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Baby Steps

So here we go.  In my depression/anxiety/etc. over the past few weeks I have done a LOT of thinking.  Scary I know.  And since injuring my ankle, one thing has happened.  I've gained weight.

If anyone still reads my blog that was around for the early Barbie Girl days, you may recall that my weight has been something I've struggled with for years.  And since hurting my foot a month ago, I've gained even more.  Not to mention, along with depression I eat.  And I eat like crap.  Not to mention the fact that I ALWAYS seem to eat like crap.  All a bad combination.

In the past 6 months I've lost 2 friends to colon cancer.  Last summer, an old friend of mine dropped dead at the age of 37 (my age) of a heart attack. Yesterday, a dear friend was admitted to the hospital due to having a stroke.  She's 29. All unrelated things but all frightening. And maybe none avoidable, but the point being, it's been a real eye opener.

Bear with me, there is a point to this whole post.

When I went to the doctor last week, I weighed more than I ever have, aside from when I was pregnant with Barbie Jr. And I haven't. Stopped. Thinking. About. That. Number.  I'm disgusted.  I'm angry at myself. And after thinking about the above eye-opening events I came to one conclusion. My weight is nothing but pure laziness, plain and simple. I've come to the point where I eat and I don't give two shits that what I'm putting in my mouth isn't good for me.  I don't bat an eyelash at devouring ice cream like there's no tomorrow. And another thing I've realized, it's really taking a toll on my body.  My knees hurt, my asthma is worse, and I'm certain that has contributed to my foot not healing well. I want to sleep all the time.  It's not healthy.

So after having my meltdown this morning which led to me taking a Xanax at my co-worker's request I had a little talk to myself.  There's no waiting until next week.  There's no waiting for this or that. I'm doing it today. And so I left work and headed to Weight Watchers and joined.  Yes, I have joined before.  Yes, I failed miserably.  And yes I always say, but I'm gonna do it this time.  But this time, it's happening.  I have a beach trip in 6 weeks and a 20th year high school reunion in 2 months.  No, I don't expect a miracle between now and then, but I'm hoping to be well on the road to healthy by then.  And I don't want to lose weight and become skinny, I just want to be healthy. I just want to feel good. I just want to have energy again. I just want to live.

Another contributing factor is a friend of mine Mrs Smart Ass. And I hope she doesn't mind that I called her out.  She has been such an inspiration to me.  So far she has lost over 100 pounds and still going full force.  She is an amazing woman, amazing wife, amazing mother and I'm blessed to have her as a friend.

So it's gonna take baby steps but I can do this.


Mrs Smart Ass said…
You made me cry... a happy cry. I am so happy for you! You CAN do this! You are worth it and you have a lot of living to do! :) I am glad that my journey is helping you. I am here for ya... so do not hesitate to contact me!!! *hugs*

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