Step Away From The Barbies

Had it not been for you, I would have never made it through those first few months of my divorce.  You were my rock.  You made me mad as damn at times but that's what friends do.  I wanted to kick your ass when I cooked for you that time and waited on you hand and foot.  And when you left your gum on my table.  But looking back, that's now a memory I will cherish with a smile.  I cherish all the long talks we had.  Many of which continued until the sun came up. I will find peace with the regrets I have, the biggest being I feel like I failed you as a friend.  I hope you know how dear you were to me and that I will always love you. Rest in peace my friend. 

Retrospect is a curious thing.  Another relationship ended this week and in retrospect, I let myself down.  I spent a little while reading back through old messages on Facebook and on my phone.  Recalling some early phone conversations and becoming more agitated with myself for not doing what I should have done sooner.  Stand up for myself. Little comments about "overweight people" or how I needed a better routine at the gym if I really wanted results.  Comments about my clothes.  My house. My pets.  And I grinned and took it.  Some within the first week or so of communication.  I recalled a phone conversation where I was told Yeah, I looked at some of your pictures and I can tell the weight fluctuation in your face. That's really when I  should have said, FUCK OFF! When I had enough and put my foot down, I got all the classic, narcissistic responses.  All the typical responses you would get from someone who is controlling. ...

All of the above have essentially the same meaning.  That something has come to an end.  So I will say, when I'm done, I'm done.

Ask my momma about the day I was born and you'll hear a story of my dad sleeping, my mom sneaking to scrub baseboards, her hemorrhaging and both of us nearly dying.  Moral of the story, I came into this world to the beat of my own drum.  No, no birth is "typical" but this event set the stage for my life. I was never the kid who wanted to be like all the other kids.  I was always unique.  I was never afraid of what people might think.  I did my own thing.  I still liked New Kids on the Block when I was 18, did I care?  No.  Did I care that I maybe didn't dress like everyone else?  No.  Did I care that my hair wasn't perfect?  No.  Little things that added up to make me who I was. While I've changed a lot over 37 years, one aspect that has changed very little is the fact that I still, march to the beat of my own drum.  And it's often said, that is one thing people admire about me.  That I've never been afraid to ...