn't hurt me, and doesn't take me for granted. I want to be Cinderella damnit. The thing is, Walt Disney lied to us. All of us little girls who dreamed of perfect love and romance... LIED TO. There are no fairy godmothers, there ...