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It's okay to be not okay, but I'm okay.

But really, I am okay!  Clearly, if you are reading this, you think I am confused.  And clearly, if you are reading this, then you probably know me and you KNOW I am always confused.  But it's okay.

As usual, my life consists of a whole pile of chaos.  And that's okay too.  I always have some random, bizarre ongoing in my life and I've accepted that. But the more I move forward, the more the fog lifts and the more I realize that despite the randomness, despite the battles, I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  I'm growing more and more content with each passing day.

Yesterday I would consider one of my top ten days of my adult life.  It was a simple, perfect day from start to finish.  You probably expect some big spectacular story but it wasn't that.  It consisted of going to church with my mother, spending the afternoon with her, my nephew and my dad, continuing that time into late evening, cooking for my nephew and I, and my boyfriend hanging out with us at mom and dad's house watching TV.  Yes, Barbie, Jr. was missing from that equation but it was still a simple, perfect day, full of happiness and memories.

It wasn't about any one thing, it was about the feeling of happiness I felt in my heart.  Something I forgot I could even feel.  Just carefree.  Just sitting and laughing and crocheting (yes, I did THAT in front of my boyfriend) and being with the people I care about the most.  THAT is what makes me happy.  Just being.

It was a really troubling week for me at work.  I could go into detail but I'll leave it at being extremely burnt out, exhausted and being somewhere that I know I am not wanted. And somewhere I'm likely to be dismissed from soon.  It's a horrible, uneasy feeling.  And it's led to me thinking a WHOLE lot the past few weeks.  And led me to one realization, I've completely lost my faith in God.

There's no clear reason why it all led to that one realization.  It's a combination of where my life is now compared to three years ago.  How I completely turned away from church and ran towards my demons with open arms.  I consumed myself with why me, why can't I be happy, why are bad things always happening to me.  I focused on the negative and when things did start going well I would shove them away in an effort to protect myself.  To protect my heart.  I don't know the exact moment that changed or what happened. I know it was around my birthday.  I'd gone out with friends, had a rough night and I remember thinking, this is so stupid.  I don't want to do this anymore.  And there sits this fella, patient, sweet and kind.  And he's stood by me for a year through my craziness and he's still here. And it was time to admit, I really and truly cared about him.  And the thought of not having him, scared the hell out of me. And I realized how lucky I was to have him and I finally allowed myself to admit, I love him. Have I told him this? OH heck no. Well, not yet anyway.

And so once I allowed myself to feel again, the calm crept in.  The contentment.  The peace.  Sure I still have my struggles, I just face them a little different now.  But there was still that one area that something didn't feel quite right.  It felt a little lost.  And with the work turmoil over the past few weeks I was hit with that realization that I had lost my faith in God.  Attending church again is something I've talked about doing for a while now.  I grew up in a Methodist church and have tried out a few other churches here and there.  I kept saying I'd go to this one or that one, but I never did.  A few months back, the church I grew up in welcomed a new Pastor.  I've seen many in my 38 years. I have had great respect for each and every one of them.  So a week ago, I attended my old church for the first time in a long time.  I cannot even begin to describe the feeling I felt when I saw the joy on people's faces upon seeing us re-enter that church. I got more hugs than I could count that day.  It was the most awesome feeling and the new Pastor?  I truly believe God sent him to us.

SO I was eager to go back to church yesterday.  In 38 years, I can never recall weeping during a church service.  Until yesterday.  It was a beautiful service and paid tribute to our great Veteran's.  And that was touching.  But the sermon?  Was about faith.  The one thing I've spent the past few weeks talking to God about, praying about, desperately searching for.  And the things Pastor Tom said, were things that had gone through my mind.  And it was like God had led him to deliver that sermon just to me.  I was almost speechless afterwards. My voice quivered as I told my mom how moved I was, and how that was the one thing I've been struggling with.  And I felt a weight lift off my shoulders because I know, whatever happens in my life is being led by God. Whatever happens at work, I'm at peace with.  I was reminded that God will not let me down.  And that set the tone of my perfect day.

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