Skip to main content

Kicking and screaming

I've been a real pain in the ass lately.  Mean, horrible and bitchy.  Tonight I have been tearful.  That's just not me anymore. And I've thought.  A lot.  I'm not sure why I'm like this.  The only solution I can come up with is the fact that I will be 38 in 2 days.

3 years ago when I turned 35, I knew in my gut it would be a life changing year. I didn't know how, I just knew something big was going to happen.  A few weeks after my birthday, I found out about the affair.  It was a needed change, but during that year all I felt was numbness.  And I was overwhelmed.

36 I had hoped would be better.  It wasn't.  That was the start of Barbie, Jr's separation anxiety.  Therapy. The start of the custody case.

37 I just knew things would be great.  It was also the start of alternating weeks with Barbie Jr.  My having to move (which was a positive thing in the end). And battling it out with my ex-landlord.  Could have been worse but again, not a fabulous year.

The sad part? I have no hopes or dreams for 38.  At this point, I just hope I make it through another year.  I'm not one to dread birthdays but the truth is, I am.  I thought my life would be different by now. And while it is not in the way I had hoped.  I long to settle down.  Find someone (yeah, don't even start this bullshit that I'm looking too hard). Sure I come with baggage. I just feel like I'm the girl nobody wants to date.

I Know, it will all work out and I'll be fine.  I'm just ready.  To settle down.  Be a couple.  Maybe this will be the year.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I refuse to sink...

I actually got the line "I refuse to sink" off a picture of a tattoo on Facebook. But it's fitting for the way I feel right now. I feel like I'm sinking, sinking, sinking. Financially, mentally, physically, emotionally, any way possible. The financial issues are probably the stem of all the other issues. I don't know how many people have told me, just don't worry, God will provide. I'm a Christian, but I suspect when the day comes that they come to shut off my electric or cable or water that they are going to want cold hard cash, not a sermon. And forgive me, I don't mean to mock God but I'm just cynical right now. The weeks I have Barbie, Jr. are pretty good, aside from last week when we were sick. But she keeps me busy, she keeps me sane. The weeks like this, when she's gone I'm lost, lonesome, sad. I'm tired of being a doormat. Someone's last thought. Their option. Tired of not standing up for myself whether it be ...
3 comments
Read more

No more Mister Nice Girl

Clearly I realize the title of this blog is incorrect but it made me laugh.  So I've been reading this book that Big Sister Barbie bought for me over the weekend.  It's about how to break out of the "nice girl syndrome".  She didn't pick it out for me, I picked it out and she said, "You need this.  I'm buying it for you." And wow, it really hits home. I can relate to so much in that book. For instance, I'm finding I become too nice when it comes to relationships.  And the result is Barbie Girl = doormat. I don't think it's too much to ask for a little attention.  I don't think it's too much to ask for the occasional night out on the town.  I don't think it is too much to ask to just hold me for a little while rather than spend a token 2 hours with me and then rush off.  It's my choices most likely.  And my not standing up for what I deserve. So for future reference, here's what I want out of a relationship: res...
3 comments
Read more

Mirror, mirror

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my ex-husband and what transpired between us 2 years ago. Every day when I look at myself in the mirror, I am reminded of what happened that day.  A day that opened my eyes and showed me what I needed to do. Oddly enough, even though I think about it every single day, this year, the date passed and I didn't even realize it until today.  I'd like to think it's because I have put all that behind me.  At least, I hope that's what it is.  I've come a long way since that day. I'm a different person now than I was, but one thing has become abundantly clear to me, I am not so sure I like the person I have started to become. There have been many things over the past couple of years I am not proud of.  I've done some pretty stupid things while trying to soul search and find myself.  Yeah, we all make mistakes.  My problem? I keep making them.  The biggest thing I dislike about myself is my apparent inabili...
3 comments
Read more