Monday, February 25, 2013

My dear friend....

Had it not been for you, I would have never made it through those first few months of my divorce.  You were my rock.  You made me mad as damn at times but that's what friends do.  I wanted to kick your ass when I cooked for you that time and waited on you hand and foot.  And when you left your gum on my table.  But looking back, that's now a memory I will cherish with a smile.  I cherish all the long talks we had.  Many of which continued until the sun came up.

I will find peace with the regrets I have, the biggest being I feel like I failed you as a friend.  I hope you know how dear you were to me and that I will always love you.

Rest in peace my friend. 

Saturday, February 23, 2013

stand still, look pretty

Retrospect is a curious thing.  Another relationship ended this week and in retrospect, I let myself down.  I spent a little while reading back through old messages on Facebook and on my phone.  Recalling some early phone conversations and becoming more agitated with myself for not doing what I should have done sooner.  Stand up for myself.

Little comments about "overweight people" or how I needed a better routine at the gym if I really wanted results.  Comments about my clothes.  My house. My pets.  And I grinned and took it.  Some within the first week or so of communication.  I recalled a phone conversation where I was told Yeah, I looked at some of your pictures and I can tell the weight fluctuation in your face. That's really when I  should have said, FUCK OFF!

When I had enough and put my foot down, I got all the classic, narcissistic responses.  All the typical responses you would get from someone who is controlling.  But only ONE half-hearted apology to ONE thing I said had hurt my feelings.  I have no apologizes.  I am who I am.  I will not change who I am or what I look like for anyone.  The only person I need to apologize to is myself, for not putting a stop to the jabs and criticism from day one.

While I don't think you will come to my blog to see if I wrote about this situation, although part of me suspects you might.  So just in case, let me say this. If I cared for someone, as you claimed to care about me, EVEN if I felt I had done no wrong, I would have told that person, "you know what, I think I'm misunderstood and I am sorry if I made you feel the way you did."  Instead, you continued to turn the tables and make excuses. For me, that speaks volumes about who you truly are.

This is the biggest thing that sticks out in my mind from our conversation.  You accused me of confusing you with the person I used to be married to.  Even my regular readers will probably be surprised here because I am actually going to defend that person.  He and I had some wonderful times. Almost daily I can think of something silly that happened between us, or a joke we had and I smile.  Yes, there were many bad times between us.  Yes, I let him almost destroy the person I am and thank God I found her again.  But he can't be totally blamed for that.  Again, it was years of me letting him get by and not standing up for myself.  But I can sure as HELL guarantee you one thing.  He may not have treated me the way I should have been treated, but I will tell you this much, he never ONCE tried to change who I was.  NEVER.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Done, completed, finished, over

All of the above have essentially the same meaning.  That something has come to an end.  So I will say, when I'm done, I'm done.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Take Me As I Am

Ask my momma about the day I was born and you'll hear a story of my dad sleeping, my mom sneaking to scrub baseboards, her hemorrhaging and both of us nearly dying.  Moral of the story, I came into this world to the beat of my own drum.  No, no birth is "typical" but this event set the stage for my life.

I was never the kid who wanted to be like all the other kids.  I was always unique.  I was never afraid of what people might think.  I did my own thing.  I still liked New Kids on the Block when I was 18, did I care?  No.  Did I care that I maybe didn't dress like everyone else?  No.  Did I care that my hair wasn't perfect?  No.  Little things that added up to make me who I was.

While I've changed a lot over 37 years, one aspect that has changed very little is the fact that I still, march to the beat of my own drum.  And it's often said, that is one thing people admire about me.  That I've never been afraid to be myself.  And I find it getting more difficult the older I get.  I don't know if it is a fear of making a fool of myself or just the fact that I over think things.   But then I quickly remember I wasn't put on this planet to conform, and be like everyone else, I was put on this planet to shine in my own way (God I know how corny I sound right now).

I will always be that girl who loves her jeans, hoodies and ratty boots but can clean up once in a while when the time is right.  I will never have a perfectly clean house.  I will always have an abundance of yarn.  I will always be loud and heard above the crowd.  I will never be afraid to be a little goofy with my family.  I will always want to sing (very poorly) along with the radio.  Or sing loudly in my office.  I could go on and on, but I will never stop being me.