Monday, April 18, 2011

Moving on

It's been a really random few days. I've discovered, sometimes being strong for the sake of your child is sometimes really difficult but something that must be done.

I've realized that some people will continue to live life playing the victim. As in, never owning up to the mistakes they make. I will be the first to tell you, I make mistakes and I've made plenty of them. I have learned from them. And I move on. MOVE ON being the key word. My plea to asshat is, move on and quit making my life a living hell. I've admitted the mistakes I made and I am attempting to get on with my life. I don't deserve the hell you have put me through for over 15 years and you sure as hell never deserved me. But I got the best of you and she's asleep beside me. Because of your actions that you can't seem to own up to, I get the joy of going to bed snuggled up to her every night while you lay in your cold, lonesome bed at your parent's house.

I realize each day how lucky I am. I'm surrounded by wonderful, amazing people. I've lost some friends but made new ones along the way. I've found someone who makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet and I am damn lucky to have found him. I've learned a lot about myself because of him. I've learned to ignore the rules and follow my heart. I no longer worry about "the people" and their preconceived notions of how life and love should be. And after all these years, the movie "The Notebook" makes sense.

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday."

Monday, April 11, 2011

In the words of Marilyn.....

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe

Thursday, April 07, 2011

It does exist.....

I've been reading through the blog archives I removed. Printing them out. As much as I would like to forget them, the bottom line is, my past has made me who I am today. I should not find shame in it.

One post in particular caught my eye. I've never made it a secret that I'm this hopeless romantic. Deep down, there's a little girl inside of me that has always believed fairy tales do exist. So this post from October, 2008, made me sad:

There's no such thing as a glass slipper.
I want the fairy tale. I want Prince Charming. I want the man who tells me how completely wonderful I am, even if I DO eat ice cream cake while on my diet. I want a man who takes my breath away each and every day. A man who doesn't lie to me, doesn't hurt me, and doesn't take me for granted. I want to be Cinderella damnit.

The thing is, Walt Disney lied to us. All of us little girls who dreamed of perfect love and romance... LIED TO. There are no fairy godmothers, there are not 7 dwarfs who live in the forest and whistle while they work, there is no handsome prince to awaken us with a kiss when we've fallen into a deep sleep, and there sure as hell are no glass slippers.

I wanted a wedding. I wanted to be a princess. I wanted the American Dream. The morning of my wedding, I sat down on my mother's couch and sobbed uncontrollably. I told her it was nerves but the fact of the matter was, I didn't want to do it. I think I knew deep down it was all wrong. But I chalked it up to nerves and went through with it. And not even a week into our marriage he left to go to a lodge meeting leaving me alone. This would set the tone for our entire marriage. That damn lodge and lonliness. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret marrying asshat (believe it or not). Marrying him is the reason I have Barbie, Jr. And she's my life. But would I do it all over again? Hell no.

If I had it to do all over again there are a million things I would do different. He would cater to ME, not me to him. He would be the one making the effort to see me, not me driving to see him and to watch him sleep. I would be more independent. Spending time away from him, rather than spending all my time with him. And rather than me calling and begging to make amends when we fight, he would be the one crawling back to me. I've created this monster. I know that. Had I nipped this shit in the bud when we were dating, I wouldn't be where I am now. I probably wouldn't even be married to him.

My life revolved around him. I went to his house, he rarely came to mine. I had to spend all the time I could with him. He would sleep while I was there and I would get pissed, but I let it go on. Even back then, everything was about him. I was the one to give, give, give and sacrifice. I was the one who would call bawling my eyes out asking him to forgive me over some dumb fight we had no matter who was at fault. After 4 years, you would think you would know what you are getting yourself into. Evidently not. Maybe after 10 years you become less tolerant of someone? Less desirable. Less in love. I've become one of those people. The people who say "oh lord, don't get married." I advocate living in sin. I am the person I hated back when I was getting married. And it makes me sad. To go from the little girl who dreamed of the fairytale to the disgruntled, cynical, jaded wife who lives a miserable existence.

I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe happiness and marriage go together. And I sure as hell don't believe in the fairy tale. There IS no such thing as a glass slipper. And there is no Prince Charming.

It's taken me many years, but I again believe. I'm no longer miserable. I'm no longer lonely. In the past 6 months, I've learned to love myself first and foremost.