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Mirror, mirror

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my ex-husband and what transpired between us 2 years ago. Every day when I look at myself in the mirror, I am reminded of what happened that day.  A day that opened my eyes and showed me what I needed to do.

Oddly enough, even though I think about it every single day, this year, the date passed and I didn't even realize it until today.  I'd like to think it's because I have put all that behind me.  At least, I hope that's what it is.  I've come a long way since that day. I'm a different person now than I was, but one thing has become abundantly clear to me, I am not so sure I like the person I have started to become.

There have been many things over the past couple of years I am not proud of.  I've done some pretty stupid things while trying to soul search and find myself.  Yeah, we all make mistakes.  My problem? I keep making them.  The biggest thing I dislike about myself is my apparent inability to speak up for myself.  It's a work in progress.  The fact that I find myself being agreeable just to get along.  That's bullshit.

My depression is pretty much spiraling right now.  No worries, I'd never want to harm myself or anyone else, I just don't want to eat or get out of bed, or I want to eat too much.  I find myself sitting and staring at things, unable to focus, unable to concentrate.  When Barbie, Jr. is with me, I do much better, but I still find my mind wandering.  I need to find another therapist I trust.  Not one who looks at me and says, But you have it all figured out, why are you here.  No, I don't have it all fucking figured out, that is why I WAS going.  I find myself getting this way every winter.  And within a week's time period I ended a relationship and paid my last respects to a friend.  That's enough to make a normal person sad.

This week, the level of depression has been pretty high.  The week started off on a bad note, I have the flu, and way too much time to think, which is why I was reminded of the fact that the date passed and I didn't even remember.  Now try and follow me.  It started with me watching the Runaway Bride.  And afterwards thinking about Maggie's failed relationships and how I can relate to that.  And from that goofy movie I realized, like Maggie, in the movie, in relationships, I tend to conform and be agreeable, not standing up for myself, and the end result is, not revealing my true self.  I need to remind myself that it's okay not to like eggs, or disagree on things.  It's okay if something is said that I don't like to speak up and defend myself or my position.  It's okay to be ME.  Because not allowing myself be who I am, leads to where I am right now. And leads to me looking in the mirror and not liking what I see.  It repeats the pattern of my past.  Because that's the girl who I was in the past, was the girl who never stood up for herself, who agreed just to keep peace, who was never herself.  And it ends.  Now.

So here you go.  Here's the real me:

I'm broke as fuck. I can barely keep my head above water financially.  I wouldn't even calling it living paycheck to paycheck.  It's more like robbing Peter to pay Paul. I could go to a better paying job but could not find anything benefit wise that compares to what I'm getting now.  My insurance being the biggest thing.  It's pretty good and I pay very little.  My stomach stays in knots trying to figure out how I'm going to get through.  I applied for public assistance but I make about $1,000 too much a year, if that.  

My credit is beyond horrendous. My smartest move is probably to file for bankruptcy but see above.  I can't afford to.  

I hate to clean.  Don't get me wrong, I do it, but it isn't my favorite thing to do.  I have at least a basket of laundry to do at any given time.  Sometimes probably clean clothes because I hate to fold them and put them away.

I'm way too flirty. I know this.  It gets me into all sorts of predicaments.  I need to dial it down a notch.

I feel like I am not truly passionate about anything. I just feel sort of meh all the time.  And you know what I hate the most, when someone asks me what I'm thinking at that moment.  The last boyfriend did this constantly.  And you know what, often times, I'm thinking random thoughts like: I'd really like to have my yarn with me right now; wonder what my pets are doing; I'm spending too much time away from them, I really should stop that; wonder what I will have for lunch tomorrow; I need to tell such and such this or that.  Usually, my thoughts are not profound. 

I need to get off my ass and exercise but I don't wanna (see the topic of depression).  And yes I KNOW I would feel better.  I KNOW I would sleep better.  I KNOW 8 hours of sleep a night is a MUST.  But whatever, fucking bite me.

That's it for now. There are more horrible, revealing traits about me I know, but I'm tired and God forbid I don't get my rest.  That all being said, I'm working on it. I'm working on me.  I'm working on the bad things and trying to make them good.  But until then, until I truly can love what I see, I probably should avoid looking in the mirror.


Anonymous said…
I'm happy to see you're still blogging.
Barbie Girl said…
Thanks. It's still my best form of therapy! :)
susieqlaw said…
It's okay to feel the way you feel. You are coping the best you can. You are a strong person.

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