It does exist.....

I've been reading through the blog archives I removed. Printing them out. As much as I would like to forget them, the bottom line is, my past has made me who I am today. I should not find shame in it.

One post in particular caught my eye. I've never made it a secret that I'm this hopeless romantic. Deep down, there's a little girl inside of me that has always believed fairy tales do exist. So this post from October, 2008, made me sad:

There's no such thing as a glass slipper.

I want the fairy tale. I want Prince Charming. I want the man who tells me how completely wonderful I am, even if I DO eat ice cream cake while on my diet. I want a man who takes my breath away each and every day. A man who doesn't lie to me, doesn't hurt me, and doesn't take me for granted. I want to be Cinderella damnit.

The thing is, Walt Disney lied to us. All of us little girls who dreamed of perfect love and romance... LIED TO. There are no fairy godmothers, there are not 7 dwarfs who live in the forest and whistle while they work, there is no handsome prince to awaken us with a kiss when we've fallen into a deep sleep, and there sure as hell are no glass slippers.

I wanted a wedding. I wanted to be a princess. I wanted the American Dream. The morning of my wedding, I sat down on my mother's couch and sobbed uncontrollably. I told her it was nerves but the fact of the matter was, I didn't want to do it. I think I knew deep down it was all wrong. But I chalked it up to nerves and went through with it. And not even a week into our marriage he left to go to a lodge meeting leaving me alone. This would set the tone for our entire marriage. That damn lodge and lonliness. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret marrying asshat (believe it or not). Marrying him is the reason I have Barbie, Jr. And she's my life. But would I do it all over again? Hell no.

If I had it to do all over again there are a million things I would do different. He would cater to ME, not me to him. He would be the one making the effort to see me, not me driving to see him and to watch him sleep. I would be more independent. Spending time away from him, rather than spending all my time with him. And rather than me calling and begging to make amends when we fight, he would be the one crawling back to me. I've created this monster. I know that. Had I nipped this shit in the bud when we were dating, I wouldn't be where I am now. I probably wouldn't even be married to him.

My life revolved around him. I went to his house, he rarely came to mine. I had to spend all the time I could with him. He would sleep while I was there and I would get pissed, but I let it go on. Even back then, everything was about him. I was the one to give, give, give and sacrifice. I was the one who would call bawling my eyes out asking him to forgive me over some dumb fight we had no matter who was at fault. After 4 years, you would think you would know what you are getting yourself into. Evidently not. Maybe after 10 years you become less tolerant of someone? Less desirable. Less in love. I've become one of those people. The people who say "oh lord, don't get married." I advocate living in sin. I am the person I hated back when I was getting married. And it makes me sad. To go from the little girl who dreamed of the fairytale to the disgruntled, cynical, jaded wife who lives a miserable existence.

I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe happiness and marriage go together. And I sure as hell don't believe in the fairy tale. There IS no such thing as a glass slipper. And there is no Prince Charming.

It's taken me many years, but I again believe. I'm no longer miserable. I'm no longer lonely. In the past 6 months, I've learned to love myself first and foremost.