Monday, November 25, 2013

Barbie's land of happy, and blessed, and happy

I don't know where to start.  As I stated, I'm happy.  Very happy. But it's not just about finding someone.  It's about all the things.  Rekindling my relationship with God. (okay, so maybe it IS about finding someone) Letting go of years of bitterness and anger and resentment.  Spending the past year with someone who brick by brick has singlehandedly brought down the walls I had built up around my heart.  Finding inspiration at church again.

Tuesday I leave with my fella on a trip overnight to visit his parents.  I'm meeting the parents.  It's been 19 years and 8 months since I met parents.  I'm a nervous wreck, but I was 18 the last time I met parents so I have to be less awkward now than I was then, right?  I'm excited at the same time.

Since returning to church and finding my faith again, I've noticed many things.  For one, I am happier.  I find that I am more understanding and tolerant of people.  I find that I want to be a better person. I find things falling slowly in place for me. Little things here and there.

I'm excited about what the future holds for once in my life.  Being the week of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for many things.  Thankful for my family.  The amazing friends I have. That my fella was patient and stuck around.  That I've regained faith.  I could go on and on, but those are the main things.  Hope you have many things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving as well.

Monday, November 11, 2013

It's okay to be not okay, but I'm okay.

But really, I am okay!  Clearly, if you are reading this, you think I am confused.  And clearly, if you are reading this, then you probably know me and you KNOW I am always confused.  But it's okay.

As usual, my life consists of a whole pile of chaos.  And that's okay too.  I always have some random, bizarre ongoing in my life and I've accepted that. But the more I move forward, the more the fog lifts and the more I realize that despite the randomness, despite the battles, I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  I'm growing more and more content with each passing day.

Yesterday I would consider one of my top ten days of my adult life.  It was a simple, perfect day from start to finish.  You probably expect some big spectacular story but it wasn't that.  It consisted of going to church with my mother, spending the afternoon with her, my nephew and my dad, continuing that time into late evening, cooking for my nephew and I, and my boyfriend hanging out with us at mom and dad's house watching TV.  Yes, Barbie, Jr. was missing from that equation but it was still a simple, perfect day, full of happiness and memories.

It wasn't about any one thing, it was about the feeling of happiness I felt in my heart.  Something I forgot I could even feel.  Just carefree.  Just sitting and laughing and crocheting (yes, I did THAT in front of my boyfriend) and being with the people I care about the most.  THAT is what makes me happy.  Just being.

It was a really troubling week for me at work.  I could go into detail but I'll leave it at being extremely burnt out, exhausted and being somewhere that I know I am not wanted. And somewhere I'm likely to be dismissed from soon.  It's a horrible, uneasy feeling.  And it's led to me thinking a WHOLE lot the past few weeks.  And led me to one realization, I've completely lost my faith in God.

There's no clear reason why it all led to that one realization.  It's a combination of where my life is now compared to three years ago.  How I completely turned away from church and ran towards my demons with open arms.  I consumed myself with why me, why can't I be happy, why are bad things always happening to me.  I focused on the negative and when things did start going well I would shove them away in an effort to protect myself.  To protect my heart.  I don't know the exact moment that changed or what happened. I know it was around my birthday.  I'd gone out with friends, had a rough night and I remember thinking, this is so stupid.  I don't want to do this anymore.  And there sits this fella, patient, sweet and kind.  And he's stood by me for a year through my craziness and he's still here. And it was time to admit, I really and truly cared about him.  And the thought of not having him, scared the hell out of me. And I realized how lucky I was to have him and I finally allowed myself to admit, I love him. Have I told him this? OH heck no. Well, not yet anyway.

And so once I allowed myself to feel again, the calm crept in.  The contentment.  The peace.  Sure I still have my struggles, I just face them a little different now.  But there was still that one area that something didn't feel quite right.  It felt a little lost.  And with the work turmoil over the past few weeks I was hit with that realization that I had lost my faith in God.  Attending church again is something I've talked about doing for a while now.  I grew up in a Methodist church and have tried out a few other churches here and there.  I kept saying I'd go to this one or that one, but I never did.  A few months back, the church I grew up in welcomed a new Pastor.  I've seen many in my 38 years. I have had great respect for each and every one of them.  So a week ago, I attended my old church for the first time in a long time.  I cannot even begin to describe the feeling I felt when I saw the joy on people's faces upon seeing us re-enter that church. I got more hugs than I could count that day.  It was the most awesome feeling and the new Pastor?  I truly believe God sent him to us.

SO I was eager to go back to church yesterday.  In 38 years, I can never recall weeping during a church service.  Until yesterday.  It was a beautiful service and paid tribute to our great Veteran's.  And that was touching.  But the sermon?  Was about faith.  The one thing I've spent the past few weeks talking to God about, praying about, desperately searching for.  And the things Pastor Tom said, were things that had gone through my mind.  And it was like God had led him to deliver that sermon just to me.  I was almost speechless afterwards. My voice quivered as I told my mom how moved I was, and how that was the one thing I've been struggling with.  And I felt a weight lift off my shoulders because I know, whatever happens in my life is being led by God. Whatever happens at work, I'm at peace with.  I was reminded that God will not let me down.  And that set the tone of my perfect day.

Friday, November 01, 2013

Did someone say nuts?

Over the past 3 years my life has been a constant roller coaster.  3 years ago I was this sad, miserable, insecure separated woman who was terrified.  Things got worse, then much worse, then better.  Then worse again, well, you get the picture.

I still have ongoing battles, but the good by far outweighs the bad.  My Barbie Jr. is doing well, is settled into our routine, and seems to look forward to seeing her dad.  I have for once focused on me, trying to get healthy.  No, I don't bust my ass in the gym 4 and 5 days a week every single week, but even on the weeks I only get there once or twice, it's still more than I was doing a year ago.  I feel better.  My outlook on life is better.  It's taking time and I'm being patient.  I didn't gain weight and become a ticking time bomb of health overnight and I'm not going to fix it overnight.  Aside from a few issues I feel good mostly.  I have my moody days but that's normal.  I've found my calm.

I am reminded every single day at what amazing and wonderful people I'm surrounded by.  People that love me, support me, cheer me on and are by my side.  One of my best friends and I have taken on project "awesome us".  It's a reminder that we ARE fabulous bitches and anyone who can't see that doesn't need to be a part of our lives.  It's about learning to love ourselves first.  And it's working.

In the midst of all this I woke up one morning during the whole OMG I'm getting old post (See my Kicking and Screaming post) and finally admitted to myself that not only do I have feelings for this fella I've spent most of the past year with, but that I can't be without him.  And that he's pretty damn special.  Barbie Jr. loves him, my family loves him and I am pretty smitten myself.  And yeah, it was just like that.  I've had the overly mushy, put on a show for others guy and frankly I'd still like to kick him in the groin. And I've had the clinger who has to be like an octopus on my out in public.  And I didn't like those guys.  I like my fella who keeps me on my toes.  Surprising me every now and then with true, genuine, gestures.  It's the little things like the two of us sitting on my porch, having a beer, talking or him being glad to be a part of my life.

So in a nutshell my life is pretty amazing. Everyone said it would happen, I just chose not to believe.