Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Big. Fat. Phooey.

I'm in one of those moods where I feel like the world is against me.  One where I feel panicked, like my breath is being taken from me.  It's been a really long time since I felt this way, in fact, I was probably married the last time I felt like that.  I just feel like I want to sit and cry.

Typically we try and find things to be thankful for in November.  I could name a million things I'm thankful for, and at the end of the day, even the things that are stressing me out right now are pretty minor.  I just feel like it's been one blow after another this month.  Pneumonia, asthma, flooding, vet bills, sick cats, broken dryers, broken wallet and now, my car is effed up.  All while trying to Christmas shop.  They'll let me buy things on my looks alone, right? Not that I'd get very far in that department with this rudolph nose, pale face and bags under my eyes from lack of sleep due to stress.

And now, the "girlfriend" has requested to talk to me.  I have no clue why, but it better be something stupid and not something (like my child) that is none of her business.

Not to mention, I'm really worried about Barbie Jr.  She seems quiet these days and gives me little to no insight on what's going on in her mind.  On top of it all, I've convinced myself I caused Dolly's back injury when I gave her a bath at the beginning of the month.  It was after that when she started to have problems.  It makes me physically ill to think I may have been the cause of it.

I feel like I want to just crawl in a hole and stay there.  Or hibernate for the winter.  A bubble bath would be great but I don't have any fucking clean towels because my dryer is broke and I haven't made it to the laundromat because oh, it costs a lot of quarters, which I haven't had.

Big. Fat. Phooey!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

We all have ability. The difference is how we use it. --Stevie Wonder

So, things have started to look up for Barbie Girl.  In the past 10 days I've logged about 6 or 7 hours in at the vet's office.  I've had a wonderful Thanksgiving, with my family. And I've been reminded of how blessed I am.

This time last week, if you had told me Miss Dolly would still be with us, I would have thought you were crazy. I feel like I know the people at the veterinarian's office by now.  And they are wonderful, caring people.  After thinking it could be a multitude of things, turns out, Dolly has severe arthritis in her back and hips. Right  now it's being treated with steroids and pain meds.  And of course, I'm faced with the reality that at some point, these medications may not work and I may have to make that one big decision I dread. But I will not dwell on that, I will simply enjoy the time I have with her.  

She has mellowed some.  Marco has taken to laying with her on the blanket, mainly because she no longer hisses or growls at him.  She's been more mobile this evening, moving around the living room, whereas, she's mostly laid (or is it layed) on her makeshift bed for the past week.  So I've been very pleased with her progress.  The vet was too.  

Thanksgiving was great. Lots of inappropriate conversation between me, my mom, my sis and my niece at the dinner table.  Lots of laughs throughout the evening.  The weekend was pretty good too.  Movies and pottery with 2 of my favorite kids, who always cheer me up.  Yeah, I'm pretty blessed.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Guess I must be wishing on someone else's star...

The month of November has been difficult.  Not nearly as difficult as the beginning of the year, but still difficult nonetheless.  Started out with Barbie, Jr. being pretty ill, the office flooding and now, Dolly (the cat) isn't doing well.  Oh, and add the "holidays" coming up, and you have one pretty bummed out Barbie Girl.

I will be honest, I thought by now I would have found someone, and maybe even someone I could take with me to family functions during the holidays.  Seems as though that isn't going to happen.  I seem to be having a rough time with the holidays yet again this year.  I've had many reminders the past few weeks that I am indeed a "single mom".  I can't get the cover back on the light hanging on the ceiling in the hallway.  During Savannah's illness, only ONE person asked if they could do anything, bring me food, etc.  And that was a friend.  Her own father didn't even ask if she needed anything, and he's trying to argue with me over having to pay half her medical expenses.  As if that is a big surprise.  Then I got sick and had no one.  As I got better Dolly started to get sick.  I spent 3 1/2 hours in the vets office yesterday, alone, my 13 year old cats fate unknown.  And I longed for someone to be there with me to console me or to tell me it would be okay.  But I didn't have that.  All reminders of the fact that while I have family, I still don't have that other part that makes me whole.  

I'm in a way better place emotionally this year than I was last, but still, it's difficult.  I long for companionship again.  Someone who can take one look at me and know I need a hug.  Someone to hold my hand when I have to take my sick kitty to the vet.  Yeah, yeah, I've heard all the someone will come along when the time is right bullshit.  I just have to wonder, what is so wrong with me that no one wants me?  What is so flawed about me that I'm still alone?

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Shhhh brain, I'm trying to sleep

It seems as though we are on the upswing of the Barbie, Jr. illness which developed into pneumonia.  Fingers crossed she continues to get better rather than get worse.  Today has been her first good day in nearly a week. She is still pale but has a little more color in her face than she did a few days ago.

Needless to say, I've been exhausted.  To the point of being weepy even.  At night when I would try and rest my brain wouldn't shut down.  Of course by the time I hit the point I thought just maybe sleep was an option, her fever would spike, she would cough and wheeze and I'd end up staying awake to watch over her.  Not a complaint by any means, I wouldn't have it any other way.  

I will say, I do give big kudos to Ex-Ken.  He's been a real trooper through it all especially since she missed her weekend with him and her overnight tonight.  He's been very understanding and patient and I'm sure he does miss her, I know she misses him.  But he understands and appreciates that she mostly wants her mommy when she's sick.  

I couldn't figure out why my brain would whirl.  I would lay in bed consumed with thoughts of the past year.  What was happening this time last year.  How I spent the holidays last year so sad.  Conversations that were had.  Tears that were cried.  And I just couldn't make it STOP.  It was confusing.  At first I blamed the steroids I'm on.  But it finally hit me, this is the first time Barbie, Jr. has been this sick that I essentially had to do it alone.      And again, I'm not complaining, just reflecting.  Pre-divorce, in the old house, when she would get sick, I was able to rely on ex-Ken.  We lived right on his route for his job, so in the middle of the night if I needed something, he could drop it off.  I was close to everything so getting someone to drop something off to me wasn't a problem. While he often took her being sick as time to do whatever the hell he pleased once he got off work, I will say, I realize now he did help out some.  So this was the first time I had to completely do it alone.  

I was glad I came to that conclusion, as it was so confusing to me.  I love my new life so I wasn't sure if I was longing for my old.  Thankfully I wasn't.  I was simply reminded again of how strong I've grown over the past year.

Saturday, November 05, 2011

One of those nights..

I'm exhausted.  I've had a headache for 4 days that won't seem to go away despite tons of Excedrin, Motrin and Aleve.  No, not truly tons, not all at the same time.  Thinking maybe I have been dehydrated, I've been drinking plenty of water.  Nothing.  This damn headache won't leave.

The worst part being, my baby girl is now sick.  Going on day three.  Fever, cough, aches, etc.  A virus they say.  But you feel so helpless when you can't really do anything to make the misery go away.  Of course plenty of TLC helps, but that only goes so far.

It's one of the few times I wish someone else were here with me.  As a mother, naturally I get worried when my child is sick.  It would be nice to have someone here who could hug me and tell me it will all be okay.  Someone who would hold me and let me cry out of sheer exhaustion and frustration.   Tonight is one of those nights I miss that part of a relationship.  It's that missing link I hope to find again someday.  If not, that's okay too, I know I'm strong, I'm just feeling rather weak right now.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Self-esteem and all that jazz

I realized that I went on a first date for the first time since I've been dating again (okay, so I've had maybe 3 first dates?) that my nerves were due to normal first date jitters, not because I thought he would take one look at me and want to run the other way.  

My other dates I truly, deep down, stressed about that.  I would think, he's going to see me and run.  And I believed that.  It is heartbreaking to me, that I thought so little of myself to even think that way.  On the other hand, I'm thankful I have finally found my place where I have more confidence, more self-esteem.  Sure I stressed over the fact that my hair wouldn't cooperate, but I didn't have that fear, that little voice inside that told me, "You are fat and ugly.  Why would anyone want you?  He's going to look at you and run."  The only voice I heard was the one telling me to just be myself and I would be fine.  And I was.

I'll never be skinny again.  I'll never be the prettiest girl.  But I'll always be me.  There's not another person on this earth like me.