The anxiety is still present but not as bad. Unless you consider sobbing by the time I got to work this morning bad? The worst part was the random dude sitting out back, greeting me good morning and me trying to return the greeting through my sobs. Which made me feel worse because more than likely he's from the homeless shelter and here I was, getting out of my vehicle, going to my job that pays me money and at the end of the day I would be going to my house. Oh did I mention I'm also on steriods for my asthma too.
Things have worked out with Barbie, Jr. and the visitation issues we had. I just pray she adjusts well to the schedule. No matter what he's done to me, or the issues between us, he is still her dad and he deserves to see her. Things, communication and such are going well between he and I too.
I have also made the decision to go back to Marshall University in January and pursue a degree in Social Work. I'm excited, scared, nervous but mostly proud of myself for making this decision. My mom was 42 when she went back to school to become an LPN which was one of my encouraging factors in this decision. My mom didn't drive until she was my age, didn't get a job outside the home until a few years later and then decided to better herself and go back to school. She kept an "A" average while dealing with me and whatever teenage angst I had going on. What I will do once I have completed it, I don't know, but undoubtedly it will be something fabulous.
My personal life is soaring. I've tried to come up with a creative, Barbie-ish name for the boy but all I have come up with is Ken 2.0. It might be kind of fitting since he and the ex share the same first name! :) He is proof that good things come to those who wait. He is proof that there are soul mates. I thank God every single day for the two best things in my life, Barbie jr and Ken 2.0. I have been completely and utterly blessed. Hopefully this bout with crazy and anxiety won't scare him away. But he has this knack about him that makes me know that everything will be okay.
I actually got the line "I refuse to sink" off a picture of a tattoo on Facebook. But it's fitting for the way I feel right now. I feel like I'm sinking, sinking, sinking. Financially, mentally, physically, emotionally, any way possible. The financial issues are probably the stem of all the other issues. I don't know how many people have told me, just don't worry, God will provide. I'm a Christian, but I suspect when the day comes that they come to shut off my electric or cable or water that they are going to want cold hard cash, not a sermon. And forgive me, I don't mean to mock God but I'm just cynical right now. The weeks I have Barbie, Jr. are pretty good, aside from last week when we were sick. But she keeps me busy, she keeps me sane. The weeks like this, when she's gone I'm lost, lonesome, sad. I'm tired of being a doormat. Someone's last thought. Their option. Tired of not standing up for myself whether it be ...
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