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What is happy?

So I've survived several weeks of preteen angst.  After several discussions with other mothers of preteens I found I'm not alone.  And there's a strange comfort in that.  This week I had my sweet, loving baby girl back.  The week was not nearly long enough, of course it never is.  It seems that we bat an eye and our week together has come to an end.  It grows harder and harder to let her go but I maintain my composure, not daring to let her know how I struggle inside to say goodbye.

It's so lonely when she isn't here.  On my alone weeks I struggle to remember what happiness is.  I have too much time to think.  Sure, my zoo is here to comfort me, but they don't talk back, even if half the time she and I do have ridiculously goofy conversations.  I struggle to remember happy.  I struggle to remember love. I struggle to survive.  I'm surrounded by couples. I'm surrounded by happy.  And I force my smiles.  I don't feel like I have a purpose.  I don't feel passionate about anything.  I just feel like I am here, nothing more, nothing less.  I just exist.  I miss the friendship of my marriage. We did have good times.  I miss something stupid happening and one of us picking up the phone to call the other and say OMG let me tell you what happened.  These days when something happens, I have nobody to share it with. And it makes me sad.

I get tired of people thinking they "understand".  Some might but, most of those I guarantee have no clue what it is like to have literally no money to last them a week until they get paid.  I'm probably a paycheck away from losing everything.  I can't afford cable, I have a stove that doesn't work, and am surrounded by people who can spend money like it's nothing.  It was a huge deal for me to even be able to afford to pitch in a few bucks to help Barbie, Jr. buy a bicycle.  Meanwhile, most of my friends are going on and on and on about what they've bought, their next vacation or something that has to do with money.  While I sit quietly wondering if they realize how fortunate they are??

For the record this isn't a cry for help.  I have no desire to harm myself in any way.  It's just me pouring my heart out just for the sake of getting it off my chest in hopes that someday I will look back on this and be happy.  And not have to struggle any more to put food on my table or pay my bills.  Not have to cringe every time I get in my car while hoping it starts.  I hope someday I'll be happy.


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