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Showing posts from November, 2011

Big. Fat. Phooey.

I'm in one of those moods where I feel like the world is against me.  One where I feel panicked, like my breath is being taken from me.  It's been a really long time since I felt this way, in fact, I was probably married the last time I felt like that.  I just feel like I want to sit and cry.

Typically we try and find things to be thankful for in November.  I could name a million things I'm thankful for, and at the end of the day, even the things that are stressing me out right now are pretty minor.  I just feel like it's been one blow after another this month.  Pneumonia, asthma, flooding, vet bills, sick cats, broken dryers, broken wallet and now, my car is effed up.  All while trying to Christmas shop.  They'll let me buy things on my looks alone, right? Not that I'd get very far in that department with this rudolph nose, pale face and bags under my eyes from lack of sleep due to stress.

And now, the "girlfriend" has requested to talk to me.  I ha…

We all have ability. The difference is how we use it. --Stevie Wonder

So, things have started to look up for Barbie Girl.  In the past 10 days I've logged about 6 or 7 hours in at the vet's office.  I've had a wonderful Thanksgiving, with my family. And I've been reminded of how blessed I am.
This time last week, if you had told me Miss Dolly would still be with us, I would have thought you were crazy. I feel like I know the people at the veterinarian's office by now.  And they are wonderful, caring people.  After thinking it could be a multitude of things, turns out, Dolly has severe arthritis in her back and hips. Right  now it's being treated with steroids and pain meds.  And of course, I'm faced with the reality that at some point, these medications may not work and I may have to make that one big decision I dread. But I will not dwell on that, I will simply enjoy the time I have with her.  
She has mellowed some.  Marco has taken to laying with her on the blanket, mainly because she no longer hisses or growls at him.  Sh…

Guess I must be wishing on someone else's star...

The month of November has been difficult.  Not nearly as difficult as the beginning of the year, but still difficult nonetheless.  Started out with Barbie, Jr. being pretty ill, the office flooding and now, Dolly (the cat) isn't doing well.  Oh, and add the "holidays" coming up, and you have one pretty bummed out Barbie Girl.
I will be honest, I thought by now I would have found someone, and maybe even someone I could take with me to family functions during the holidays.  Seems as though that isn't going to happen.  I seem to be having a rough time with the holidays yet again this year.  I've had many reminders the past few weeks that I am indeed a "single mom".  I can't get the cover back on the light hanging on the ceiling in the hallway.  During Savannah's illness, only ONE person asked if they could do anything, bring me food, etc.  And that was a friend.  Her own father didn't even ask if she needed anything, and he's trying to argu…

Shhhh brain, I'm trying to sleep

It seems as though we are on the upswing of the Barbie, Jr. illness which developed into pneumonia.  Fingers crossed she continues to get better rather than get worse.  Today has been her first good day in nearly a week. She is still pale but has a little more color in her face than she did a few days ago.
Needless to say, I've been exhausted.  To the point of being weepy even.  At night when I would try and rest my brain wouldn't shut down.  Of course by the time I hit the point I thought just maybe sleep was an option, her fever would spike, she would cough and wheeze and I'd end up staying awake to watch over her.  Not a complaint by any means, I wouldn't have it any other way.  
I will say, I do give big kudos to Ex-Ken.  He's been a real trooper through it all especially since she missed her weekend with him and her overnight tonight.  He's been very understanding and patient and I'm sure he does miss her, I know she misses him.  But he understands and…

One of those nights..

I'm exhausted.  I've had a headache for 4 days that won't seem to go away despite tons of Excedrin, Motrin and Aleve.  No, not truly tons, not all at the same time.  Thinking maybe I have been dehydrated, I've been drinking plenty of water.  Nothing.  This damn headache won't leave.

The worst part being, my baby girl is now sick.  Going on day three.  Fever, cough, aches, etc.  A virus they say.  But you feel so helpless when you can't really do anything to make the misery go away.  Of course plenty of TLC helps, but that only goes so far.
It's one of the few times I wish someone else were here with me.  As a mother, naturally I get worried when my child is sick.  It would be nice to have someone here who could hug me and tell me it will all be okay.  Someone who would hold me and let me cry out of sheer exhaustion and frustration.   Tonight is one of those nights I miss that part of a relationship.  It's that missing link I hope to find again someday. …

Self-esteem and all that jazz

I realized that I went on a first date for the first time since I've been dating again (okay, so I've had maybe 3 first dates?) that my nerves were due to normal first date jitters, not because I thought he would take one look at me and want to run the other way.  
My other dates I truly, deep down, stressed about that.  I would think, he's going to see me and run.  And I believed that.  It is heartbreaking to me, that I thought so little of myself to even think that way.  On the other hand, I'm thankful I have finally found my place where I have more confidence, more self-esteem.  Sure I stressed over the fact that my hair wouldn't cooperate, but I didn't have that fear, that little voice inside that told me, "You are fat and ugly.  Why would anyone want you?  He's going to look at you and run."  The only voice I heard was the one telling me to just be myself and I would be fine.  And I was.
I'll never be skinny again.  I'll never be the …