Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Don't worry, be happy. :)

I started this blog I believe sometime around 2005 or 2006.  As I mentioned before, so much of what I posted in the past, while it has a lot to do with who I am now, it was too painful and a chapter of my life that I closed, so I removed it to start fresh.

Today, I can post for the first time since I started this blog all those years ago, I am truly, fully, utterly happy.  I am at a place where I like myself again.  I'm single, I've lost weight, I feel great most days, I walk outside and see beauty all around me, and it's freaking wonderful.

I look in the mirror and love myself.  And it's not about my appearance.  I can look at myself and no longer feel shame.  I look at myself and see a woman who has changed tremendously over the past year.  Has faced some of the most difficult times in her life and kept plowing along stronger and with more determination.  Determined to not fail.  Determined to prove to mainly herself that she would survive.  And I did.

I finally told my sister the other day, I had gotten to the point before separating from my ex husband, that I was almost ashamed around my niece and nephew.  They know what I've been through, they've seen it.  They've seen him put me down, shout at me, pout with me, act ugly.  They hated him for it.  They hated him for turning me into the person I was becoming.  And when we finally separated, I remember both of them at different times randomly coming to me and hugging me, telling me how much they loved me and how proud they were of me.  That spoke volumes to me.  And even Barbie, Jr. remembers a few times when things got bad.  So when I found moments of weakness, thinking maybe I should give him another chance, or thinking well, maybe he could change, I would think of the three kids.  And what would that teach them if I went back?  And how disappointed they would be of me.  And how I needed to show Barbie Jr. that you stand up for yourself and don't settle for less than you deserve.  I grew up with a father who is a lot like my ex.  And for a long time, I allowed myself to repeat the cycle of what my mom went through.  And thankfully, I was able to break it.

My therapist and I talked about how good it all was for Barbie, Jr.  She now has a mother who is happy, and can focus on doing fun things together, rather than wanting to sit home and be sad all the time.  How she has a father who now spends time with her and appreciates the time he spends with her.  And he has a girlfriend who loves her and treats her like her own child.  So essentially, she is surrounded with love.

It's so good to be happy once again.  I had forgotten what it was like.  As I told my sister, asshat did me a favor.  Had he not done the things he did, I wouldn't have found happiness again.  I wouldn't have found who I am.  I wouldn't go back and change a thing.  Everything happens for a reason, and his actions gave me the means to reinvent my life.  And so far, it's freaking fabulous!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Spongebob is brilliant!

Day two with my therapist (oh hey, did I mention I started seeing a therapist) and we discussed how I realized through my divorce that I have always lived my life according to how others felt I should live.  I always would seek approval from family and friends before doing anything.  How I often go along with things just to keep the peace.  How I never speak up for myself or how I feel.  How I never make decisions because I think I'm being "easy to get along with".  All things I have realized.

So she gave me a chapter from a book to read as homework.  It was like reading my life.  I sat in the bathtub, engrossed in these 20 pages, feeling like someone was describing ME on paper.  Realizing so many more things about myself that I never realized.

And of course it gave tips and examples at the end of how to break this cycle.  And I must say, defriending someone on Facebook and telling them how I really felt was liberating, and fell under part of the steps to overcoming subjugation.

And the word assertive jumped out at me from the pages.  And it took me to one of my favorite episodes of Spongebob where Plankton is trying to get Spongebob to be more assertive.  So basically, the answer has been in front of me all along, I just chose not to see it.

Assertiveness Training

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan!

Fatal Attraction, that is the best way to describe it. You have crazy people then you have bunny boiling crazy people.   Sadly, a person who was at one time supposed to be one of my best friends has become the bunny boiler.

It's over a man of course.  Isn't it always.  I was told the other day, "Dude, she's CRAZY jealous of you."  Well, apparently so.  I'm nothing to be jealous of.  I'm me.  I'm goofy.  Sometimes an airhead.  But now because someone has paid attention to me and not her, "I'll get what I deserve".  Only that came from her crazy ass fake FB profile she created.  I'm done, I'm over it and I'm watching my back.  And still trying to figure out how to get this freaking knife out of it.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Hey you!

I miss you! You know who you are. :)

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

20 years ago...

It's hard to believe tomorrow (September 7) will mark the 20th anniversary of my grandfather's passing. He was a handsome man, incredibly smart and a veteran of WWII who received 2 purple hearts and a silver star.

I was only 15 when he passed. I was very close to him, but wish I had been able to learn more about him. I have many wonderful memories of him from him driving me to school every day when I was in elementary school, the little songs he used to sing to us, his athletic shorts with dress socks and shoes, the list goes on and on. He was the first person to teach me how to use a computer. A Commodore 64.

I also recall how difficult it was watching him deteriorate as his illness worsened to the point he became almost childlike. During the summer before he passed, I remember him randomly starting to cry and telling me to never use drugs. Or his dislike for the garden guy on tv. Or how he wanted a piece of the meatloaf my mom had made him, and I was such a dumb kid, when my grandma told me to put it in the microwave for 35 minutes, I did. Needless to say it burnt. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried because I thought I had let him down. I felt the same way the night he died. I laid in the floor of his hospital room and fell asleep and didn't get to say goodbye. But I know he knew I loved him.

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents on the weekends and during the summer. The summer I was diagnosed with asthma was no different. I recall having probably one of my first asthma attacks while being at their house. My grandfather was no stranger to asthma. I of course was terrified and starting to get excited. I remember my grandfather standing over me with his booming voice telling me it would be okay and to stay calm. That getting upset would only make it worse. To this day, I can still hear his voice telling me it will be okay.

I miss you so much Papaw! I love you!