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Kicking and screaming

I've been a real pain in the ass lately.  Mean, horrible and bitchy.  Tonight I have been tearful.  That's just not me anymore. And I've thought.  A lot.  I'm not sure why I'm like this.  The only solution I can come up with is the fact that I will be 38 in 2 days.

3 years ago when I turned 35, I knew in my gut it would be a life changing year. I didn't know how, I just knew something big was going to happen.  A few weeks after my birthday, I found out about the affair.  It was a needed change, but during that year all I felt was numbness.  And I was overwhelmed.

36 I had hoped would be better.  It wasn't.  That was the start of Barbie, Jr's separation anxiety.  Therapy. The start of the custody case.

37 I just knew things would be great.  It was also the start of alternating weeks with Barbie Jr.  My having to move (which was a positive thing in the end). And battling it out with my ex-landlord.  Could have been worse but again, not a fabulous year.

The sad part? I have no hopes or dreams for 38.  At this point, I just hope I make it through another year.  I'm not one to dread birthdays but the truth is, I am.  I thought my life would be different by now. And while it is not in the way I had hoped.  I long to settle down.  Find someone (yeah, don't even start this bullshit that I'm looking too hard). Sure I come with baggage. I just feel like I'm the girl nobody wants to date.

I Know, it will all work out and I'll be fine.  I'm just ready.  To settle down.  Be a couple.  Maybe this will be the year.

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