Sunday, May 19, 2013

Grizzly bears, families, exercise and other ramblings.

It's been a pretty good weekend.  For one, I got my haircut which ALWAYS makes the world a better place AND I got bangs.  I got to spend it with Barbie Jr., my mom and my nephew.  We got my yard mowed so now my neighbors no longer hate me.  And I hopped on the scales at my parents house and I had lost 4 pounds. And we went to the zoo.

The whole Zoo experience was weird.  The travel part brought up so many memories from relationships past.  Memories from when I was dating Ken as well as memories of relationships since my divorce. It was bittersweet.  Of course I always love the zoo. The part that made me sad was encountering the families.  The moms and dads and their kids.  It made me sad because Barbie, Jr. never got to experience that.  I wonder if she has any memories of things we did as a family because I know I don't.  Usually when we went somewhere like that it was the two of us. And it makes me sad.  It makes me feel like a failure as a parent. Like her dad and I have robbed her of this.  And it made me sad because I long to be part of a happy family.  A mom, a dad/step-dad and the kids.  I long to be part of a relationship where we can plan to go somewhere for the day and take Barbie, Jr. and his kids if he had any. Maybe someday.

I officially start my weight loss venture tomorrow.  I've been informally watching what I eat since joining Weight Watchers but not counting points.  Tomorrow begins the points. I'm pretty excited.  I've been on pinterest, pinning exercises,  motivational posters and other tips like crazy. The 4 pound weight loss has been a huge help.  Showing me simple things like drinking mostly water can really help.  I've also decided to try and cut out as much artificial sweetener as I can.  I'd like to phase out soda but I'm taking baby steps.  I've switched to Diet Coke with Splenda and to putting Splenda in my iced tea as opposed to sweet n low. My plan is to drink as much water as I can during the day and allowing myself one soda and/or iced tea. I can do this, I need to do this and I will do this.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Baby Steps

So here we go.  In my depression/anxiety/etc. over the past few weeks I have done a LOT of thinking.  Scary I know.  And since injuring my ankle, one thing has happened.  I've gained weight.

If anyone still reads my blog that was around for the early Barbie Girl days, you may recall that my weight has been something I've struggled with for years.  And since hurting my foot a month ago, I've gained even more.  Not to mention, along with depression I eat.  And I eat like crap.  Not to mention the fact that I ALWAYS seem to eat like crap.  All a bad combination.

In the past 6 months I've lost 2 friends to colon cancer.  Last summer, an old friend of mine dropped dead at the age of 37 (my age) of a heart attack. Yesterday, a dear friend was admitted to the hospital due to having a stroke.  She's 29. All unrelated things but all frightening. And maybe none avoidable, but the point being, it's been a real eye opener.

Bear with me, there is a point to this whole post.

When I went to the doctor last week, I weighed more than I ever have, aside from when I was pregnant with Barbie Jr. And I haven't. Stopped. Thinking. About. That. Number.  I'm disgusted.  I'm angry at myself. And after thinking about the above eye-opening events I came to one conclusion. My weight is nothing but pure laziness, plain and simple. I've come to the point where I eat and I don't give two shits that what I'm putting in my mouth isn't good for me.  I don't bat an eyelash at devouring ice cream like there's no tomorrow. And another thing I've realized, it's really taking a toll on my body.  My knees hurt, my asthma is worse, and I'm certain that has contributed to my foot not healing well. I want to sleep all the time.  It's not healthy.

So after having my meltdown this morning which led to me taking a Xanax at my co-worker's request I had a little talk to myself.  There's no waiting until next week.  There's no waiting for this or that. I'm doing it today. And so I left work and headed to Weight Watchers and joined.  Yes, I have joined before.  Yes, I failed miserably.  And yes I always say, but I'm gonna do it this time.  But this time, it's happening.  I have a beach trip in 6 weeks and a 20th year high school reunion in 2 months.  No, I don't expect a miracle between now and then, but I'm hoping to be well on the road to healthy by then.  And I don't want to lose weight and become skinny, I just want to be healthy. I just want to feel good. I just want to have energy again. I just want to live.

Another contributing factor is a friend of mine Mrs Smart Ass. And I hope she doesn't mind that I called her out.  She has been such an inspiration to me.  So far she has lost over 100 pounds and still going full force.  She is an amazing woman, amazing wife, amazing mother and I'm blessed to have her as a friend.

So it's gonna take baby steps but I can do this.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Delia Bedelia

I spend so much time focusing on everything wrong and whining and complaining. So I'm gonna shake things up a bit and focus on good things.  First and foremost, as of today, Barbie, Jr. will be back with me full time until next school year rolls around.  Words cannot express my excitement.  And it somewhat comes as a surprise because I believed when we went to court last August the alternating weeks was forever.  Turns out, just for the school year.  I'll take it.

So now, my Delia pup.  Delia is my latest foster dog.  Very rarely do we know backstories on the dogs, so all I know is she'd been at the shelter for a long time. She was fully sponsored which meant someone had already donated the amount it would cost to adopt her. I went back through old shelter photos and it looks like she may have been there since around November, maybe even before that.  That's all I knew about her when I agreed to take her, although I had seen a picture of her.

I wasn't quite prepared for such an active dog.  She was the first one I came upon that evening at the shelter.  My nephew and I went to volunteer to walk dogs and were taking her home with us so I could foster her.  I could tell she was an active pup. I could tell she longed for attention.  After we were done walking dogs I told the girl I was ready for Delia.  She looked at me surprised, thinking I was going to walk her then I explained I was taking her to foster.  She was excited, told me she'd been there for so long and warned me about how crazy she was.

I swear, I think the minute she cleared my front door she ran around in circles.  I let her into my back yard and she took off running.  And I couldn't help but tear up.  This precious dog, who has spent most of her life in a cage, had probably never felt so free.  She ran laps around my yard, her ears flying back, her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth.  It's the moments like that one that reminds me of why I do this.

Since then, she has calmed down some.  She's become my cuddle buddy, snuggling up to me at night.  She's still very excited and very animated.  She can't understand why the cats don't want to play.  She still takes off running around the yard at full speed.  She snores like a man.  And she's happy.

She's curled up against me as I type this, starting to snore, running in her sleep. In just a few days I will bid her farewell and I will cry, like always, like I've just lost my best friend.  And I'll swear I'm never doing this again. But I know I will.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Does anyone else see that elephant in the room?

So yeah, there's an elephant in the room. In my world it's a pink elephant.  And everyone seems to be shouting over it not acknowledging it.  But there will come a time you can't ignore it any longer.

Today's elephant? My current relationship or lack thereof.  In recent months I have been in a so-called relationship. One that went from multiple texts and a phone call each day to an occasional text every few days.  It's been over a week since we spoke on the phone and since we've seen one another. And since it doesn't seem he's open to meeting Barbie, Jr. it will be even longer since the potential to see one another will happen.

So there comes a point when someone needs to step up and call the other person out.  And like always it's gonna be me.  I'm sorry, but I'm not okay with this "relationship". I'm not okay with getting to spend a couple hours here and there with someone and calling it a relationship.  I call that bullshit.  I call that, you have something else going on somewhere and I'm just a fill in.  And damnit, I deserve better than that.

He knows I've been struggling with my depression the past few weeks.  Maybe that's what has pushed him away.  Which brings another point, I don't need that.  I need someone who will stick by me when my depression rears its ugly head. Who will hold my hand through it and remind me that everything will be okay. Maybe that's not out there. Maybe I'll never find that.  Maybe I'm delusional but I don't think I expect too much out of a relationship.

So it's time to call him out on the elephant I think and finalize this bad boy. When Tuesday rolls around, I become a full time mommy again and ain't nobody got time for that nonsense.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Out of the rabbit hole

Slowly but surely, I'm crawling out of my funk.  Things are starting to look up. And once I get my haircut next weekend, I'll be ready to take on the world. Okay, maybe not, but I will feel better.

And I lied.  I've been thinking about my blog post where I said I wasn't passionate about anything.  And that isn't true.  Aside from being passionate about being a good mother, I'm passionate about animals.  I'm big into volunteering and working with rescue organizations to try and save as many dogs as I possibly can.  Barbie Jr. and I often foster dogs for weeks at a time, giving them love, roof over their heads and tlc until they can move on to their new home. We are currently on our 5th or 6th foster. Each dog has had its own personality.  Our foster right now, Delia, has spent most of her life in the cage at the shelter.  She craves and gets tons of attention.  It's not much, but it's something.  I love animals and they usually love me.  I think I missed my calling.  If this paralegal thing doesn't work out maybe I could go to work at a vet's office.

We also have taken on the task of writing letters to soldiers.  I would love to be in the financial position to send care packages but I just can't.  So we have joined up with a group called Soldier's Angels and get 2 names a week to write letters to. We can at least let them know we appreciate their sacrifices.

So yeah, I do find passion in some things. But sometimes, when everything seems so dark, it's difficult to remember that.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go cuddle with my zoo.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

No more Mister Nice Girl

Clearly I realize the title of this blog is incorrect but it made me laugh.  So I've been reading this book that Big Sister Barbie bought for me over the weekend.  It's about how to break out of the "nice girl syndrome".  She didn't pick it out for me, I picked it out and she said, "You need this.  I'm buying it for you." And wow, it really hits home. I can relate to so much in that book.

For instance, I'm finding I become too nice when it comes to relationships.  And the result is Barbie Girl = doormat. I don't think it's too much to ask for a little attention.  I don't think it's too much to ask for the occasional night out on the town.  I don't think it is too much to ask to just hold me for a little while rather than spend a token 2 hours with me and then rush off.  It's my choices most likely.  And my not standing up for what I deserve.

So for future reference, here's what I want out of a relationship:

  1. respect
  2. my daughter comes first
  3. an occasional night out
  4. someone who is employed
  5. no control freaks
  6. someone who will spend time with me, but also has their own life
  7. no abusive men
  8. someone who accepts me for me, depression and all
  9. someone who understands I'm close to my family
  10. someone who makes me smile
I don't think it's too much to ask for, is it?

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

There's no crying at work.

My attitude has not improved since two nights ago. It maybe improved briefly but has returned to the sadness. I've spent the day at work fighting the urge to sit at my desk and sob or throw things and scream.  In the grand scheme of things, I KNOW I have so much to be thankful for. I remind myself of this multiple times a day. But I also know how real my depression is. And no matter how much therapy, what medication I take or what I do, it will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.

I envy happy people. I have become the greatest actress at faking happiness. I realize I don't need *someone* to be happy.  I like my alone time, I like not having someone in my space at all times, but as I said in my last blog, I miss companionship.  I miss the friendship.  I miss having someone to call mine.  I miss inside jokes. I miss secrets. I miss having someone to love.