Ken 2.0 and I broke up today. It's sad but at the same time necessary. This is a statement which goes out to all potential future mates. First and foremost, I am a mother. My child comes first in my life. I do not randomly leave my child places willy nilly so I can go have fun, especially when I only get her every other week now. When you have a child, things happen that are beyond your control. And if you can't understand this then I suggest you move along. My first responsibility is to do the best I can in raising my daughter.
It's pretty harsh when you already feel ignored and you realize you are officially less important than the scores of whatever sports being played for the day.
But it's okay. It's good to know where you stand.
Some days I know everything will be okay, some days I have to convince myself of this. Today is one of the days I know everything will be okay but at the same time, I'm just disillusioned with life.
I have this blasè attitude about it all. Probably the wrong way to feel, but it beats investing tons of emotion in something. I guess you could say my give a damn's busted.
It's so bad that I'm actually looking forward to be out of town the next few days for work because it means I won't spend my evenings lonely. And I'll get to interact with other adult people and have fun. And I don't even care that I'll be there for my birthday. But I will be sad to miss my Wednesday with my girl!
It's funny. If you had told me this time last week that things would calm down for me this week, I wouldn't have believed you. It's hard to believe how much things can change in less than a week. Not huge, life-changing events, but things small enough that they make you do realize that everything happens for a reason.
For one, I'm moving to a smaller, more affordable house. Same landlord, keep my pets, etc. It's nice when you realize how much people really are looking out for you. It's so touching. I really am blessed and thankful for the people in my life.
Second, I broke down and sold my old Boopmobile. It was a bittersweet moment. But part of me feels like it is just another step in letting go of my past. That car holds a lot of memories, happy and sad. It was time to let it go.
So the next two weeks shall be busy. The thought of getting packed in move in the next 14 days overwhelms me, but I'll get it done.
It goes without saying, given the tone of my blog that I've been struggling. Big time. Mentally and physically. With every aspect of life. My personal life, my finances, my work, my friendships, you name it. And this is where I come to whine.
Today was started off with health issues. Ended up at urgent care, getting a shot in the butt by a handsome twentysomething guy (Um, I almost died of embarrassment) and a prescription for steroids and antibiotics. My cold/sinus madness turned into a sinus infection and bronchitis which made my asthma haywire. The butt shot and steroids I started this evening have kicked in. I can breathe better and am now wound the heck up. I've been on a cleaning spree and have to remind myself to not overdo it. Consider this my break.
Amidst all the other crap I'm dealing with, my car now decides to change it's relationship status with me from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated". The check engine light is flashing, it's going *cough, cough* and every stoplight I hit tonight I prayed it would go again. So at this point it's deciding what to do. Get my old car fixed and legal? Repair this (which would most likely cost more) and pray it works? I've had it in the shop 3 times since hitting the deer in 2011 so I'm thinking it may be to bring the Boopmobile back to life. All of the above, requiring the funds to do so. *blank stare*
So to whoever anonymously posted a life vest would be nice, you hit the nail on the head. I've got a few things going that could possibly end up well, but in the meantime, that life vest would be nice to cling to as the Good Ship Barbie Girl slowly sinks!
I actually got the line "I refuse to sink" off a picture of a tattoo on Facebook. But it's fitting for the way I feel right now. I feel like I'm sinking, sinking, sinking. Financially, mentally, physically, emotionally, any way possible.
The financial issues are probably the stem of all the other issues. I don't know how many people have told me, just don't worry, God will provide. I'm a Christian, but I suspect when the day comes that they come to shut off my electric or cable or water that they are going to want cold hard cash, not a sermon. And forgive me, I don't mean to mock God but I'm just cynical right now.
The weeks I have Barbie, Jr. are pretty good, aside from last week when we were sick. But she keeps me busy, she keeps me sane. The weeks like this, when she's gone I'm lost, lonesome, sad.
I'm tired of being a doormat. Someone's last thought. Their option. Tired of not standing up for myself whether it be at work when I'm overwhelmed or when I'm feeling forgotten. I'm just tired. But I'll take a break and keep swimming because I refuse to sink.
I am crazy. I am crafty. I love my family and I love my friends. I hate to clean. I hate to cook. I get way too caught up in TV. I have quite an imagination. I daydream a lot. I like to pretend I can sing well. But I can't. I often feel like my life is a Lifetime movie. I have a daughter and a son who are the center of my universe. I have a small zoo.
At the end of the day I am happy, crazy, kooky, goofy and humble. I am thankful for the experiences I have had, good and bad. They have shaped me into who I am today.