Thursday, March 21, 2013

100 random things

Apparently, this is my 100th blog entry post-divorce.  I wonder what I'd be up to if I still had up my archives???  Anyway, I will attempt to tell you 100 random things.  Some you might already know, some you may not.  Let's see how I do:

  1. I have a Barbie poster hanging in my current bedroom.
  2. I currently have 3 cats, a dog of my own and a foster dog
  3. My toenails are painted purple
  4. My fingernails are painted black
  5. My hair is the longest it has been in 20 plus years
  6. I'm happier overweight than I was when I was thin
  7. I spent half my life in a relationship with my ex-husband
  8. I have several nicknames including: Fred, Freddie, Froffie and the newest Froffles
  9. I have 5 tattoos
  10. Most of the shirts in my wardrobe are black or gray
  11. I stocked up on Puffs tissues with Vicks because you can only find them in the winter
  12. I have an older sister
  13. My parents are both retired
  14. I was a majorette in high school
  15. I also played clarinet
  16. I can no longer read music
  17. I wish I could sing
  18. I am a ridiculously, hopeless romantic
  19. I believe in love
  20. I believe in prince charming
  21. I believe this is why I am and will always be single
  22. My obsession with Vincent D'Onofrio is starting to wane because the last few pictures I saw of him he looked like my grandpa
  23. I have terrible allergies
  24. I hated the series 50 Shades of Grey
  25. I also read all the Twilight series
  26. I have high blood pressure
  27. I have asthma
  28. I have a pink bicycle
  29. I'm proud that Barbie Jr. can now ride a bike
  30. I'm sick of being broke
  31. I'm bitter when people abuse "the system"
  32. I think I'm an attention whore
  33. I think Adam Levine is ridiculously hot
  34. I have a girl crush on Emma Stone
  35. I think I need to start going to church more and partying less
  36. I sometimes think I am a horrible person and that must be why things sometimes suck for me
  37. I need to clean up dog poop from the yard
  38. I think it's funny I just said poop in my blog
  39. I battle depression and anxiety daily
  40. I can't wait for warmer weather because I'm too wimpy to take walks in the cold
  41. It annoys me when people walk really fast and I can't keep up with them and they act like jerks about it
  42. My parents have 3 cats
  43. My sister has a dog
  44. My niece is more like me and Barbie Jr is more like my sister
  45. I have forgiven Ken for the things he put me through but will never forget
  46. I have a LOT to get done at work tomorrow
  47. One of my favorite movies is Hope Floats
  48. I cannot wait for baseball to begin
  49. I wish I had some iced tea
  50. I'm halfway done with my randomness
  51. I have developed hair attachment.  Meaning it now makes me anxious to think of getting my hair trimmed.
  52. My hairdresser and my daughter have the same name only spelled different
  53. One of my cats is named Sheldon Cooper
  54. I have never watched Old Yeller
  55. I love all the memories and feelings that music brings to me.  Even sad ones.
  56. I'm afraid I will run out of things to watch on Netflix
  57. I'm named from the middle names of both my parents
  58. I need new clothes
  59. I spend entirely too much time on Facebook
  60. I used a ridiculous amount of text messages this month
  61. I hate talking on the phone
  62. My friend is upset with me and I feel really bad and sad and wish I could go back in time and change things
  63. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday
  64. My favorite song of all time is At Last by Etta James
  65. See, I told you I was a hopeless romantic
  66. I dislike Dr. Oz and have no reason.  I just don't like the man
  67. The Andy Griffith Show, Bonanza and MASH all make me want to stab myself in the eyeballs
  68. I could watch the Golden Girls every day
  69. I was the 69th person with my last name to have an e-mail account at Marshall University.  So my e-mail was BarbieGirl'sLastName69 at marshall dot edu
  70. I say that like people don't really know who I am
  71. But Ted Bundy might be reading my blog
  72. Speaking of which, serial killers fascinate me
  73. I love sleeping during rain and thunderstorms
  74. I love to cuddle
  75. Kisses on the forehead are the best thing ever
  76. Kisses on the nose are the second best thing ever
  77. I could wear flip flops year round
  78. I'm excited to go shopping Saturday so I can buy some new flip flops
  79. I have discovered the many amazing uses of Coconut Oil
  80. My depression has been so bad lately I haven't even been able to motivate myself to crochet
  81. I have a new obsession with pretzels
  82. I put Grape Nuts in my yogurt
  83. I am the only person on the planet excited to see The Hangover 3
  84. I have a massive crush on Zach Galifianakis
  85. I can't wait to be able to plant flowers
  86. Sheldon Cooper is standing on my boob
  87. I am feeling mild to moderately panicky this evening
  88. I am getting very sleepy
  89. I didn't sleep well last night
  90. I just remembered I need to get fuel on my way to work
  91. I wish it would be warm next week while Barbie Jr and I are off
  92. I miss my Barbie Jr awfully bad
  93. My sister just had a birthday
  94. I need to buy her a present
  95. I love to take bubble baths
  96. I feel lonely often
  97. I miss being a part of a couple sometimes
  98. I've been at my job almost 12 years
  99. I don't own a lawn mower
  100. It makes me giddy when I sign in and have comments on my blog
And there you have it.  Just a bunch of randomness. If you read it gold stars, but I don't really expect you too.  Here's to 100 more posts!

Mirror, mirror

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my ex-husband and what transpired between us 2 years ago. Every day when I look at myself in the mirror, I am reminded of what happened that day.  A day that opened my eyes and showed me what I needed to do.

Oddly enough, even though I think about it every single day, this year, the date passed and I didn't even realize it until today.  I'd like to think it's because I have put all that behind me.  At least, I hope that's what it is.  I've come a long way since that day. I'm a different person now than I was, but one thing has become abundantly clear to me, I am not so sure I like the person I have started to become.

There have been many things over the past couple of years I am not proud of.  I've done some pretty stupid things while trying to soul search and find myself.  Yeah, we all make mistakes.  My problem? I keep making them.  The biggest thing I dislike about myself is my apparent inability to speak up for myself.  It's a work in progress.  The fact that I find myself being agreeable just to get along.  That's bullshit.

My depression is pretty much spiraling right now.  No worries, I'd never want to harm myself or anyone else, I just don't want to eat or get out of bed, or I want to eat too much.  I find myself sitting and staring at things, unable to focus, unable to concentrate.  When Barbie, Jr. is with me, I do much better, but I still find my mind wandering.  I need to find another therapist I trust.  Not one who looks at me and says, But you have it all figured out, why are you here.  No, I don't have it all fucking figured out, that is why I WAS going.  I find myself getting this way every winter.  And within a week's time period I ended a relationship and paid my last respects to a friend.  That's enough to make a normal person sad.

This week, the level of depression has been pretty high.  The week started off on a bad note, I have the flu, and way too much time to think, which is why I was reminded of the fact that the date passed and I didn't even remember.  Now try and follow me.  It started with me watching the Runaway Bride.  And afterwards thinking about Maggie's failed relationships and how I can relate to that.  And from that goofy movie I realized, like Maggie, in the movie, in relationships, I tend to conform and be agreeable, not standing up for myself, and the end result is, not revealing my true self.  I need to remind myself that it's okay not to like eggs, or disagree on things.  It's okay if something is said that I don't like to speak up and defend myself or my position.  It's okay to be ME.  Because not allowing myself be who I am, leads to where I am right now. And leads to me looking in the mirror and not liking what I see.  It repeats the pattern of my past.  Because that's the girl who I was in the past, was the girl who never stood up for herself, who agreed just to keep peace, who was never herself.  And it ends.  Now.

So here you go.  Here's the real me:

I'm broke as fuck. I can barely keep my head above water financially.  I wouldn't even calling it living paycheck to paycheck.  It's more like robbing Peter to pay Paul. I could go to a better paying job but could not find anything benefit wise that compares to what I'm getting now.  My insurance being the biggest thing.  It's pretty good and I pay very little.  My stomach stays in knots trying to figure out how I'm going to get through.  I applied for public assistance but I make about $1,000 too much a year, if that.  

My credit is beyond horrendous. My smartest move is probably to file for bankruptcy but see above.  I can't afford to.  

I hate to clean.  Don't get me wrong, I do it, but it isn't my favorite thing to do.  I have at least a basket of laundry to do at any given time.  Sometimes probably clean clothes because I hate to fold them and put them away.

I'm way too flirty. I know this.  It gets me into all sorts of predicaments.  I need to dial it down a notch.

I feel like I am not truly passionate about anything. I just feel sort of meh all the time.  And you know what I hate the most, when someone asks me what I'm thinking at that moment.  The last boyfriend did this constantly.  And you know what, often times, I'm thinking random thoughts like: I'd really like to have my yarn with me right now; wonder what my pets are doing; I'm spending too much time away from them, I really should stop that; wonder what I will have for lunch tomorrow; I need to tell such and such this or that.  Usually, my thoughts are not profound. 

I need to get off my ass and exercise but I don't wanna (see the topic of depression).  And yes I KNOW I would feel better.  I KNOW I would sleep better.  I KNOW 8 hours of sleep a night is a MUST.  But whatever, fucking bite me.

That's it for now. There are more horrible, revealing traits about me I know, but I'm tired and God forbid I don't get my rest.  That all being said, I'm working on it. I'm working on me.  I'm working on the bad things and trying to make them good.  But until then, until I truly can love what I see, I probably should avoid looking in the mirror.