Step Away From The Barbies

My last post was about how I refused to be irrelevant. I posted it the day before my 42nd birthday.  It was and is a phrase that has stuck with me.  I haven't blogged since, although I have been planning to. So months later, here On my birthday I received an anonymous gift of a beautiful Edible Arrangement with the attached card: I want whoever you are to know, I carry this with me in my wallet every single day.  I have a few special things that I keep with me always, a drawing Savannah did, a poem she wrote me to tell me everything would be fine when her dad and I were in an ugly custody battle, and now this.  Whoever you are, your kind gesture holds a spot among the most treasured things I carry with me day in and day out.  I take it out when I am having an especially down day to remind myself that I do matter.  That I am relevant. Yesterday was one of those days.  I was feeling down, unloved, unappreciated, so I took the note out and read...

After insisting to my friends at work that I had *tried* to watch "Grace and Frankie" I discovered that I lied.  I had watched maybe 15 minutes of the show.  So I gave it a second chance.  I'm about halfway through the first season and something the character Grace said hit me like a ton of bricks.  "I refuse to be irrelevant." I. Refuse. To. Be. Irrelevant. To me it is a powerful statement.  And one I need to relate to more.  Because I can so related to feeling irrelevant these days.  I feel like I don't matter.  I mean of course, there are people I matter to, and others who make me feel irrelevant.  Who make me feel like my presence doesn't matter.  And I blame myself. Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't even care.  I've always been all woohoo, my birthday is coming up.  This year? I could care less.  It's a Tuesday.  I have zero expectations.  I'm sure people on Facebook will wish me happy birthday, but ...

Heck, I don't even know if anyone still reads my madness or not.  But here I am, posting again.   Let's see, since my last post Barbie Jr has officially become a teenager and Barbie Girl is a mother yet again.   A teenager and a newborn, should be interesting.   I've been off work several months due to pregnancy related health issues and just hope to have a job to return to.  As scary as becoming a mother again was, it has all come back to me.  My whole world is officially complete.  My life is better than I ever could have imagined.  I've come a long way. A really long way.

I don't post a whole lot.  Some because I'm too busy, some because I start and then draw a blank and mostly because I don't have a laptop and trying to type all my ramblings is nearly impossible from a smart phone.  (Edited to add that after typing that last sentence I searched the interwebs and found a bluetooth keyboard!! How did I not know this existed??) Right now I'm overwhelmed with life.  I'm pregnant, now unmedicated, trying to continue to grasp the million aspects of my new job, trying to get my house and my life in order in preparation of the baby, worried about my niece who is having health issues, and heartbroken over my father who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia.  Everything would be difficult while medicated but unmedicated I feel like a ticking timebomb.  And add to that my weight and age during this pregnancy and the worry of any possible health issues for the baby. I started this post yesterday so I don't really know where I was goin...

I know I'm alone in this one, I love the snow.  I freaking love it.  The minus degree temps, not so much, but I do, I love it.  Now don't get me wrong, if I lived in New England I have no doubt, I'd be quite over it by now.  But I don't live there, I live here, so damnit I'm going to enjoy it. Which brings me to the reason for my post.  Apparently I am the only parent in the history of the world who never minded being stuck at home with my child.  I loved snow days.  I loved the snuggling and watching movies or cartoons all day.  And even now, I was a little sad I didn't have my Barbie Jr. with me the past few days.  She's with her dad this week and I've been snowed in.  She usually does her own thing when she's at home but I still missed her. So when you start to complain, this kid is driving me crazy, or I must get away from him/her/them, remember, they grow up.  Life is short.  Enjoy them while you have them.  And m...

It's taken all the way up until Christmas Eve but BG has finally found her Christmas Spirit.  A two week bought with the flu and several rounds of steroids have taken their toll on this ol' gal.  But finally, it's here and I'm so excited for the upcoming days. This time yesterday I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  By the time I left work I was so agitated and worked up that I was nearly in panic attack mode.  I took a deep breath, collected myself and got down to business.  I finished my shopping and wrapped all my gifts.  Now I won't promise the gifts are pretty, but by golly they are wrapped. I am almost always happy anymore but I woke up cheerful today.  Like a weight had been lifted.  Of course that can also go back to the boyfriend who acknowledged my stress yesterday and bent over backwards to pitch in and do whatever he could to ease things up on my plate, right down to making sure dinner was covered.  And why?  Because...

It's pretty sad, I blog so seldom, I had to go back and see what my last post was about.  And when.  Nearly 4 months have passed and there have been so many more changes in my life. The big change is, I was granted an amazing job opportunity that I couldn't turn down.  So on August 15, I said goodbye to the job I'd held for over 13 years.  It was time for a change.  I'm still a paralegal but it's a completely different setting and better pay.  I can finally afford to give my daughter the things she needs and deserves without worrying how to make ends meet. Really that's the biggest change.  There have been minor changes some of which I may have already mentioned within my family.  Good and bad but we know things could always get worse so we manage.  My dad's health has been failing for some time and we now know he has early stages of dementia.  Being a daddy's girl, it's difficult to see, but I cherish the time I have with him. Bar...

While going on an office purge, I came across something I forgot I even had.  The printed archives from this blog.  All the posts prior to what is now my first post. I stared into that rearview mirror for a moment.  Contemplating keeping those pages.  A good start to my autobiography maybe?  I am sure there were quite a few things I rambled about that I have even forgotten.  And what good would it do to keep them anyway?  So I ripped off that rearview mirror and did something very theraputic.  I walked to the shredder and fed every page through.  I then deleted the archives that were saved on my computer. For a split second I regretted it.  But then I realized, those were old memories, hurtful memories, things I have moved past.  So why keep them, to reopen the wounds?  It was satisfying.  I have found forgiveness. I have moved on and I love the life I have now.  But as I shredded those last pages, I couldn't h...

It's been 157 days since my last post.  Hahaha, I feel like I'm in some sort of confession.  But yes, I did calculate how many days.  One reader commented, "A quite Barbie Girl is a happy Barbie Girl", and yes, it's true. Oh, how life has changed in the past 157 days.  I've gotten fatter (no I'm not pregnant).  Barbie Jr. has gotten smarter (she's going into 6th grade).  I've increased the size of my zoo (not so small anymore).  And I have a new zip code. The beginning of the year brought struggles with Barbie Jr and her grades.  I am proud to report with hard work and some med adjustments my gal brought her grades up significantly.  I am so increcibly proud of the amazing young woman she's becoming.  My once 21 inch tall baby almost looks me in the eyes now.  And loves fashion.  And looks darn cute in braces. A few months back, she and I packed up our small zoo and moved in with the boo.  I don't want to call him Ke...

A friend of mine who still apparently reads my blog commented that he'd figured out, a quiet Barbie girl = a happy Barbie girl. And it's the truth. I've found a happiness, contentment and peace with my life that I had forgotten was possible. Or didn't know was possible.  Quite frankly, I don't think I have ever been so at peace with life ever.  And it's not about having someone, though I know he plays a part in this, it's about for the first time maybe ever, me truly loving who I am.  Accepting life and ready to face anything thrown my way.  Not allowing myself to dwell on what could happen but to embrace and love the now.  To live life for what is happening today.  And let me tell you, it works. The last three years have been one hell of a roller coaster ride.  A ride at times, I didn't handle very well.  But I wouldn't go back and change a thing.  It's all led me to today.  To where I am.  To my peace.  To my happiness...

I don't know where to start.  As I stated, I'm happy.  Very happy. But it's not just about finding someone.  It's about all the things.  Rekindling my relationship with God. (okay, so maybe it IS about finding someone) Letting go of years of bitterness and anger and resentment.  Spending the past year with someone who brick by brick has singlehandedly brought down the walls I had built up around my heart.  Finding inspiration at church again. Tuesday I leave with my fella on a trip overnight to visit his parents.  I'm meeting the parents.  It's been 19 years and 8 months since I met parents.  I'm a nervous wreck, but I was 18 the last time I met parents so I have to be less awkward now than I was then, right?  I'm excited at the same time. Since returning to church and finding my faith again, I've noticed many things.  For one, I am happier.  I find that I am more understanding and tolerant of people.  I find that I wa...

But really, I am okay!  Clearly, if you are reading this, you think I am confused.  And clearly, if you are reading this, then you probably know me and you KNOW I am always confused.  But it's okay. As usual, my life consists of a whole pile of chaos.  And that's okay too.  I always have some random, bizarre ongoing in my life and I've accepted that. But the more I move forward, the more the fog lifts and the more I realize that despite the randomness, despite the battles, I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  I'm growing more and more content with each passing day. Yesterday I would consider one of my top ten days of my adult life.  It was a simple, perfect day from start to finish.  You probably expect some big spectacular story but it wasn't that.  It consisted of going to church with my mother, spending the afternoon with her, my nephew and my dad, continuing that time into late evening, cooking for my nephew and I, and my boyfriend...

Over the past 3 years my life has been a constant roller coaster.  3 years ago I was this sad, miserable, insecure separated woman who was terrified.  Things got worse, then much worse, then better.  Then worse again, well, you get the picture. I still have ongoing battles, but the good by far outweighs the bad.  My Barbie Jr. is doing well, is settled into our routine, and seems to look forward to seeing her dad.  I have for once focused on me, trying to get healthy.  No, I don't bust my ass in the gym 4 and 5 days a week every single week, but even on the weeks I only get there once or twice, it's still more than I was doing a year ago.  I feel better.  My outlook on life is better.  It's taking time and I'm being patient.  I didn't gain weight and become a ticking time bomb of health overnight and I'm not going to fix it overnight.  Aside from a few issues I feel good mostly.  I have my moody days but that's normal.  ...

It seems ironic to me that in a weeks span of time not only did I realize that I'm finally happy with my life, that I also learn my past is coming back to haunt me.  I've reached the point where I'm doing well.  I'm happy.  I have a boyfriend.  I'm taking care of myself.  I did my first ever 5k.  I'm finally getting my shit together.  The ironic part being, I've moved past what happened to me 2 1/2 years ago... or so I thought. I learned today that during that moment when my life forever changed, that my life did indeed forever changed.  The day it happened I went to the ER and was diagnosed with a concussion. What was missed was that I had had whiplash and a fractured c-6 vertebra. Basically, the most severe whiplash you can suffer. So this person who was supposed to love me, attacked me with such force that it fractured my neck.    And because it was never diagnosed, it didn't heal properly, so I now suffer from pain in my neck and nu...

I've been a real pain in the ass lately.  Mean, horrible and bitchy.  Tonight I have been tearful.  That's just not me anymore. And I've thought.  A lot.  I'm not sure why I'm like this.  The only solution I can come up with is the fact that I will be 38 in 2 days. 3 years ago when I turned 35, I knew in my gut it would be a life changing year. I didn't know how, I just knew something big was going to happen.  A few weeks after my birthday, I found out about the affair.  It was a needed change, but during that year all I felt was numbness.  And I was overwhelmed. 36 I had hoped would be better.  It wasn't.  That was the start of Barbie, Jr's separation anxiety.  Therapy. The start of the custody case. 37 I just knew things would be great.  It was also the start of alternating weeks with Barbie Jr.  My having to move (which was a positive thing in the end). And battling it out with my ex-landlord.  Could hav...

It's come to my attention that I'm known to a couple people as WOW.  I'm venturing to guess it stands for Wicked Ol Witch.  I could be wrong, but I'm probably not.  I find it hilarious actually.  Why you ask?  Because it means that I get under your skin SO MUCH that you came up with a nickname for me.  That's classic.  Thanks for the amusement. Thanks for the realization that for some reason, you are threatened by me.  And all I ever did was be me! It seems as though you are mistaken however. It seems you are under the misconception that I am unhappy.  Don't confuse my blog posts with how I am.  Yes, I blog real, raw, deep down feelings.  But I leave them there.  That doesn't mean I sit around sad and down and depressed all the time.  Here's a secret, for the most part, I am HAPPY!  *gasp*  What!?!?!?!  The last time I recall crying, even just a little bit, was at a funeral about a month ago.  Gue...

A little over a month ago, the story of a local dog touched our hearts.  He was found in a ditch, injured, was taken in where he laid in a garage for 3 days, could not stand, he was fed but the person was just waiting for the shelter to open to take him in.  The lovely group of ladies that I foster for, found out, was able to get him and rushed him to the vet. A month ago today he underwent extensive surgery to his leg and pelvis. Going in, it was uncertain as to whether or not he would even be able to keep his leg.  During surgery it was discovered that his injuries were most likely a few weeks old.  Luckily, his leg was repaired and stabilized with a pin.  That weekend I was asked to foster him. I was nervous. I have fostered in the past many times but he would require crate rest and different care than I was used to.  Reluctantly I agreed to it.  I picked him up on July 8th. In the days following I was put at ease. I would have to carry him of...

So I had "the" mother of all scares over the past couple weeks.  The "c" word scare.  Let me tell you, it wasn't fun.  Luckily the doctor acted quickly and got the ball rolling, but that didn't mean I didn't have plenty of time to think.  Especially driving in a car for 12 hours thinking about things.  Thinking about if I really did have breast cancer what would that mean.  How much it would change my life.  Would it be early would it be advanced.  God forbid, would I die.  If it wasn't cancer (thank God it wasn't) how I needed to take better care of myself health wise and get back in the getting healthy groove.  How I need to get weight off, my cholesterol and blood pressure down because I don't want to die young.  I realize we are not guaranteed to live another day, but it was a real wake up call that I'm basically playing Russian Roulette with my life by not taking care of myself. My summer is going great.  I can keep my b...

So yeah, despite what a few people think and despite my funk a while back, I'm happy.  And all it took was me chilling, being happy with what I have and realizing I have pretty fantastic people in my life.  It's not about finding someone or fitting in, its about living in each day and enjoying each day.

Brace yourselves, I've had  an epiphany.  Guys, I AM HAPPY!  I don't really know what exactly made me realize this but I did.  Maybe it's because Barbie Jr. is with me for the summer. Maybe because I'm looking forward to summer fun with Jr, my friends and their kids. Maybe because I realized that I have enough guy friends to hang out with to remind me that I'm glad I'm single.  Does it matter? No.  All that does matter is that I have once again found my happy.