Death leaves a heartache....

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal and memories no one can steal."

It's hard to believe it has been 7 years since we lost my granny. For some reason, this year is especially hard on me. Because of all we've been through? Maybe. Because I know she would be proud of me? Absolutely.

I dreamt of her night before last. She was on her porch and I was driving by. I was ashamed because in my dream it had been over a year since I had been to visit her. All I know is I'd give just about anything to hear her laugh again, to see her smile and for a hug from her. I miss her so much.

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I refuse to sink...

I actually got the line "I refuse to sink" off a picture of a tattoo on Facebook. But it's fitting for the way I feel right now. I feel like I'm sinking, sinking, sinking. Financially, mentally, physically, emotionally, any way possible. The financial issues are probably the stem of all the other issues. I don't know how many people have told me, just don't worry, God will provide. I'm a Christian, but I suspect when the day comes that they come to shut off my electric or cable or water that they are going to want cold hard cash, not a sermon. And forgive me, I don't mean to mock God but I'm just cynical right now. The weeks I have Barbie, Jr. are pretty good, aside from last week when we were sick. But she keeps me busy, she keeps me sane. The weeks like this, when she's gone I'm lost, lonesome, sad. I'm tired of being a doormat. Someone's last thought. Their option. Tired of not standing up for myself whether it be ...

No more Mister Nice Girl

Clearly I realize the title of this blog is incorrect but it made me laugh. So I've been reading this book that Big Sister Barbie bought for me over the weekend. It's about how to break out of the "nice girl syndrome". She didn't pick it out for me, I picked it out and she said, "You need this. I'm buying it for you." And wow, it really hits home. I can relate to so much in that book. For instance, I'm finding I become too nice when it comes to relationships. And the result is Barbie Girl = doormat. I don't think it's too much to ask for a little attention. I don't think it's too much to ask for the occasional night out on the town. I don't think it is too much to ask to just hold me for a little while rather than spend a token 2 hours with me and then rush off. It's my choices most likely. And my not standing up for what I deserve. So for future reference, here's what I want out of a relationship: res...

Mirror, mirror

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my ex-husband and what transpired between us 2 years ago. Every day when I look at myself in the mirror, I am reminded of what happened that day. A day that opened my eyes and showed me what I needed to do. Oddly enough, even though I think about it every single day, this year, the date passed and I didn't even realize it until today. I'd like to think it's because I have put all that behind me. At least, I hope that's what it is. I've come a long way since that day. I'm a different person now than I was, but one thing has become abundantly clear to me, I am not so sure I like the person I have started to become. There have been many things over the past couple of years I am not proud of. I've done some pretty stupid things while trying to soul search and find myself. Yeah, we all make mistakes. My problem? I keep making them. The biggest thing I dislike about myself is my apparent inabili...

Step Away From The Barbies

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