There's no crying at work.

My attitude has not improved since two nights ago. It maybe improved briefly but has returned to the sadness. I've spent the day at work fighting the urge to sit at my desk and sob or throw things and scream. In the grand scheme of things, I KNOW I have so much to be thankful for. I remind myself of this multiple times a day. But I also know how real my depression is. And no matter how much therapy, what medication I take or what I do, it will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.

I envy happy people. I have become the greatest actress at faking happiness. I realize I don't need *someone* to be happy. I like my alone time, I like not having someone in my space at all times, but as I said in my last blog, I miss companionship. I miss the friendship. I miss having someone to call mine. I miss inside jokes. I miss secrets. I miss having someone to love.

Comments

Steven Allen Adams said…

I wish I had some words to offer.

9:28 AM

Barbie Girl said…

Thank you! Getting it off my chest helps.

1:59 PM

Look What the Cat Dragged In

It's been a hot minute huh? 1,312 days to be exact. Yes, I gave it a goog. I've been back several times but words escaped me. Nothing would come out. I was in a bad place for a long time. But after a whole lot of patience, many prayers, and the support of my family and friends, I made it. And it's worked out well for all of us. We moved early this year into a cute little house. Just me and my kids. My little guy, we will call him Felix, he's happier and has been a champ with the change. He gets the best of both worlds. Barbie Jr, she's been a Godsend. I don't know what I would have done without her. There have been differences in ending a relationship vs. divorce (obviously). Ins and outs. But this time around, I can actually say Felix's father and I are doing pretty well at this co-parenting thing. Which is an odd situation for me given what I went through with Ken. But even that part is going well. Barbie Jr. graduated from high school in M

Kindness goes a long way

My last post was about how I refused to be irrelevant. I posted it the day before my 42nd birthday. It was and is a phrase that has stuck with me. I haven't blogged since, although I have been planning to. So months later, here On my birthday I received an anonymous gift of a beautiful Edible Arrangement with the attached card: I want whoever you are to know, I carry this with me in my wallet every single day. I have a few special things that I keep with me always, a drawing Savannah did, a poem she wrote me to tell me everything would be fine when her dad and I were in an ugly custody battle, and now this. Whoever you are, your kind gesture holds a spot among the most treasured things I carry with me day in and day out. I take it out when I am having an especially down day to remind myself that I do matter. That I am relevant. Yesterday was one of those days. I was feeling down, unloved, unappreciated, so I took the note out and read it. And through my tears of frustr

I refuse to be irrelevant.

After insisting to my friends at work that I had *tried* to watch "Grace and Frankie" I discovered that I lied. I had watched maybe 15 minutes of the show. So I gave it a second chance. I'm about halfway through the first season and something the character Grace said hit me like a ton of bricks. "I refuse to be irrelevant." I. Refuse. To. Be. Irrelevant. To me it is a powerful statement. And one I need to relate to more. Because I can so related to feeling irrelevant these days. I feel like I don't matter. I mean of course, there are people I matter to, and others who make me feel irrelevant. Who make me feel like my presence doesn't matter. And I blame myself. Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't even care. I've always been all woohoo, my birthday is coming up. This year? I could care less. It's a Tuesday. I have zero expectations. I'm sure people on Facebook will wish me happy birthday, but otherwise, it just feels l

Step Away From The Barbies

Search This Blog