Thursday, August 23, 2012

Don't blink...

I heard the song "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney on the radio last night and it suddenly hit me how true of a song it was.  Tomorrow my baby girl will turn ten.  This day ten years ago I was put in the hospital with high blood pressure and told, you'll meet your daughter tomorrow.  I was scared to become a mother and her dad was scared to become a father. 

I recall telling him we had to be at the hospital at 5 that day and him saying, "it isn't time".  I remember eating and eating knowing that once I got to the hospital I'd be on ice chips. I remember scurrying to pack a bag which I hadn't already done.  I had a list of what I wanted to take but it wasn't gathered at that point.  I remember being so scared when we walked into that hospital.

It was a long night.  The fetal monitor kept moving, setting off an alarm and here would come that poor nurse to fix it.  Neither of us got much sleep that night.  The next morning they induced me around 7 and remember at around 10 I was given Stadol for pain and it making me think the ceiling tiles were moving.  A few hours later I got my epidural.  A few hours after that they discovered I was starting to bleed so as soon as the OB/GYN arrived I was taken in for a c-section.  In my head it should have been around 8 or 9 in the evening but our beautiful little girl was born at 5:54 PM. 

No matter what has or hasn't happened between then and now, it is still my favorite memory of me and retro Ken.  I saw a completely different side of him in those 24 hours than I ever had.  He was attentive and loving and sweet that day. And it's hard to believe it's already been ten years.

Happy Birthday (a day early) Barbie Jr!  You are the reason I live and breathe!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

One Hot Mess!

The anxiety is still present but not as bad. Unless you consider sobbing by the time I got to work this morning bad? The worst part was the random dude sitting out back, greeting me good morning and me trying to return the greeting through my sobs. Which made me feel worse because more than likely he's from the homeless shelter and here I was, getting out of my vehicle, going to my job that pays me money and at the end of the day I would be going to my house. Oh did I mention I'm also on steriods for my asthma too. Things have worked out with Barbie, Jr. and the visitation issues we had. I just pray she adjusts well to the schedule. No matter what he's done to me, or the issues between us, he is still her dad and he deserves to see her. Things, communication and such are going well between he and I too. I have also made the decision to go back to Marshall University in January and pursue a degree in Social Work. I'm excited, scared, nervous but mostly proud of myself for making this decision. My mom was 42 when she went back to school to become an LPN which was one of my encouraging factors in this decision. My mom didn't drive until she was my age, didn't get a job outside the home until a few years later and then decided to better herself and go back to school. She kept an "A" average while dealing with me and whatever teenage angst I had going on. What I will do once I have completed it, I don't know, but undoubtedly it will be something fabulous. My personal life is soaring. I've tried to come up with a creative, Barbie-ish name for the boy but all I have come up with is Ken 2.0. It might be kind of fitting since he and the ex share the same first name! :) He is proof that good things come to those who wait. He is proof that there are soul mates. I thank God every single day for the two best things in my life, Barbie jr and Ken 2.0. I have been completely and utterly blessed. Hopefully this bout with crazy and anxiety won't scare him away. But he has this knack about him that makes me know that everything will be okay.

Sunday, August 05, 2012

Panic-anic attack... it's worse. Penelope SNL

I thought a week long vacation would be enough to ease some of my anxiety but it's worse. Don't get me wrong. It's one of the best family vacations I have been on in many years. Little drama, lots of fun. The worst part was being able to see how much my dad's health has declined over the past couple of years. He used to be right out there with us jumping waves and now he does good to stand in shin deep water without being off balance. But aside from that, it was great. There was constant worry, would my dad fall walking to the beach, what if the kids got out in the water and got knocked down and couldn't get up, I miss my boyfriend, what if he decides he hates me this week while I'm gone, why do I have to be so broke financially? I could go on and on and on for hours but I'll stop there. Other than the finances, it was all ridiculous. This was all the reason I went on meds to begin with 12 years ago. The racing mind, the irrational worry, the panicky feeling. It's annoying. It's frustrating and I want it to stop. Luckily, I'm supposed to go to the doctor this week, but it happens to be the same day I'm supposed to go to court so I'm guessing I'll have to reschedule. Which will probably start a whole new chain of worry!