I started this blog I believe sometime around 2005 or 2006. As I mentioned before, so much of what I posted in the past, while it has a lot to do with who I am now, it was too painful and a chapter of my life that I closed, so I removed it to start fresh.
Today, I can post for the first time since I started this blog all those years ago, I am truly, fully, utterly happy. I am at a place where I like myself again. I'm single, I've lost weight, I feel great most days, I walk outside and see beauty all around me, and it's freaking wonderful.
I look in the mirror and love myself. And it's not about my appearance. I can look at myself and no longer feel shame. I look at myself and see a woman who has changed tremendously over the past year. Has faced some of the most difficult times in her life and kept plowing along stronger and with more determination. Determined to not fail. Determined to prove to mainly herself that she would survive. And I did.
I finally told my sister the other day, I had gotten to the point before separating from my ex husband, that I was almost ashamed around my niece and nephew. They know what I've been through, they've seen it. They've seen him put me down, shout at me, pout with me, act ugly. They hated him for it. They hated him for turning me into the person I was becoming. And when we finally separated, I remember both of them at different times randomly coming to me and hugging me, telling me how much they loved me and how proud they were of me. That spoke volumes to me. And even Barbie, Jr. remembers a few times when things got bad. So when I found moments of weakness, thinking maybe I should give him another chance, or thinking well, maybe he could change, I would think of the three kids. And what would that teach them if I went back? And how disappointed they would be of me. And how I needed to show Barbie Jr. that you stand up for yourself and don't settle for less than you deserve. I grew up with a father who is a lot like my ex. And for a long time, I allowed myself to repeat the cycle of what my mom went through. And thankfully, I was able to break it.
My therapist and I talked about how good it all was for Barbie, Jr. She now has a mother who is happy, and can focus on doing fun things together, rather than wanting to sit home and be sad all the time. How she has a father who now spends time with her and appreciates the time he spends with her. And he has a girlfriend who loves her and treats her like her own child. So essentially, she is surrounded with love.
It's so good to be happy once again. I had forgotten what it was like. As I told my sister, asshat did me a favor. Had he not done the things he did, I wouldn't have found happiness again. I wouldn't have found who I am. I wouldn't go back and change a thing. Everything happens for a reason, and his actions gave me the means to reinvent my life. And so far, it's freaking fabulous!
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