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I refuse to be irrelevant.

After insisting to my friends at work that I had *tried* to watch "Grace and Frankie" I discovered that I lied.  I had watched maybe 15 minutes of the show.  So I gave it a second chance.  I'm about halfway through the first season and something the character Grace said hit me like a ton of bricks.  "I refuse to be irrelevant."

I. Refuse. To. Be. Irrelevant.

To me it is a powerful statement.  And one I need to relate to more.  Because I can so related to feeling irrelevant these days.  I feel like I don't matter.  I mean of course, there are people I matter to, and others who make me feel irrelevant.  Who make me feel like my presence doesn't matter.  And I blame myself.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't even care.  I've always been all woohoo, my birthday is coming up.  This year? I could care less.  It's a Tuesday.  I have zero expectations.  I'm sure people on Facebook will wish me happy birthday, but otherwise, it just feels like another day to me.  And the fact that I feel this way is horrific to me. I'm the one who even last year, counted down to that day.  Just not feeling it this year. If I could, I would go to bed and sleep through my birthday.  And the saddest part of it all, I can't really give you a reason why I feel this way, other than the fact that I feel irrelevant.  And when I heard that line is when it hit me.

I want my spark back.  My sass.  I want to feel passionate about something. I want to matter. And it will take time.  But today, I still feel irrelevant. Invisible.  And that's a sad and lonely place to be!

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