Friday, October 21, 2011

Death leaves a heartache....

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal and memories no one can steal."

It's hard to believe it has been 7 years since we lost my granny.  For some reason, this year is especially hard on me.  Because of all we've been through?  Maybe.  Because I know she would be proud of me?  Absolutely.    

I dreamt of her night before last.  She was on her porch and I was driving by.  I was ashamed because in my dream it had been over a year since I had been to visit her.  All I know is I'd give just about anything to hear her laugh again, to see her smile and for a hug from her.  I miss her so much.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

If you can't take the heat....

I'm very proud of myself.  In all this self-transformation, the one thing I have finally realized is, it's okay to stand up for yourself.  In my divorce I managed to finally take a stand, but found myself afterwards, still walking around, worrying too much about hurting feelings and less about what was best for me.  I can proudly say, during the past month, and everything sort of falling into place, I realized, you're gonna hurt feelings sometimes. You can't make EVERYONE happy.

I've lost a friend or two because of this, but the bottom line is, they really weren't friends to begin with.  One used me as an alibi without my knowledge and dragged me in the middle of tons of drama, the other wanted to keep me on the backburner as a potential girlfriend in case the perfect woman never came along.  I made it clear that I indeed was one hell of a catch.

Guys, let me tell you something, I am all for keeping your options open if you are not in an exclusive relationship, however, it's really disrespectful, rude and downright tacky to pursue other women while in the presence of someone you claim to be interested in.  This of course applies to women as well.

Yeah, he got busted.  Called out.  And couldn't take the heat so he decided since I spoke up for myself and called him on his bullshit that he needed to take me off his FB friends list.  *Excuse me, I need to cry*  Apparently he didn't like the me that told him just what I thought.  Oh well, again, I'm one hell of a catch.

I like barbie and barbie, jr. land.  The only drama you will find is the occasional fight between pets, raccoons getting in the trash, and occasionally me calling out asshat on allowing Ms. Asshat have too much say regarding Barbie Jr.  Nobody is the boss of us (well, except for me).  Don't get me wrong, my eye is out there on a few people, but I'm not pushing.  I figure when the time is right, he'll come along.  In the meantime I'll just enjoy the amusement and fun at Barbie Land.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

You are nothing but....

Dialogue from a year ago today.  In the middle of Wal-Mart.  Yep KLASSY!

Me:  "You hurried up on your route thinking you could avoid me huh?  You are nothing but a LYING sack of SHIT!"
Him:  "I didn't do nothing."
Me:  "Oh bullshit. Men don't send men text messages with fucking smiley faces in them.  When you get home from work, you're shit will be packed and on the porch.  I want you OUT!"

Best words I ever uttered in my entire life.

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Don't let the sadness of your past ruin the present.....

A year ago this weekend, is the weekend that changed my life.  I had a conversation with a random person that spoke loud and clear and told me for once, to follow my gut.  And I did.  And what I found was shocking and devastating.  At the time, I thought it was one of the worst moments of my life, now I realize, it was a blessing.

I went through all the right motions and cried.  I cried A LOT.  I felt defeated.  I felt hopeless.  I felt sad.  I replayed the prior 12 years in my mind.  All the problems we faced, the struggles we had been through, and tried to blame myself.  But I couldn't.  He continued to convince me he wasn't seeing the other woman, he wanted me back.  But finding out he was lying to me (big surprise) and living with her is when I think I hit rock bottom.  But it all made sense.  And that's when my determination kicked in.

I made it through the holidays.  Of course there was turmoil.  He was living with her and I was seeing someone.  He couldn't take it.  He went crazy.  Just days into the new year my father was hospitalized for complications from a surgery he'd had just after Christmas.  He spent 6 weeks in the hospital and almost died.  I tried to balance single motherhood with being the daughter who wanted to spend time with her sick father.  Because the ex stepped up to help out so I could spend time at the hospital, his relationship with her ended.  So I became his new focus.  I'll admit, it was nice at first, but he soon became very controlling.

Of course this all led up to that one moment that truly opened my eyes.  The morning he physically attacked me.  A day doesn't go by when I don't think of it.  A night doesn't go by when I don't close my eyes and see the crazed look on his face as he rears back to head butt me.  The nightmares are not as frequent these days and the emotional scars are healing.  He did me a favor that day.  He gave me the strength and determination to make a better life for myself and for our daughter.

I set into motion, found a new home, finalized my divorce and spent the summer finding myself.  While he moved in with the next woman who came along.  I was never jealous, but felt sorry for him rather, I still do.  To be that insecure that you can't spend a minute alone.  For a while, that's what I thought I needed, was someone to fall to, but thankfully, I took the time to find me.

It hasn't been easy finding myself again.  But I did.  And I learned a lot about myself in the process.  The main thing being, I'm an incredibly strong woman.  And I'm proud of that.

As I previously wrote, I'm truly happy for the first time in years.  I've made new friends, lost a few friends, reconnected with old friends.  I've learned what it is to smile again.  I've been reminded of how a simple compliment can make me smile from ear to ear.  How a text that just says "Good morning" can make my day.

I'm thankful for that weekend a year ago.  Thankful for my family and friends that have stood by me and helped me get to where I am today. Thankful for those who advised me to not "rush into anything".  From this day forward, what's meant to be will happen.  And I think I'm finally ready to open up my heart again.

And to quote my favorite group Lady A... "I'm ready to feel now -No longer am I afraid of the fall down. It must be time to move on now - Without the fear of how it might end. I guess I'm ready to love again"

Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Live life, laugh lots, love forever.....

My new mantra.  Aaaah, happy, it's nice to see you again.

Berta and Fred Pt. 1

This is a story of two friends Berta and Fred**

Fred:   Blah, blah, blah, I like to crochet and do granny things.
Berta:  We should do granny things together.
Fred:   I got some new crochet patterns.  I'm going to make some hats.
Berta:  Never EVER say that on a first, or second date.
Fred:   But what if I want to make my date a hat?
Berta:  NEVER.  Listen to me.  You don't talk granny things on a first date.
Fred:   Fine.  Third date?
Berta:  *glares at Fred* No granny talk.

** names changed to protect the "innocent"