Step Away From The Barbies

I should be packing since my brother-in-law is coming to help me move my living room furniture tomorrow. But instead, I am here, with a cat laying on me, typing away. I am so overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed with my move. Overwhelmed with trying to keep details straight. Overwhelmed with my life period. Apparently I suck at dating. Something about me evidently makes men run for the hills. With the exception of married men which I seem to attract or men who want to have conversations with my boobs. Yes, I live with them every day, it's no secret they are there, but I do have a face. I've taken to the method of doing the Bobby Goren tilt, leaning over and saying MY FACE IS UP HERE. And really, I don't want anything serious right now, but being alone all the time really sucks. I spent years with asshat feeling alone. I don't necessarily want someone to be with me all the time, but having someone to talk to when I feel alone sure would be nice. And I don't...

Excuse me.... Can I lick your face???

Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too... My divorce is now final and I'm in the middle of moving. Ironically, I got my divorce order AND my keys to my new house on the same day, which also happened to be Friday the 13th! The times I find myself alone, I end up bitter and angry that he has found someone. Not out of jealousy, but because I'm the one who spent half my life miserable. HE stole my happiness. Why does HE deserve to be happy? Why do I deserve to spend my days alone while he spends his with the weenie woman and her son? Yet at the same time, I hope he finds happiness. I hope in all this he has learned how to treat others. That in order to have a relationship, you have to be honest. And sometimes, put others first. I find myself doubting that he has learned anything other than using it all...

Even though I know I am doing the right thing, it's difficult. I thought I had cried my last tear after the abuse but it turns I was wrong. Yesterday, asshat and I sat down with our attorneys and an hour and a half later, on 8 sheets of white paper, were the terms of our agreement. 17 years on 8 sheets of paper. I cried the entire time. It started over nothing really, the tears just began to flow almost as soon as we sat down. Luckily, I didn't go into full blown sobs, just the steady stream of tears down my face. On May 11th, this chapter of my life will end. I will again be Adkins. I will no longer be a "married woman". I will then become a "single mom". And on May 13th, I get the keys to our new home. I'm excited to move on with my life. Excited for new beginnings and as much as I have been through, a bit sad about the end. I gave everything I possibly could and I know this. But even those times I couldn't stand to be in the same ...