Carrie Bradshaw and I think alike

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

I can pretend all day that I'm fine, life is good (and it really is) and that I'm strong and don't need anyone. Only part of that is true. I'm very thankful for the family and friends in my life and I am strong. But I'm not fine, I'm lonely, and I want to think I'm going to find love again someday. But I don't feel hopeful about that.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Growing up, I believed in fairy tales. I desperately want to think my prince charming is out there lurking, just waiting to sweep me off my feet. Okay, maybe lurking is the wrong word given a few recent, creepy events.

I am told all the time that I'm fine. That it must be nice to have nobody. But nobody realizes how lonely I really am. Especially when Barbie, Jr. is gone. Sure, sometimes the peace is nice, but most times, the silence is deafening.

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Kindness goes a long way

My last post was about how I refused to be irrelevant. I posted it the day before my 42nd birthday. It was and is a phrase that has stuck with me. I haven't blogged since, although I have been planning to. So months later, here

On my birthday I received an anonymous gift of a beautiful Edible Arrangement with the attached card:

I want whoever you are to know, I carry this with me in my wallet every single day. I have a few special things that I keep with me always, a drawing Savannah did, a poem she wrote me to tell me everything would be fine when her dad and I were in an ugly custody battle, and now this. Whoever you are, your kind gesture holds a spot among the most treasured things I carry with me day in and day out. I take it out when I am having an especially down day to remind myself that I do matter. That I am relevant. Yesterday was one of those days. I was feeling down, unloved, unappreciated, so I took the note out and read it. And through my tears of frustration…

I refuse to be irrelevant.

After insisting to my friends at work that I had *tried* to watch "Grace and Frankie" I discovered that I lied. I had watched maybe 15 minutes of the show. So I gave it a second chance. I'm about halfway through the first season and something the character Grace said hit me like a ton of bricks. "I refuse to be irrelevant."

I. Refuse. To. Be. Irrelevant.

To me it is a powerful statement. And one I need to relate to more. Because I can so related to feeling irrelevant these days. I feel like I don't matter. I mean of course, there are people I matter to, and others who make me feel irrelevant. Who make me feel like my presence doesn't matter. And I blame myself.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't even care. I've always been all woohoo, my birthday is coming up. This year? I could care less. It's a Tuesday. I have zero expectations. I'm sure people on Facebook will wish me happy birthday, but otherwise, it just feels like a…

Who says you can't go home?

It was between the lyrics "I went as far as I could, I tried to find a new face. There isn't one of these lines that I would erase. I lived a million miles of memories on that road." and "Guess who's back? Back again?" for the title to this post, but "Who says you can't go home?" seemed perfect as I feel like I'm home again.

It's silly, I know. I don't know if anyone even reads blogs anymore. I don't know if anyone reads mine. It doesn't really matter. My therapist suggested I write again whether it be in my journal or blogging. But my immediate thought was this blog. This is where I poured my heart out for years and it feels like my home. The last post I made here was about how wonderful my life was. How much better it was. That was a little over a year ago. And let me tell you. It's been a hell of a year. My kiddos are wonderful. Barbie Jr. while still sassy at times, is becoming such a beautiful (of course…

Step Away From The Barbies

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