Step Away From The Barbies

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal and memories no one can steal." It's hard to believe it has been 7 years since we lost my granny.  For some reason, this year is especially hard on me.  Because of all we've been through?  Maybe.  Because I know she would be proud of me?  Absolutely.     I dreamt of her night before last.  She was on her porch and I was driving by.  I was ashamed because in my dream it had been over a year since I had been to visit her.  All I know is I'd give just about anything to hear her laugh again, to see her smile and for a hug from her.  I miss her so much.

I'm very proud of myself.  In all this self-transformation, the one thing I have finally realized is, it's okay to stand up for yourself.  In my divorce I managed to finally take a stand, but found myself afterwards, still walking around, worrying too much about hurting feelings and less about what was best for me.  I can proudly say, during the past month, and everything sort of falling into place, I realized, you're gonna hurt feelings sometimes. You can't make EVERYONE happy. I've lost a friend or two because of this, but the bottom line is, they really weren't friends to begin with.  One used me as an alibi without my knowledge and dragged me in the middle of tons of drama, the other wanted to keep me on the backburner as a potential girlfriend in case the perfect woman never came along.  I made it clear that I indeed was one hell of a catch. Guys, let me tell you something, I am all for keeping your options open if you are not in an exclusive relationsh...

Dialogue from a year ago today.  In the middle of Wal-Mart.  Yep KLASSY! Me:  "You hurried up on your route thinking you could avoid me huh?  You are nothing but a LYING sack of SHIT!" Him:  "I didn't do nothing." Me:  "Oh bullshit. Men don't send men text messages with fucking smiley faces in them.  When you get home from work, you're shit will be packed and on the porch.  I want you OUT!" Best words I ever uttered in my entire life.

A year ago this weekend, is the weekend that changed my life.  I had a conversation with a random person that spoke loud and clear and told me for once, to follow my gut.  And I did.  And what I found was shocking and devastating.  At the time, I thought it was one of the worst moments of my life, now I realize, it was a blessing. I went through all the right motions and cried.  I cried A LOT.  I felt defeated.  I felt hopeless.  I felt sad.  I replayed the prior 12 years in my mind.  All the problems we faced, the struggles we had been through, and tried to blame myself.  But I couldn't.  He continued to convince me he wasn't seeing the other woman, he wanted me back.  But finding out he was lying to me (big surprise) and living with her is when I think I hit rock bottom.  But it all made sense.  And that's when my determination kicked in. I made it through the holidays.  Of course there was turmoil. ...

My new mantra.  Aaaah, happy, it's nice to see you again.

This is a story of two friends Berta and Fred** Fred:   Blah, blah, blah, I like to crochet and do granny things. Berta:  We should do granny things together. Fred:   I got some new crochet patterns.  I'm going to make some hats. Berta:  Never EVER say that on a first, or second date. Fred:   But what if I want to make my date a hat? Berta:  NEVER.  Listen to me.  You don't talk granny things on a first date. Fred:   Fine.  Third date? Berta:  *glares at Fred* No granny talk. ** names changed to protect the "innocent"

I started this blog I believe sometime around 2005 or 2006.  As I mentioned before, so much of what I posted in the past, while it has a lot to do with who I am now, it was too painful and a chapter of my life that I closed, so I removed it to start fresh. Today, I can post for the first time since I started this blog all those years ago, I am truly, fully, utterly happy.  I am at a place where I like myself again.  I'm single, I've lost weight, I feel great most days, I walk outside and see beauty all around me, and it's freaking wonderful. I look in the mirror and love myself.  And it's not about my appearance.  I can look at myself and no longer feel shame.  I look at myself and see a woman who has changed tremendously over the past year.  Has faced some of the most difficult times in her life and kept plowing along stronger and with more determination.  Determined to not fail.  Determined to prove to mainly herself that she would surv...

Day two with my therapist (oh hey, did I mention I started seeing a therapist) and we discussed how I realized through my divorce that I have always lived my life according to how others felt I should live.  I always would seek approval from family and friends before doing anything.  How I often go along with things just to keep the peace.  How I never speak up for myself or how I feel.  How I never make decisions because I think I'm being "easy to get along with".  All things I have realized. So she gave me a chapter from a book to read as homework.  It was like reading my life.  I sat in the bathtub, engrossed in these 20 pages, feeling like someone was describing ME on paper.  Realizing so many more things about myself that I never realized. And of course it gave tips and examples at the end of how to break this cycle.  And I must say, defriending someone on Facebook and telling them how I really felt was liberating, and fell under par...

Fatal Attraction, that is the best way to describe it. You have crazy people then you have bunny boiling crazy people.   Sadly, a person who was at one time supposed to be one of my best friends has become the bunny boiler. It's over a man of course.  Isn't it always.  I was told the other day, "Dude, she's CRAZY jealous of you."  Well, apparently so.  I'm nothing to be jealous of.  I'm me.  I'm goofy.  Sometimes an airhead.  But now because someone has paid attention to me and not her, "I'll get what I deserve".  Only that came from her crazy ass fake FB profile she created.  I'm done, I'm over it and I'm watching my back.  And still trying to figure out how to get this freaking knife out of it.

I miss you! You know who you are. :)

It's hard to believe tomorrow (September 7) will mark the 20th anniversary of my grandfather's passing. He was a handsome man, incredibly smart and a veteran of WWII who received 2 purple hearts and a silver star. I was only 15 when he passed. I was very close to him, but wish I had been able to learn more about him. I have many wonderful memories of him from him driving me to school every day when I was in elementary school, the little songs he used to sing to us, his athletic shorts with dress socks and shoes, the list goes on and on. He was the first person to teach me how to use a computer. A Commodore 64. I also recall how difficult it was watching him deteriorate as his illness worsened to the point he became almost childlike. During the summer before he passed, I remember him randomly starting to cry and telling me to never use drugs. Or his dislike for the garden guy on tv. Or how he wanted a piece of the meatloaf my mom had made him, and I was such a dumb kid...

Agony is wanting what you can't have.

I always get a little melancholy when school starts back up. I'm not one of those parents who looks forward to it. Fact is, even though I work during the day, I miss all the time I get to spend with Barbie, Jr. when she's not in school. A new school year is another year closer to my baby girl growing up. I had a discussion with her dad today about how much she's changed and how she's adapted to the changes in her life with such ease. And what a good kid she is and how proud we are of her. But the whole discussion, and the fact that we managed to have a discussion, made me think about all the changes that have happened over the past year. I knew this time last year that 35 was going to be a life changing year for me. I didn't know why, I just felt it in my gut. And shortly after turning 35, is when my world began to change. I am a completely different woman than I was. I'm still the goofy, not so shy anymore, loud, silly, not afraid to be me woman ...

The heart wants what the heart wants. Seems always to be what you can't have.

Strength. A simple word, with a big meaning. Dictionary.com defines it as: the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor. mental power, force, or vigor. moral power, firmness, or courage. It's amazing what I have learned about myself over the past year. I have been through so much. And I will tell anyone who asks, it has made me a much stronger person. I never realized what strength I had until it was all I had to rely on. I've been hurt, and have been the one to hurt others. Oddly, the one person I regret hurting the most is the one person who needs my strength more than anything right now. I live by the belief, everything happens for a reason. I don't know. Maybe I am just rambling from lack of sleep. All I know is, I can't let him down again. And what scares me the most, "The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back." Sweet Home Alabama

Feelings you experience when you realize you made a mistake. The fear of having my heart broken caused me to let go of someone I now realize I deeply cared about. Combined with a controlling, abusive ex-husband who threatened harm if that person kept coming around. And now all I am left with is sadness in my heart. Why must I be so damn stubborn and afraid?

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of falling. I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of what's in it. I'm not afraid to love, I'm afraid of not being loved back. This quote sums it up so perfectly.

I'm really sad today and I don't know why. Of course breaking a tooth and smashing a deer with my car might be contributing, they aren't the main reasons. I just seem to feel so empty and alone right now. It all really hit me when I did hit the deer. I was already bummed about going home to an empty house, and when I hit the deer, my first instinct would have been to call asshat before, but I ended up calling my mom instead. I miss the companionship. Miss having that person to call on my way to work every morning. And I'm so proud of how far I've come in the past few months and how much all of this has changed me. So I would never want to be back where I was. I know or at least I hope I will find someone someday, but it's gonna be awfully lonely in the meantime.

Who has not just one, but two hot dates this weekend? Why yes, yes I do. Don't wait up!!!!

So here's the thing. Since we separated in October, I have lived solely on my income. My income which is half of what my ex-makes. And I have made it. I have had some help from my mom and sister, but mostly, I have made it on my income alone. He's given me $50 here and there but I haven't seen any child support. His claim, he was putting a roof over my head (he did make the house payment, which was half of what his child support is). Yeah, he did, but he still owed me. He's now a month behind. He was supposed to go on Friday to catch up but apparently told them "all he could pay" was $150. I know for a fact he just bought a new flat screen tv for $250. He went to Tennessee over Memorial Day weekend and is going on vacation the second week of July. He drinks like a fish and goes through over 10 cans of Copenhagen in a week. Not to mention gambling and anything else he spends his money on. On top of that a friend overheard him telling someone that h...