Thursday, May 26, 2011

Ramblings of a mopey girl

I should be packing since my brother-in-law is coming to help me move my living room furniture tomorrow. But instead, I am here, with a cat laying on me, typing away.

I am so overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed with my move. Overwhelmed with trying to keep details straight. Overwhelmed with my life period.

Apparently I suck at dating. Something about me evidently makes men run for the hills. With the exception of married men which I seem to attract or men who want to have conversations with my boobs. Yes, I live with them every day, it's no secret they are there, but I do have a face. I've taken to the method of doing the Bobby Goren tilt, leaning over and saying MY FACE IS UP HERE. And really, I don't want anything serious right now, but being alone all the time really sucks. I spent years with asshat feeling alone. I don't necessarily want someone to be with me all the time, but having someone to talk to when I feel alone sure would be nice. And I don't have that. And I know it hasn't been all that long but that doesn't keep me from being lonely.

I am finding myself attracted to the ones who would never have me. The ones who solely want some skinny, prissy girl. I can priss as much as the next girl but the fact of the matter is, I am not skinny. Nor do I really want to be. But I have found myself becoming more and more self conscious about myself and my body. To the point it is painful to look in the mirror sometimes. I know I'm a good person, but nobody can seem to look past the fact that I'm not a size 3 to even find out.

I don't miss asshat much at all. Sure there are times when something will happen, or I see something that I still want to pick up the phone and call him. And I wouldn't want to be back in the situation I was in. Being truly alone is somehow easier than feeling lonely when you are with someone. And I know, or at least I hope, I will have that person again someday. The person you call first when something goes right or wrong. So for now, I think I'll suck it up, go talk to my cats and pack.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My new pick up line....

Excuse me.... Can I lick your face???

Monday, May 16, 2011

New beginnings...

Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too...

My divorce is now final and I'm in the middle of moving. Ironically, I got my divorce order AND my keys to my new house on the same day, which also happened to be Friday the 13th!

The times I find myself alone, I end up bitter and angry that he has found someone. Not out of jealousy, but because I'm the one who spent half my life miserable. HE stole my happiness. Why does HE deserve to be happy? Why do I deserve to spend my days alone while he spends his with the weenie woman and her son? Yet at the same time, I hope he finds happiness. I hope in all this he has learned how to treat others. That in order to have a relationship, you have to be honest. And sometimes, put others first. I find myself doubting that he has learned anything other than using it all to gain sympathy from others.

For me, I want time. I don't want to rush into anything just to have someone. I want to take my time, live life, and if I happen to find Prince Charming then that's okay too.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

17 years, and 8 pages later.....

Even though I know I am doing the right thing, it's difficult. I thought I had cried my last tear after the abuse but it turns I was wrong.

Yesterday, asshat and I sat down with our attorneys and an hour and a half later, on 8 sheets of white paper, were the terms of our agreement. 17 years on 8 sheets of paper. I cried the entire time. It started over nothing really, the tears just began to flow almost as soon as we sat down. Luckily, I didn't go into full blown sobs, just the steady stream of tears down my face.

On May 11th, this chapter of my life will end. I will again be Adkins. I will no longer be a "married woman". I will then become a "single mom". And on May 13th, I get the keys to our new home. I'm excited to move on with my life. Excited for new beginnings and as much as I have been through, a bit sad about the end. I gave everything I possibly could and I know this. But even those times I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him, the bottom line was, he had become a best friend. When something happened, good or bad, he was the first person I would call. I still catch myself thinking I will call and tell him something and then remembering I can't. So now, when something happens, I find myself a little lost, a little lonely.

I will be fine. I will again be happy. I will find love. I will survive.