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stand still, look pretty

Retrospect is a curious thing.  Another relationship ended this week and in retrospect, I let myself down.  I spent a little while reading back through old messages on Facebook and on my phone.  Recalling some early phone conversations and becoming more agitated with myself for not doing what I should have done sooner.  Stand up for myself.

Little comments about "overweight people" or how I needed a better routine at the gym if I really wanted results.  Comments about my clothes.  My house. My pets.  And I grinned and took it.  Some within the first week or so of communication.  I recalled a phone conversation where I was told Yeah, I looked at some of your pictures and I can tell the weight fluctuation in your face. That's really when I  should have said, FUCK OFF!

When I had enough and put my foot down, I got all the classic, narcissistic responses.  All the typical responses you would get from someone who is controlling.  But only ONE half-hearted apology to ONE thing I said had hurt my feelings.  I have no apologizes.  I am who I am.  I will not change who I am or what I look like for anyone.  The only person I need to apologize to is myself, for not putting a stop to the jabs and criticism from day one.

While I don't think you will come to my blog to see if I wrote about this situation, although part of me suspects you might.  So just in case, let me say this. If I cared for someone, as you claimed to care about me, EVEN if I felt I had done no wrong, I would have told that person, "you know what, I think I'm misunderstood and I am sorry if I made you feel the way you did."  Instead, you continued to turn the tables and make excuses. For me, that speaks volumes about who you truly are.

This is the biggest thing that sticks out in my mind from our conversation.  You accused me of confusing you with the person I used to be married to.  Even my regular readers will probably be surprised here because I am actually going to defend that person.  He and I had some wonderful times. Almost daily I can think of something silly that happened between us, or a joke we had and I smile.  Yes, there were many bad times between us.  Yes, I let him almost destroy the person I am and thank God I found her again.  But he can't be totally blamed for that.  Again, it was years of me letting him get by and not standing up for myself.  But I can sure as HELL guarantee you one thing.  He may not have treated me the way I should have been treated, but I will tell you this much, he never ONCE tried to change who I was.  NEVER.

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susieqlaw said…
You are beautiful.
4:29 AM
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