Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Panic. Sadness. Hurt.

Feelings you experience when you realize you made a mistake.

The fear of having my heart broken caused me to let go of someone I now realize I deeply cared about. Combined with a controlling, abusive ex-husband who threatened harm if that person kept coming around. And now all I am left with is sadness in my heart. Why must I be so damn stubborn and afraid?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Fears...

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of falling. I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of what's in it. I'm not afraid to love, I'm afraid of not being loved back.



This quote sums it up so perfectly.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Sadness

I'm really sad today and I don't know why. Of course breaking a tooth and smashing a deer with my car might be contributing, they aren't the main reasons. I just seem to feel so empty and alone right now. It all really hit me when I did hit the deer. I was already bummed about going home to an empty house, and when I hit the deer, my first instinct would have been to call asshat before, but I ended up calling my mom instead. I miss the companionship. Miss having that person to call on my way to work every morning. And I'm so proud of how far I've come in the past few months and how much all of this has changed me. So I would never want to be back where I was. I know or at least I hope I will find someone someday, but it's gonna be awfully lonely in the meantime.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Who me???

Who has not just one, but two hot dates this weekend? Why yes, yes I do. Don't wait up!!!!

But it's all I have

So here's the thing. Since we separated in October, I have lived solely on my income. My income which is half of what my ex-makes. And I have made it. I have had some help from my mom and sister, but mostly, I have made it on my income alone. He's given me $50 here and there but I haven't seen any child support. His claim, he was putting a roof over my head (he did make the house payment, which was half of what his child support is). Yeah, he did, but he still owed me.

He's now a month behind. He was supposed to go on Friday to catch up but apparently told them "all he could pay" was $150. I know for a fact he just bought a new flat screen tv for $250. He went to Tennessee over Memorial Day weekend and is going on vacation the second week of July. He drinks like a fish and goes through over 10 cans of Copenhagen in a week. Not to mention gambling and anything else he spends his money on.

On top of that a friend overheard him telling someone that his "fucking bitch of an ex-wife" won't leave him alone, can't keep her mouth shut and is causing him trouble. Okay, for one, the only times I have contacted him has been when it is regarding our daughter. So I am guessing the fact that I threw a fit over him sharing a bed with his girlfriend around our daughter and leaving him the porn he left on the porch that he pretended to be mine is how I am causing him trouble. Combined with the fact that he can't get the visitation schedule straight which he turns around on me to make it look like I am keeping her from him. Um, it's in black and white, read it.

And of course he can't get his nose out of his girlfriends ass long enough to call his child half the time. Or he claims his phone isn't working, yet people see him texting and talking on it. I go out of my way to try and be accommodating to him. And when she comes back from visits with him, she's moody, smart mouthed and all she talks about is his girlfriend. So basically he lets her care for our daughter during his time.

I have known for a long time how he was, I knew he was selfish when it came to anything, but I never thought he would do our daughter this way.

Monday, June 13, 2011

SInging the blues

I'm having a mopey kinda day. My ear is hurting, yet nobody knows why. The doctor couldn't figure it out. My blood pressure is up. I feel like hell. But I did lose 12 pounds (silver lining???).

I saw him and his woman out driving this evening. I wanted to barf. Not out of jealousy, but because here I was alone. I felt like a loser because I have nobody. I'm sure he eats it up that I am alone and he's got a girlfriend.

I suck at dating. I can't find it in me to be forward enough to ask someone out. The few people who act interested run for the hills. What am I doing wrong? And technology today makes things SO much WORSE. It used to be you sat by the phone waiting on him to call. Now you check your phone for missed calls, texts, check your facebook and your e-mail. It's agony. I just want someone who will come over and watch a movie with me, or just hang out. I can't even find that.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Some things I've realized...

I go through the moments where I'm bitter, and angry, and jealous that asshat has someone to spend his time with. But at the end of the day, I realize I am the one who is lucky! I am the one who has a wonderful, supportive family and wonderful, true, real, amazing friends who would do anything for me. And he doesn't have that. So in the end, I win. Because my true friendships will outlast any relationship he ever has.

Friday, June 03, 2011

I hear.....

All I can hear is the hum of the a/c and an occasional sound from one of the 3 pets. Barbie, Jr. is with her dad and I'm home alone.

The alone part is what is so hard. I like my alone time, but then again, I wouldn't mine having someone to talk to. I can log onto Facebook at any given minute and end up with some ridiculous post that gets a hundred comments, but it isn't the same. Phone conversations to maybe discuss what we've been through? Someone to hang out on the couch with and watch tv. Go to a movie with. I don't want to plan a wedding or move anyone in. I just want someone I know I can pick up the phone and call and who will be there for me.

Today was really hard. This week I have met Asshat's new girlfriend. When we met, she seemed unfriendly. I chalked it up to him convincing her I was the devil and only telling her horrible awful things about me that were untrue. She called me today and apologized. Said it caught her off guard, and she wants us to be able to get along since we will probably be seeing more of each other now. She won some major brownie points with me. Of course part of me wanted to scream, what the hell are you doing with him anyway?? You seem like a good person. But I didn't. Either she will be good for him, or she will figure him out and run far away.

So she was with him when we met to exchange Barbie Jr. Afterwards they went inside of Wendy's to get something to eat. That's the moment it began to sting. I was sitting in my car and look over and there goes the three of them into Wendy's and she and Barbie Jr. are laughing over something. I won't lie, it hurt. It hurt seeing the three of them walking in, so happy. Because I knew I was going home to be alone.

I know this alone time is for the best right now, but in the back of my head I think I am going to end up alone. I continue to get shot down when it comes to my dating endeavors. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I was the one who was flawed, not him.