Step Away From The Barbies

I started this blog I believe sometime around 2005 or 2006.  As I mentioned before, so much of what I posted in the past, while it has a lot to do with who I am now, it was too painful and a chapter of my life that I closed, so I removed it to start fresh. Today, I can post for the first time since I started this blog all those years ago, I am truly, fully, utterly happy.  I am at a place where I like myself again.  I'm single, I've lost weight, I feel great most days, I walk outside and see beauty all around me, and it's freaking wonderful. I look in the mirror and love myself.  And it's not about my appearance.  I can look at myself and no longer feel shame.  I look at myself and see a woman who has changed tremendously over the past year.  Has faced some of the most difficult times in her life and kept plowing along stronger and with more determination.  Determined to not fail.  Determined to prove to mainly herself that she would survive.  And I did. I finally

Day two with my therapist (oh hey, did I mention I started seeing a therapist) and we discussed how I realized through my divorce that I have always lived my life according to how others felt I should live.  I always would seek approval from family and friends before doing anything.  How I often go along with things just to keep the peace.  How I never speak up for myself or how I feel.  How I never make decisions because I think I'm being "easy to get along with".  All things I have realized. So she gave me a chapter from a book to read as homework.  It was like reading my life.  I sat in the bathtub, engrossed in these 20 pages, feeling like someone was describing ME on paper.  Realizing so many more things about myself that I never realized. And of course it gave tips and examples at the end of how to break this cycle.  And I must say, defriending someone on Facebook and telling them how I really felt was liberating, and fell under part of the steps to overcoming s

Fatal Attraction, that is the best way to describe it. You have crazy people then you have bunny boiling crazy people.   Sadly, a person who was at one time supposed to be one of my best friends has become the bunny boiler. It's over a man of course.  Isn't it always.  I was told the other day, "Dude, she's CRAZY jealous of you."  Well, apparently so.  I'm nothing to be jealous of.  I'm me.  I'm goofy.  Sometimes an airhead.  But now because someone has paid attention to me and not her, "I'll get what I deserve".  Only that came from her crazy ass fake FB profile she created.  I'm done, I'm over it and I'm watching my back.  And still trying to figure out how to get this freaking knife out of it.

I miss you! You know who you are. :)

It's hard to believe tomorrow (September 7) will mark the 20th anniversary of my grandfather's passing. He was a handsome man, incredibly smart and a veteran of WWII who received 2 purple hearts and a silver star. I was only 15 when he passed. I was very close to him, but wish I had been able to learn more about him. I have many wonderful memories of him from him driving me to school every day when I was in elementary school, the little songs he used to sing to us, his athletic shorts with dress socks and shoes, the list goes on and on. He was the first person to teach me how to use a computer. A Commodore 64. I also recall how difficult it was watching him deteriorate as his illness worsened to the point he became almost childlike. During the summer before he passed, I remember him randomly starting to cry and telling me to never use drugs. Or his dislike for the garden guy on tv. Or how he wanted a piece of the meatloaf my mom had made him, and I was such a dumb kid