Skip to main content

stand still, look pretty

Retrospect is a curious thing.  Another relationship ended this week and in retrospect, I let myself down.  I spent a little while reading back through old messages on Facebook and on my phone.  Recalling some early phone conversations and becoming more agitated with myself for not doing what I should have done sooner.  Stand up for myself.

Little comments about "overweight people" or how I needed a better routine at the gym if I really wanted results.  Comments about my clothes.  My house. My pets.  And I grinned and took it.  Some within the first week or so of communication.  I recalled a phone conversation where I was told Yeah, I looked at some of your pictures and I can tell the weight fluctuation in your face. That's really when I  should have said, FUCK OFF!

When I had enough and put my foot down, I got all the classic, narcissistic responses.  All the typical responses you would get from someone who is controlling.  But only ONE half-hearted apology to ONE thing I said had hurt my feelings.  I have no apologizes.  I am who I am.  I will not change who I am or what I look like for anyone.  The only person I need to apologize to is myself, for not putting a stop to the jabs and criticism from day one.

While I don't think you will come to my blog to see if I wrote about this situation, although part of me suspects you might.  So just in case, let me say this. If I cared for someone, as you claimed to care about me, EVEN if I felt I had done no wrong, I would have told that person, "you know what, I think I'm misunderstood and I am sorry if I made you feel the way you did."  Instead, you continued to turn the tables and make excuses. For me, that speaks volumes about who you truly are.

This is the biggest thing that sticks out in my mind from our conversation.  You accused me of confusing you with the person I used to be married to.  Even my regular readers will probably be surprised here because I am actually going to defend that person.  He and I had some wonderful times. Almost daily I can think of something silly that happened between us, or a joke we had and I smile.  Yes, there were many bad times between us.  Yes, I let him almost destroy the person I am and thank God I found her again.  But he can't be totally blamed for that.  Again, it was years of me letting him get by and not standing up for myself.  But I can sure as HELL guarantee you one thing.  He may not have treated me the way I should have been treated, but I will tell you this much, he never ONCE tried to change who I was.  NEVER.

Comments

susieqlaw said…
You are beautiful.
4:29 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Take Me As I Am

Ask my momma about the day I was born and you'll hear a story of my dad sleeping, my mom sneaking to scrub baseboards, her hemorrhaging and both of us nearly dying.  Moral of the story, I came into this world to the beat of my own drum.  No, no birth is "typical" but this event set the stage for my life. I was never the kid who wanted to be like all the other kids.  I was always unique.  I was never afraid of what people might think.  I did my own thing.  I still liked New Kids on the Block when I was 18, did I care?  No.  Did I care that I maybe didn't dress like everyone else?  No.  Did I care that my hair wasn't perfect?  No.  Little things that added up to make me who I was. While I've changed a lot over 37 years, one aspect that has changed very little is the fact that I still, march to the beat of my own drum.  And it's often said, that is one thing people admire about me.  That I've never been afraid to ...
1 comment
Read more

100 random things

Apparently, this is my 100th blog entry post-divorce.  I wonder what I'd be up to if I still had up my archives???  Anyway, I will attempt to tell you 100 random things.  Some you might already know, some you may not.  Let's see how I do: I have a Barbie poster hanging in my current bedroom. I currently have 3 cats, a dog of my own and a foster dog My toenails are painted purple My fingernails are painted black My hair is the longest it has been in 20 plus years I'm happier overweight than I was when I was thin I spent half my life in a relationship with my ex-husband I have several nicknames including: Fred, Freddie, Froffie and the newest Froffles I have 5 tattoos Most of the shirts in my wardrobe are black or gray I stocked up on Puffs tissues with Vicks because you can only find them in the winter I have an older sister My parents are both retired I was a majorette in high school I also played clarinet I can no longer read music I wish I could...
3 comments
Read more

Mirror, mirror

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my ex-husband and what transpired between us 2 years ago. Every day when I look at myself in the mirror, I am reminded of what happened that day.  A day that opened my eyes and showed me what I needed to do. Oddly enough, even though I think about it every single day, this year, the date passed and I didn't even realize it until today.  I'd like to think it's because I have put all that behind me.  At least, I hope that's what it is.  I've come a long way since that day. I'm a different person now than I was, but one thing has become abundantly clear to me, I am not so sure I like the person I have started to become. There have been many things over the past couple of years I am not proud of.  I've done some pretty stupid things while trying to soul search and find myself.  Yeah, we all make mistakes.  My problem? I keep making them.  The biggest thing I dislike about myself is my apparent inabili...
3 comments
Read more