Step Away From The Barbies

Really?

2012-01-05T23:35:00.001-05:00

I'm writing this with the knowledge that there still are A FEW good, decent, honest men out there. Not ones who pretend they don't have a girlfriend and claim to miss you when they want to hook up. I'm not a booty call, if you wanted me, you shoulda held on to me the first go round, just sayin'.

It's a realllllly small world boys. I may just know your girlfriend even if she doesn't live around here anymore.

Poor, poor pitiful me

2012-01-04T19:44:00.001-05:00

Barbie Jr. is breaking my heart. I spent an hour this morning trying to calm her from crying when I took her to school. Get an e-mail from her teacher at the end of the day that she wrote a story in writing about her mommy and daddy not being together and making her cry. Cue the meltdown.

I've officially worn down. Found my breaking point. I'm exhausted from worry and stress. Anxious. Nervous. And just feeling blah in general.

Of course it doesn't help matters that when I tried to talk to asshat about things he got all tough love. Sadly, I wish I thought that was coming from him and not his girlfriend. Then he wanted to question her meds. Again, hello girlfriend. This evening when Barbie Jr called me she broke down and wanted to come home. I never feed into it. I always encourage her to stay there insisting that her daddy misses her and she needs to spend time with him. I tell her to go talk to him and tell him why she's upset. Within two minutes I have a shouting phone call from him wanting to know what is going on and why is she crying.

For once, just for once, for the sake of our only child, I just wish he would man up, grow a pair of balls and actually want to do what is right for her rather than doing what he always does, which is find someone to blame. I wish for once he could do the right thing and make a decision on his own, or have an independent thought.

I feel like a failure as a parent. I know I did everything possible to hold us together as a family and failed. I should have gotten her into counseling earlier, but she seemed fine, so yet again I failed. And now, he wants to accuse me of babying her or loving her too much. How dare he. Apparently, I'm the only love and comfort she finds right now and I wish he could see that. It's hurting her, him, and their relationship. But we all know, in typical asshat form, in the end, I'll get the blame. I always do.

Reflections

2011-12-31T21:05:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, (hahaha, meaning my 2 or 3 "fans") last year was a pretty rough one. I could go through each thing but that would probably cause me some anxiety and possibly some drinking. Or crying. Or screaming. So we'll leave it at, it wasn't the best.

But the truth be told, I wouldn't go back and change any of it. Not even that moment where I was headbutted and pretty sure for a split second that I was dead.

My year ended well. Christmas Eve I was mopey and all feeling sorry for myself. Barbie, Jr. was with her dad and I was home alone. I won't lie, I spent the entire day in bed sulking. Christmas day Santa brought me my Christmas Spirit. Watching the joy in Barbie, Jr's face as she opened her gifts was priceless.

I spent lots of time with my girl over Christmas break. She spent New Year's Eve with her dad and I spent mine with my parents and my nephew. We laughed, and acted silly and fed the cat cheese. And of course I had my crochet with me. :)

This year has already started out better. It's going to be a good one, I just know it. I won't settle for anything less than freaking fabulous!

Fa la la la la

2011-12-15T12:53:00.002-05:00

Life just hates me I'm convinced. The latest being, I had to shell out $600 in car repairs this week. Yep, just before Christmas.

Bazinga!

2011-12-05T23:20:00.001-05:00

I keep looking at the clock making sure it's not April Fools day. Or waiting for someone to jump from around a corner and tell me everything is one big joke.

First off my cell phone went "bloop" and then died. That happened the day after I figured out my debit card info had been stolen/hacked and someone got me for over $200. I barely had an extra $200 laying around. It's slowly but surely getting sorted out.

This after the most recent drama in my life which would be Savannah doesn't want to go with her dad. The last 2 out of 3 times she went for an overnight with him she sobbed until she made herself sick wanting to be with me. It all began around Thanksgiving. Initially I thought maybe it was because I had been upset over the cat. But it continued. It's hard to see her like this. When she thinks she is going to have to go she gets hives. And from my standpoint, it's the most difficult thing ever. I don't know what is going on in her head, I can't fix it, and I feel helpless.

There is a Santa Claus!!

2011-12-04T15:51:00.001-05:00

I know because I have seen Santa not once, but twice, waving along Rt. 60. I even embarrassed Barbie, Jr. by honking at him and shouting HI SANTA out the window.

This year Barbie, Jr. is at that age where she's skeptical. I came across a pretty neat website where you can make a personalized video and send it to your child. The look in her eyes as she watched it was priceless. Even better was after the video was over she says to me, "MOM! I think Santa's been creeping on me on Facebook!" But it took me back to when I was her age.

My grandfather, Dr. Harold E. Ward, was a professor at Marshall University. When he began at Marshall, it was still known as Marshall College. He was probably one of the smartest people I ever known. I was only fifteen when he passed and I wish I had been able to learn more from him.

As I was growing up, I recall many times that he would take my cousins and I to his annual Christmas party at school. And every year, Santa would be there. I would see him and tell him what I wanted. As I mentioned, I was probably around my daughter's age when I became skeptical. I questioned everything about Santa, and my grandfather was hell bent on making me continue to believe. So as usual, we got dressed up and attended the Christmas party. This particular year I recall my grandfather asking me to hand deliver a special gift to Santa. I did as asked and I believe Santa gave me a gift in return. I don't remember the details but there was something about that visit that made me realize, he indeed was really Santa Claus.

Even after I quit believing, I continued to attend the parties. The last one I remember attending I believe was the last Christmas my grandfather was with us. He had retired by then and was teaching at the southern branch of Ohio University at that time. Imagine my surprise when Santa Claus was there as well. There was still something about him that made my heart happy.

It was September 1991, when we lost my grandfather and about 6 years later, while having a discussion with my mom that I realized finally who Santa had been. Santa had been my grandfather's dear friend Dr. Sam Clagg. I recall he would usually come visit with us at these parties, or sit at our table, and managed to slip off unnoticed.

I have thought about that story many times through the years. I've seen Mr. Clagg out a few times as the years have passed and have wanted to shout SANTA! Although, he would have no clue who I was. But for now, wherever he is, I'd like to thank him for renewing a little girl's faith in the Christmas spirit and for giving the woman she's grown up to be such lovely childhood Christmas memories. And to my papaw, who I know is looking down on me every day, I love you and I miss you.

Big. Fat. Phooey.

2011-11-30T19:09:00.001-05:00

I'm in one of those moods where I feel like the world is against me. One where I feel panicked, like my breath is being taken from me. It's been a really long time since I felt this way, in fact, I was probably married the last time I felt like that. I just feel like I want to sit and cry.

Typically we try and find things to be thankful for in November. I could name a million things I'm thankful for, and at the end of the day, even the things that are stressing me out right now are pretty minor. I just feel like it's been one blow after another this month. Pneumonia, asthma, flooding, vet bills, sick cats, broken dryers, broken wallet and now, my car is effed up. All while trying to Christmas shop. They'll let me buy things on my looks alone, right? Not that I'd get very far in that department with this rudolph nose, pale face and bags under my eyes from lack of sleep due to stress.

And now, the "girlfriend" has requested to talk to me. I have no clue why, but it better be something stupid and not something (like my child) that is none of her business.

Not to mention, I'm really worried about Barbie Jr. She seems quiet these days and gives me little to no insight on what's going on in her mind. On top of it all, I've convinced myself I caused Dolly's back injury when I gave her a bath at the beginning of the month. It was after that when she started to have problems. It makes me physically ill to think I may have been the cause of it.

I feel like I want to just crawl in a hole and stay there. Or hibernate for the winter. A bubble bath would be great but I don't have any fucking clean towels because my dryer is broke and I haven't made it to the laundromat because oh, it costs a lot of quarters, which I haven't had.

Big. Fat. Phooey!

We all have ability. The difference is how we use it. --Stevie Wonder

2011-11-29T22:57:00.001-05:00

So, things have started to look up for Barbie Girl. In the past 10 days I've logged about 6 or 7 hours in at the vet's office. I've had a wonderful Thanksgiving, with my family. And I've been reminded of how blessed I am.

This time last week, if you had told me Miss Dolly would still be with us, I would have thought you were crazy. I feel like I know the people at the veterinarian's office by now. And they are wonderful, caring people. After thinking it could be a multitude of things, turns out, Dolly has severe arthritis in her back and hips. Right now it's being treated with steroids and pain meds. And of course, I'm faced with the reality that at some point, these medications may not work and I may have to make that one big decision I dread. But I will not dwell on that, I will simply enjoy the time I have with her.

She has mellowed some. Marco has taken to laying with her on the blanket, mainly because she no longer hisses or growls at him. She's been more mobile this evening, moving around the living room, whereas, she's mostly laid (or is it layed) on her makeshift bed for the past week. So I've been very pleased with her progress. The vet was too.

Thanksgiving was great. Lots of inappropriate conversation between me, my mom, my sis and my niece at the dinner table. Lots of laughs throughout the evening. The weekend was pretty good too. Movies and pottery with 2 of my favorite kids, who always cheer me up. Yeah, I'm pretty blessed.

Guess I must be wishing on someone else's star...

2011-11-23T00:27:00.001-05:00

The month of November has been difficult. Not nearly as difficult as the beginning of the year, but still difficult nonetheless. Started out with Barbie, Jr. being pretty ill, the office flooding and now, Dolly (the cat) isn't doing well. Oh, and add the "holidays" coming up, and you have one pretty bummed out Barbie Girl.

I will be honest, I thought by now I would have found someone, and maybe even someone I could take with me to family functions during the holidays. Seems as though that isn't going to happen. I seem to be having a rough time with the holidays yet again this year. I've had many reminders the past few weeks that I am indeed a "single mom". I can't get the cover back on the light hanging on the ceiling in the hallway. During Savannah's illness, only ONE person asked if they could do anything, bring me food, etc. And that was a friend. Her own father didn't even ask if she needed anything, and he's trying to argue with me over having to pay half her medical expenses. As if that is a big surprise. Then I got sick and had no one. As I got better Dolly started to get sick. I spent 3 1/2 hours in the vets office yesterday, alone, my 13 year old cats fate unknown. And I longed for someone to be there with me to console me or to tell me it would be okay. But I didn't have that. All reminders of the fact that while I have family, I still don't have that other part that makes me whole.

I'm in a way better place emotionally this year than I was last, but still, it's difficult. I long for companionship again. Someone who can take one look at me and know I need a hug. Someone to hold my hand when I have to take my sick kitty to the vet. Yeah, yeah, I've heard all the someone will come along when the time is right bullshit. I just have to wonder, what is so wrong with me that no one wants me? What is so flawed about me that I'm still alone?

Shhhh brain, I'm trying to sleep

2011-11-08T23:22:00.002-05:00

It seems as though we are on the upswing of the Barbie, Jr. illness which developed into pneumonia. Fingers crossed she continues to get better rather than get worse. Today has been her first good day in nearly a week. She is still pale but has a little more color in her face than she did a few days ago.

Needless to say, I've been exhausted. To the point of being weepy even. At night when I would try and rest my brain wouldn't shut down. Of course by the time I hit the point I thought just maybe sleep was an option, her fever would spike, she would cough and wheeze and I'd end up staying awake to watch over her. Not a complaint by any means, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I will say, I do give big kudos to Ex-Ken. He's been a real trooper through it all especially since she missed her weekend with him and her overnight tonight. He's been very understanding and patient and I'm sure he does miss her, I know she misses him. But he understands and appreciates that she mostly wants her mommy when she's sick.

I couldn't figure out why my brain would whirl. I would lay in bed consumed with thoughts of the past year. What was happening this time last year. How I spent the holidays last year so sad. Conversations that were had. Tears that were cried. And I just couldn't make it STOP. It was confusing. At first I blamed the steroids I'm on. But it finally hit me, this is the first time Barbie, Jr. has been this sick that I essentially had to do it alone. And again, I'm not complaining, just reflecting. Pre-divorce, in the old house, when she would get sick, I was able to rely on ex-Ken. We lived right on his route for his job, so in the middle of the night if I needed something, he could drop it off. I was close to everything so getting someone to drop something off to me wasn't a problem. While he often took her being sick as time to do whatever the hell he pleased once he got off work, I will say, I realize now he did help out some. So this was the first time I had to completely do it alone.

I was glad I came to that conclusion, as it was so confusing to me. I love my new life so I wasn't sure if I was longing for my old. Thankfully I wasn't. I was simply reminded again of how strong I've grown over the past year.

One of those nights..

2011-11-05T01:44:00.003-04:00

I'm exhausted. I've had a headache for 4 days that won't seem to go away despite tons of Excedrin, Motrin and Aleve. No, not truly tons, not all at the same time. Thinking maybe I have been dehydrated, I've been drinking plenty of water. Nothing. This damn headache won't leave.

The worst part being, my baby girl is now sick. Going on day three. Fever, cough, aches, etc. A virus they say. But you feel so helpless when you can't really do anything to make the misery go away. Of course plenty of TLC helps, but that only goes so far.

It's one of the few times I wish someone else were here with me. As a mother, naturally I get worried when my child is sick. It would be nice to have someone here who could hug me and tell me it will all be okay. Someone who would hold me and let me cry out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. Tonight is one of those nights I miss that part of a relationship. It's that missing link I hope to find again someday. If not, that's okay too, I know I'm strong, I'm just feeling rather weak right now.

Self-esteem and all that jazz

2011-11-02T01:29:00.000-04:00

I realized that I went on a first date for the first time since I've been dating again (okay, so I've had maybe 3 first dates?) that my nerves were due to normal first date jitters, not because I thought he would take one look at me and want to run the other way.

My other dates I truly, deep down, stressed about that. I would think, he's going to see me and run. And I believed that. It is heartbreaking to me, that I thought so little of myself to even think that way. On the other hand, I'm thankful I have finally found my place where I have more confidence, more self-esteem. Sure I stressed over the fact that my hair wouldn't cooperate, but I didn't have that fear, that little voice inside that told me, "You are fat and ugly. Why would anyone want you? He's going to look at you and run." The only voice I heard was the one telling me to just be myself and I would be fine. And I was.

I'll never be skinny again. I'll never be the prettiest girl. But I'll always be me. There's not another person on this earth like me.

Death leaves a heartache....

2011-10-21T01:38:00.001-04:00

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal and memories no one can steal."

It's hard to believe it has been 7 years since we lost my granny. For some reason, this year is especially hard on me. Because of all we've been through? Maybe. Because I know she would be proud of me? Absolutely.

I dreamt of her night before last. She was on her porch and I was driving by. I was ashamed because in my dream it had been over a year since I had been to visit her. All I know is I'd give just about anything to hear her laugh again, to see her smile and for a hug from her. I miss her so much.

If you can't take the heat....

2011-10-13T21:05:00.003-04:00

I'm very proud of myself. In all this self-transformation, the one thing I have finally realized is, it's okay to stand up for yourself. In my divorce I managed to finally take a stand, but found myself afterwards, still walking around, worrying too much about hurting feelings and less about what was best for me. I can proudly say, during the past month, and everything sort of falling into place, I realized, you're gonna hurt feelings sometimes. You can't make EVERYONE happy.

I've lost a friend or two because of this, but the bottom line is, they really weren't friends to begin with. One used me as an alibi without my knowledge and dragged me in the middle of tons of drama, the other wanted to keep me on the backburner as a potential girlfriend in case the perfect woman never came along. I made it clear that I indeed was one hell of a catch.

Guys, let me tell you something, I am all for keeping your options open if you are not in an exclusive relationship, however, it's really disrespectful, rude and downright tacky to pursue other women while in the presence of someone you claim to be interested in. This of course applies to women as well.

Yeah, he got busted. Called out. And couldn't take the heat so he decided since I spoke up for myself and called him on his bullshit that he needed to take me off his FB friends list. *Excuse me, I need to cry* Apparently he didn't like the me that told him just what I thought. Oh well, again, I'm one hell of a catch.

I like barbie and barbie, jr. land. The only drama you will find is the occasional fight between pets, raccoons getting in the trash, and occasionally me calling out asshat on allowing Ms. Asshat have too much say regarding Barbie Jr. Nobody is the boss of us (well, except for me). Don't get me wrong, my eye is out there on a few people, but I'm not pushing. I figure when the time is right, he'll come along. In the meantime I'll just enjoy the amusement and fun at Barbie Land.

You are nothing but....

2011-10-11T00:43:00.000-04:00

Dialogue from a year ago today. In the middle of Wal-Mart. Yep KLASSY!

Me: "You hurried up on your route thinking you could avoid me huh? You are nothing but a LYING sack of SHIT!"
Him: "I didn't do nothing."
Me: "Oh bullshit. Men don't send men text messages with fucking smiley faces in them. When you get home from work, you're shit will be packed and on the porch. I want you OUT!"

Best words I ever uttered in my entire life.

Don't let the sadness of your past ruin the present.....

2011-10-08T00:44:00.001-04:00

A year ago this weekend, is the weekend that changed my life. I had a conversation with a random person that spoke loud and clear and told me for once, to follow my gut. And I did. And what I found was shocking and devastating. At the time, I thought it was one of the worst moments of my life, now I realize, it was a blessing.

I went through all the right motions and cried. I cried A LOT. I felt defeated. I felt hopeless. I felt sad. I replayed the prior 12 years in my mind. All the problems we faced, the struggles we had been through, and tried to blame myself. But I couldn't. He continued to convince me he wasn't seeing the other woman, he wanted me back. But finding out he was lying to me (big surprise) and living with her is when I think I hit rock bottom. But it all made sense. And that's when my determination kicked in.

I made it through the holidays. Of course there was turmoil. He was living with her and I was seeing someone. He couldn't take it. He went crazy. Just days into the new year my father was hospitalized for complications from a surgery he'd had just after Christmas. He spent 6 weeks in the hospital and almost died. I tried to balance single motherhood with being the daughter who wanted to spend time with her sick father. Because the ex stepped up to help out so I could spend time at the hospital, his relationship with her ended. So I became his new focus. I'll admit, it was nice at first, but he soon became very controlling.

Of course this all led up to that one moment that truly opened my eyes. The morning he physically attacked me. A day doesn't go by when I don't think of it. A night doesn't go by when I don't close my eyes and see the crazed look on his face as he rears back to head butt me. The nightmares are not as frequent these days and the emotional scars are healing. He did me a favor that day. He gave me the strength and determination to make a better life for myself and for our daughter.

I set into motion, found a new home, finalized my divorce and spent the summer finding myself. While he moved in with the next woman who came along. I was never jealous, but felt sorry for him rather, I still do. To be that insecure that you can't spend a minute alone. For a while, that's what I thought I needed, was someone to fall to, but thankfully, I took the time to find me.

It hasn't been easy finding myself again. But I did. And I learned a lot about myself in the process. The main thing being, I'm an incredibly strong woman. And I'm proud of that.

As I previously wrote, I'm truly happy for the first time in years. I've made new friends, lost a few friends, reconnected with old friends. I've learned what it is to smile again. I've been reminded of how a simple compliment can make me smile from ear to ear. How a text that just says "Good morning" can make my day.

I'm thankful for that weekend a year ago. Thankful for my family and friends that have stood by me and helped me get to where I am today. Thankful for those who advised me to not "rush into anything". From this day forward, what's meant to be will happen. And I think I'm finally ready to open up my heart again.

And to quote my favorite group Lady A... "I'm ready to feel now -No longer am I afraid of the fall down. It must be time to move on now - Without the fear of how it might end. I guess I'm ready to love again"

Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Live life, laugh lots, love forever.....

2011-10-06T16:49:00.001-04:00

My new mantra. Aaaah, happy, it's nice to see you again.

Berta and Fred Pt. 1

2011-10-06T16:47:00.000-04:00

This is a story of two friends Berta and Fred**

Fred:   Blah, blah, blah, I like to crochet and do granny things.
Berta: We should do granny things together.
Fred:   I got some new crochet patterns. I'm going to make some hats.
Berta: Never EVER say that on a first, or second date.
Fred:   But what if I want to make my date a hat?
Berta: NEVER. Listen to me. You don't talk granny things on a first date.
Fred:   Fine. Third date?
Berta: *glares at Fred* No granny talk.

** names changed to protect the "innocent"

Don't worry, be happy. :)

2011-09-28T23:18:00.001-04:00

I started this blog I believe sometime around 2005 or 2006. As I mentioned before, so much of what I posted in the past, while it has a lot to do with who I am now, it was too painful and a chapter of my life that I closed, so I removed it to start fresh.

Today, I can post for the first time since I started this blog all those years ago, I am truly, fully, utterly happy. I am at a place where I like myself again. I'm single, I've lost weight, I feel great most days, I walk outside and see beauty all around me, and it's freaking wonderful.

I look in the mirror and love myself. And it's not about my appearance. I can look at myself and no longer feel shame. I look at myself and see a woman who has changed tremendously over the past year. Has faced some of the most difficult times in her life and kept plowing along stronger and with more determination. Determined to not fail. Determined to prove to mainly herself that she would survive. And I did.

I finally told my sister the other day, I had gotten to the point before separating from my ex husband, that I was almost ashamed around my niece and nephew. They know what I've been through, they've seen it. They've seen him put me down, shout at me, pout with me, act ugly. They hated him for it. They hated him for turning me into the person I was becoming. And when we finally separated, I remember both of them at different times randomly coming to me and hugging me, telling me how much they loved me and how proud they were of me. That spoke volumes to me. And even Barbie, Jr. remembers a few times when things got bad. So when I found moments of weakness, thinking maybe I should give him another chance, or thinking well, maybe he could change, I would think of the three kids. And what would that teach them if I went back? And how disappointed they would be of me. And how I needed to show Barbie Jr. that you stand up for yourself and don't settle for less than you deserve. I grew up with a father who is a lot like my ex. And for a long time, I allowed myself to repeat the cycle of what my mom went through. And thankfully, I was able to break it.

My therapist and I talked about how good it all was for Barbie, Jr. She now has a mother who is happy, and can focus on doing fun things together, rather than wanting to sit home and be sad all the time. How she has a father who now spends time with her and appreciates the time he spends with her. And he has a girlfriend who loves her and treats her like her own child. So essentially, she is surrounded with love.

It's so good to be happy once again. I had forgotten what it was like. As I told my sister, asshat did me a favor. Had he not done the things he did, I wouldn't have found happiness again. I wouldn't have found who I am. I wouldn't go back and change a thing. Everything happens for a reason, and his actions gave me the means to reinvent my life. And so far, it's freaking fabulous!

Spongebob is brilliant!

2011-09-15T00:28:00.001-04:00

Day two with my therapist (oh hey, did I mention I started seeing a therapist) and we discussed how I realized through my divorce that I have always lived my life according to how others felt I should live. I always would seek approval from family and friends before doing anything. How I often go along with things just to keep the peace. How I never speak up for myself or how I feel. How I never make decisions because I think I'm being "easy to get along with". All things I have realized.

So she gave me a chapter from a book to read as homework. It was like reading my life. I sat in the bathtub, engrossed in these 20 pages, feeling like someone was describing ME on paper. Realizing so many more things about myself that I never realized.

And of course it gave tips and examples at the end of how to break this cycle. And I must say, defriending someone on Facebook and telling them how I really felt was liberating, and fell under part of the steps to overcoming subjugation.

And the word assertive jumped out at me from the pages. And it took me to one of my favorite episodes of Spongebob where Plankton is trying to get Spongebob to be more assertive. So basically, the answer has been in front of me all along, I just chose not to see it.

Assertiveness Training

I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan!

2011-09-14T23:37:00.000-04:00

Fatal Attraction, that is the best way to describe it. You have crazy people then you have bunny boiling crazy people. Sadly, a person who was at one time supposed to be one of my best friends has become the bunny boiler.

It's over a man of course. Isn't it always. I was told the other day, "Dude, she's CRAZY jealous of you." Well, apparently so. I'm nothing to be jealous of. I'm me. I'm goofy. Sometimes an airhead. But now because someone has paid attention to me and not her, "I'll get what I deserve". Only that came from her crazy ass fake FB profile she created. I'm done, I'm over it and I'm watching my back. And still trying to figure out how to get this freaking knife out of it.

Hey you!

2011-09-07T00:27:00.000-04:00

I miss you! You know who you are. :)

20 years ago...

2011-09-06T23:34:00.002-04:00

It's hard to believe tomorrow (September 7) will mark the 20th anniversary of my grandfather's passing. He was a handsome man, incredibly smart and a veteran of WWII who received 2 purple hearts and a silver star.

I was only 15 when he passed. I was very close to him, but wish I had been able to learn more about him. I have many wonderful memories of him from him driving me to school every day when I was in elementary school, the little songs he used to sing to us, his athletic shorts with dress socks and shoes, the list goes on and on. He was the first person to teach me how to use a computer. A Commodore 64.

I also recall how difficult it was watching him deteriorate as his illness worsened to the point he became almost childlike. During the summer before he passed, I remember him randomly starting to cry and telling me to never use drugs. Or his dislike for the garden guy on tv. Or how he wanted a piece of the meatloaf my mom had made him, and I was such a dumb kid, when my grandma told me to put it in the microwave for 35 minutes, I did. Needless to say it burnt. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried because I thought I had let him down. I felt the same way the night he died. I laid in the floor of his hospital room and fell asleep and didn't get to say goodbye. But I know he knew I loved him.

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents on the weekends and during the summer. The summer I was diagnosed with asthma was no different. I recall having probably one of my first asthma attacks while being at their house. My grandfather was no stranger to asthma. I of course was terrified and starting to get excited. I remember my grandfather standing over me with his booming voice telling me it would be okay and to stay calm. That getting upset would only make it worse. To this day, I can still hear his voice telling me it will be okay.

I miss you so much Papaw! I love you!

Agony

2011-08-16T22:43:00.000-04:00

Agony is wanting what you can't have.

Change in all things is sweet. --Aristotle

2011-08-09T00:43:00.007-04:00

I always get a little melancholy when school starts back up. I'm not one of those parents who looks forward to it. Fact is, even though I work during the day, I miss all the time I get to spend with Barbie, Jr. when she's not in school. A new school year is another year closer to my baby girl growing up.

I had a discussion with her dad today about how much she's changed and how she's adapted to the changes in her life with such ease. And what a good kid she is and how proud we are of her. But the whole discussion, and the fact that we managed to have a discussion, made me think about all the changes that have happened over the past year.

I knew this time last year that 35 was going to be a life changing year for me. I didn't know why, I just felt it in my gut. And shortly after turning 35, is when my world began to change. I am a completely different woman than I was. I'm still the goofy, not so shy anymore, loud, silly, not afraid to be me woman I used to be, but I'm new and improved. I've become a stronger woman. I've become an independent woman. And I've become the woman who refuses to settle any longer. I spent half my life in a relationship and settling for a hell of a lot less than I deserved. I spent many years unhappy and paralyzed with fear. I no longer live my life that way. I no longer live my life according to how others believe I should. I now live my life the way I want to live it. I life my life for me.

Broken

2011-07-29T23:47:00.002-04:00

The heart wants what the heart wants. Seems always to be what you can't have.

Sometimes we just know

2011-07-20T07:49:00.003-04:00

Strength. A simple word, with a big meaning. Dictionary.com defines it as:

the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.
mental power, force, or vigor.
moral power, firmness, or courage.

It's amazing what I have learned about myself over the past year. I have been through so much. And I will tell anyone who asks, it has made me a much stronger person. I never realized what strength I had until it was all I had to rely on.

I've been hurt, and have been the one to hurt others. Oddly, the one person I regret hurting the most is the one person who needs my strength more than anything right now.

I live by the belief, everything happens for a reason. I don't know. Maybe I am just rambling from lack of sleep. All I know is, I can't let him down again.

And what scares me the most, "The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back." Sweet Home Alabama

Panic. Sadness. Hurt.

2011-06-29T22:50:00.002-04:00

Feelings you experience when you realize you made a mistake.

The fear of having my heart broken caused me to let go of someone I now realize I deeply cared about. Combined with a controlling, abusive ex-husband who threatened harm if that person kept coming around. And now all I am left with is sadness in my heart. Why must I be so damn stubborn and afraid?

Fears...

2011-06-28T14:02:00.002-04:00

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of falling. I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of what's in it. I'm not afraid to love, I'm afraid of not being loved back.

This quote sums it up so perfectly.

Sadness

2011-06-23T02:06:00.002-04:00

I'm really sad today and I don't know why. Of course breaking a tooth and smashing a deer with my car might be contributing, they aren't the main reasons. I just seem to feel so empty and alone right now. It all really hit me when I did hit the deer. I was already bummed about going home to an empty house, and when I hit the deer, my first instinct would have been to call asshat before, but I ended up calling my mom instead. I miss the companionship. Miss having that person to call on my way to work every morning. And I'm so proud of how far I've come in the past few months and how much all of this has changed me. So I would never want to be back where I was. I know or at least I hope I will find someone someday, but it's gonna be awfully lonely in the meantime.

Who me???

2011-06-17T17:12:00.001-04:00

Who has not just one, but two hot dates this weekend? Why yes, yes I do. Don't wait up!!!!

But it's all I have

2011-06-17T09:42:00.002-04:00

So here's the thing. Since we separated in October, I have lived solely on my income. My income which is half of what my ex-makes. And I have made it. I have had some help from my mom and sister, but mostly, I have made it on my income alone. He's given me $50 here and there but I haven't seen any child support. His claim, he was putting a roof over my head (he did make the house payment, which was half of what his child support is). Yeah, he did, but he still owed me.

He's now a month behind. He was supposed to go on Friday to catch up but apparently told them "all he could pay" was $150. I know for a fact he just bought a new flat screen tv for $250. He went to Tennessee over Memorial Day weekend and is going on vacation the second week of July. He drinks like a fish and goes through over 10 cans of Copenhagen in a week. Not to mention gambling and anything else he spends his money on.

On top of that a friend overheard him telling someone that his "fucking bitch of an ex-wife" won't leave him alone, can't keep her mouth shut and is causing him trouble. Okay, for one, the only times I have contacted him has been when it is regarding our daughter. So I am guessing the fact that I threw a fit over him sharing a bed with his girlfriend around our daughter and leaving him the porn he left on the porch that he pretended to be mine is how I am causing him trouble. Combined with the fact that he can't get the visitation schedule straight which he turns around on me to make it look like I am keeping her from him. Um, it's in black and white, read it.

And of course he can't get his nose out of his girlfriends ass long enough to call his child half the time. Or he claims his phone isn't working, yet people see him texting and talking on it. I go out of my way to try and be accommodating to him. And when she comes back from visits with him, she's moody, smart mouthed and all she talks about is his girlfriend. So basically he lets her care for our daughter during his time.

I have known for a long time how he was, I knew he was selfish when it came to anything, but I never thought he would do our daughter this way.

SInging the blues

2011-06-13T21:53:00.003-04:00

I'm having a mopey kinda day. My ear is hurting, yet nobody knows why. The doctor couldn't figure it out. My blood pressure is up. I feel like hell. But I did lose 12 pounds (silver lining???).

I saw him and his woman out driving this evening. I wanted to barf. Not out of jealousy, but because here I was alone. I felt like a loser because I have nobody. I'm sure he eats it up that I am alone and he's got a girlfriend.

I suck at dating. I can't find it in me to be forward enough to ask someone out. The few people who act interested run for the hills. What am I doing wrong? And technology today makes things SO much WORSE. It used to be you sat by the phone waiting on him to call. Now you check your phone for missed calls, texts, check your facebook and your e-mail. It's agony. I just want someone who will come over and watch a movie with me, or just hang out. I can't even find that.

Some things I've realized...

2011-06-11T00:16:00.002-04:00

I go through the moments where I'm bitter, and angry, and jealous that asshat has someone to spend his time with. But at the end of the day, I realize I am the one who is lucky! I am the one who has a wonderful, supportive family and wonderful, true, real, amazing friends who would do anything for me. And he doesn't have that. So in the end, I win. Because my true friendships will outlast any relationship he ever has.

I hear.....

2011-06-03T16:22:00.002-04:00

All I can hear is the hum of the a/c and an occasional sound from one of the 3 pets. Barbie, Jr. is with her dad and I'm home alone.

The alone part is what is so hard. I like my alone time, but then again, I wouldn't mine having someone to talk to. I can log onto Facebook at any given minute and end up with some ridiculous post that gets a hundred comments, but it isn't the same. Phone conversations to maybe discuss what we've been through? Someone to hang out on the couch with and watch tv. Go to a movie with. I don't want to plan a wedding or move anyone in. I just want someone I know I can pick up the phone and call and who will be there for me.

Today was really hard. This week I have met Asshat's new girlfriend. When we met, she seemed unfriendly. I chalked it up to him convincing her I was the devil and only telling her horrible awful things about me that were untrue. She called me today and apologized. Said it caught her off guard, and she wants us to be able to get along since we will probably be seeing more of each other now. She won some major brownie points with me. Of course part of me wanted to scream, what the hell are you doing with him anyway?? You seem like a good person. But I didn't. Either she will be good for him, or she will figure him out and run far away.

So she was with him when we met to exchange Barbie Jr. Afterwards they went inside of Wendy's to get something to eat. That's the moment it began to sting. I was sitting in my car and look over and there goes the three of them into Wendy's and she and Barbie Jr. are laughing over something. I won't lie, it hurt. It hurt seeing the three of them walking in, so happy. Because I knew I was going home to be alone.

I know this alone time is for the best right now, but in the back of my head I think I am going to end up alone. I continue to get shot down when it comes to my dating endeavors. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I was the one who was flawed, not him.

Ramblings of a mopey girl

2011-05-26T22:55:00.002-04:00

I should be packing since my brother-in-law is coming to help me move my living room furniture tomorrow. But instead, I am here, with a cat laying on me, typing away.

I am so overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed with my move. Overwhelmed with trying to keep details straight. Overwhelmed with my life period.

Apparently I suck at dating. Something about me evidently makes men run for the hills. With the exception of married men which I seem to attract or men who want to have conversations with my boobs. Yes, I live with them every day, it's no secret they are there, but I do have a face. I've taken to the method of doing the Bobby Goren tilt, leaning over and saying MY FACE IS UP HERE. And really, I don't want anything serious right now, but being alone all the time really sucks. I spent years with asshat feeling alone. I don't necessarily want someone to be with me all the time, but having someone to talk to when I feel alone sure would be nice. And I don't have that. And I know it hasn't been all that long but that doesn't keep me from being lonely.

I am finding myself attracted to the ones who would never have me. The ones who solely want some skinny, prissy girl. I can priss as much as the next girl but the fact of the matter is, I am not skinny. Nor do I really want to be. But I have found myself becoming more and more self conscious about myself and my body. To the point it is painful to look in the mirror sometimes. I know I'm a good person, but nobody can seem to look past the fact that I'm not a size 3 to even find out.

I don't miss asshat much at all. Sure there are times when something will happen, or I see something that I still want to pick up the phone and call him. And I wouldn't want to be back in the situation I was in. Being truly alone is somehow easier than feeling lonely when you are with someone. And I know, or at least I hope, I will have that person again someday. The person you call first when something goes right or wrong. So for now, I think I'll suck it up, go talk to my cats and pack.

My new pick up line....

2011-05-18T01:20:00.002-04:00

Excuse me.... Can I lick your face???

Happy girl Martina Mcbride (lyrics)

2011-05-17T02:05:00.000-04:00

New beginnings...

2011-05-16T02:48:00.002-04:00

Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too...

My divorce is now final and I'm in the middle of moving. Ironically, I got my divorce order AND my keys to my new house on the same day, which also happened to be Friday the 13th!

The times I find myself alone, I end up bitter and angry that he has found someone. Not out of jealousy, but because I'm the one who spent half my life miserable. HE stole my happiness. Why does HE deserve to be happy? Why do I deserve to spend my days alone while he spends his with the weenie woman and her son? Yet at the same time, I hope he finds happiness. I hope in all this he has learned how to treat others. That in order to have a relationship, you have to be honest. And sometimes, put others first. I find myself doubting that he has learned anything other than using it all to gain sympathy from others.

For me, I want time. I don't want to rush into anything just to have someone. I want to take my time, live life, and if I happen to find Prince Charming then that's okay too.

17 years, and 8 pages later.....

2011-05-04T19:54:00.002-04:00

Even though I know I am doing the right thing, it's difficult. I thought I had cried my last tear after the abuse but it turns I was wrong.

Yesterday, asshat and I sat down with our attorneys and an hour and a half later, on 8 sheets of white paper, were the terms of our agreement. 17 years on 8 sheets of paper. I cried the entire time. It started over nothing really, the tears just began to flow almost as soon as we sat down. Luckily, I didn't go into full blown sobs, just the steady stream of tears down my face.

On May 11th, this chapter of my life will end. I will again be Adkins. I will no longer be a "married woman". I will then become a "single mom". And on May 13th, I get the keys to our new home. I'm excited to move on with my life. Excited for new beginnings and as much as I have been through, a bit sad about the end. I gave everything I possibly could and I know this. But even those times I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him, the bottom line was, he had become a best friend. When something happened, good or bad, he was the first person I would call. I still catch myself thinking I will call and tell him something and then remembering I can't. So now, when something happens, I find myself a little lost, a little lonely.

I will be fine. I will again be happy. I will find love. I will survive.

Moving on

2011-04-18T23:52:00.003-04:00

It's been a really random few days. I've discovered, sometimes being strong for the sake of your child is sometimes really difficult but something that must be done.

I've realized that some people will continue to live life playing the victim. As in, never owning up to the mistakes they make. I will be the first to tell you, I make mistakes and I've made plenty of them. I have learned from them. And I move on. MOVE ON being the key word. My plea to asshat is, move on and quit making my life a living hell. I've admitted the mistakes I made and I am attempting to get on with my life. I don't deserve the hell you have put me through for over 15 years and you sure as hell never deserved me. But I got the best of you and she's asleep beside me. Because of your actions that you can't seem to own up to, I get the joy of going to bed snuggled up to her every night while you lay in your cold, lonesome bed at your parent's house.

I realize each day how lucky I am. I'm surrounded by wonderful, amazing people. I've lost some friends but made new ones along the way. I've found someone who makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet and I am damn lucky to have found him. I've learned a lot about myself because of him. I've learned to ignore the rules and follow my heart. I no longer worry about "the people" and their preconceived notions of how life and love should be. And after all these years, the movie "The Notebook" makes sense.

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday."

In the words of Marilyn.....

2011-04-11T22:05:00.002-04:00

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe

It does exist.....

2011-04-07T12:14:00.005-04:00

I've been reading through the blog archives I removed. Printing them out. As much as I would like to forget them, the bottom line is, my past has made me who I am today. I should not find shame in it.

One post in particular caught my eye. I've never made it a secret that I'm this hopeless romantic. Deep down, there's a little girl inside of me that has always believed fairy tales do exist. So this post from October, 2008, made me sad:

There's no such thing as a glass slipper.

I want the fairy tale. I want Prince Charming. I want the man who tells me how completely wonderful I am, even if I DO eat ice cream cake while on my diet. I want a man who takes my breath away each and every day. A man who doesn't lie to me, doesn't hurt me, and doesn't take me for granted. I want to be Cinderella damnit.

The thing is, Walt Disney lied to us. All of us little girls who dreamed of perfect love and romance... LIED TO. There are no fairy godmothers, there are not 7 dwarfs who live in the forest and whistle while they work, there is no handsome prince to awaken us with a kiss when we've fallen into a deep sleep, and there sure as hell are no glass slippers.

I wanted a wedding. I wanted to be a princess. I wanted the American Dream. The morning of my wedding, I sat down on my mother's couch and sobbed uncontrollably. I told her it was nerves but the fact of the matter was, I didn't want to do it. I think I knew deep down it was all wrong. But I chalked it up to nerves and went through with it. And not even a week into our marriage he left to go to a lodge meeting leaving me alone. This would set the tone for our entire marriage. That damn lodge and lonliness. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret marrying asshat (believe it or not). Marrying him is the reason I have Barbie, Jr. And she's my life. But would I do it all over again? Hell no.

If I had it to do all over again there are a million things I would do different. He would cater to ME, not me to him. He would be the one making the effort to see me, not me driving to see him and to watch him sleep. I would be more independent. Spending time away from him, rather than spending all my time with him. And rather than me calling and begging to make amends when we fight, he would be the one crawling back to me. I've created this monster. I know that. Had I nipped this shit in the bud when we were dating, I wouldn't be where I am now. I probably wouldn't even be married to him.

My life revolved around him. I went to his house, he rarely came to mine. I had to spend all the time I could with him. He would sleep while I was there and I would get pissed, but I let it go on. Even back then, everything was about him. I was the one to give, give, give and sacrifice. I was the one who would call bawling my eyes out asking him to forgive me over some dumb fight we had no matter who was at fault. After 4 years, you would think you would know what you are getting yourself into. Evidently not. Maybe after 10 years you become less tolerant of someone? Less desirable. Less in love. I've become one of those people. The people who say "oh lord, don't get married." I advocate living in sin. I am the person I hated back when I was getting married. And it makes me sad. To go from the little girl who dreamed of the fairytale to the disgruntled, cynical, jaded wife who lives a miserable existence.

I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe happiness and marriage go together. And I sure as hell don't believe in the fairy tale. There IS no such thing as a glass slipper. And there is no Prince Charming.

It's taken me many years, but I again believe. I'm no longer miserable. I'm no longer lonely. In the past 6 months, I've learned to love myself first and foremost.

Last time I checked

2011-03-26T12:47:00.002-04:00

So the last time I checked my birth certificate it had me turning 36 this year. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no whiz at math, but I am pretty sure my current age is 35. Apparently there has been some confusion since everyone wants to treat me like a fucking child.

I'm sick of everyone telling me how I should live my life. Sick of the guilt trips when I do find happiness. Sick of the negativity.

But it's fine, because one thing I have learned lately is, this is MY life. As long as I am not potentially harming my child, then nobody should have any say in what I do. And they can't stand that. I will make mistakes like everyone else and I will learn from them. I will no longer live my life for everyone else, I now live my life for ME!

It will never happen to me.....

2011-03-24T04:53:00.003-04:00

If you'd told me 17 years ago I'd end up a victim of domestic violence I would have said you were crazy. IF you'd told me a year ago I'd end up a victim of domestic violence I would have said you were crazy. Something like that would never happen to me. Well folks, guess what, it did.

11 days ago to be exact. We've been separated for over 5 months now. He lived for 2 of those with the woman that led to our separation. And I, after 5 months went on a date *gasp*.

He's been on a downward spiral for months. Even while living with her, he would call me up and scream and make crazy accusations about me and a friend of mine. It had gotten to the point, I refused to communicate in any way except for texting. Then Barbie Jr. became sick and was hospitalized, my dad had already been hospitalized for some time and all around the same time as he moved out of her house.

We were able to communicate once again. We'd had numerous conversations over the months of separation about why I would not take him back. His argument? "Well, you won't give me another chance but you are willing to give some guy down the road a chance." Dude, your argument doesn't even make sense. Do we need to list the 101 ways you put me through hell?

Then he began hanging around the house more, usually either doing some sort of repair (which are his responsibilities) or spending time with the girl. When I would make him leave it would spark another crazy outburst. And looking back, I realize, I was scared. I knew he was unstable, so it was easier to let him hang around to keep the peace. It began taking a toll on me, causing trouble between me and my family, so I began creating reasons he couldn't be here. And of course the crazy accusations began and he started getting what I would say was somewhat controlling. Would want to know where we'd been, why we were there, etc. And didn't like it when I would tell him it really wasn't any of his business. When he would bring her home, he would come to see what I was doing on the computer, if I got a text he would try and see who it was from. He went to the extreme of trying to access my facebook from our daughter's and became irate when he didn't know the password. So he created his own, and got furious when I wouldn't add him as a friend. That was the night of my date.

He began texting me at some point and my guess is, when I didn't respond he came looking for me. My date came from out of town so I drove and met him where he was staying. As I approached my car afterwards my ex came out of nowhere and was shouting at me, demanding to know who I had been with. I wouldn't respond so he punched me in the jaw as I got into the car. He took off running through the parking lot and when I tried to pull out he stepped in front of my car. I rolled down the window, told him to get out of my way and he came, grabbed me by the neck and screaming at me. At some point he had me by the hair of the head and bounced my head off the steering wheel and the next thing I knew, I could see him raring back to head butt me. I was so dazed I couldn't even think to move to avoid that one. The look in his eyes terrifies me to this day.

I was in such a daze and so ashamed, I didn't tell anyone right away. And at the time, the details were even fuzzy of what he had done. It wasn't until that night, when every noise I heard I thought was him coming to get me, I realized what he had done. The next day at work, knowing I was safe, I broke down and told what had happened to me. It was then that a friend pointed out my jaw was swollen where he had punched me. So we headed to the ER. Details were still somewhat unclear, they still are today. Luckily, I had no broken bones. Only a swollen and bruised jaw and a concussion. From there I filed a police report.

I lost 6 pounds in 5 days. He dodged being served and I was terrified. Terrified he would come after me. Terrified he would try and take the girl and run. Terrified to be alone. It was horrible. When I realized he had turned himself in and had my Protective Order in hand I could breathe again. But I'm still scared. He's one of the "if I can't have her nobody will" types. And they are very scary.

He's gone around admitting to "only head butting me", and now refers to me as Barbie Jr.'s so-called mother. It makes me angry, but at the same time, I know what a damn good job I've done as a mom. I've taken my duty as a mother seriously for 8 1/2 years. He's taken his duty as a father seriously for 5 1/2 months. I've sheltered her as much as I can from his drug addiction, alcohol addiction, porn addiction, etc. I've been the one trying to hold us together for 12 years. Of course he wouldn't be asshat if he didn't try and play the victim. He wants to tell everyone how he hasn't seen his child in almost 2 weeks because her so-called mother won't allow him to. I'm sure he doesn't tell them it's because he beat the hell out of her mother?

I've realized in the past few months that I allowed myself to be unhappy for years, for the sake of trying to salvage something that was long gone. For the first time in 17 years I am happy. Genuinely happy. Now when I smile, it's real. I no longer smile through the pain.

Don't be trapped by dogma.....

2011-02-18T10:56:00.002-05:00

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

No words could be so true. Over the past 4 1/2 months I have realized a few things. One being, I've let too many people be involved in how I live my life, thus causing me to live someone else's life. Not a life that has been my own. And it's all coming back to bite me. I'm now a 35 year old, single mom, who can't sneeze without someone giving me an opinion. Or giving me shit about how I sneezed. It's frustrating but I only have myself to blame.

Ten Pet Peeves of a Barbie Girl..

2011-02-16T21:37:00.006-05:00

Random pet peeves!

Jerks who have to be first and pull out in front of you even though there isn't a car behind you
Fleas, I don't really know if you could call them a pet peeve but they annoy the hell out of me.
Selfishness. It isn't always about you. I'm just saying!
If a woman cooks dinner for you, for God's sake, thank her! Offer to take a freaking plate to the kitchen.
Needless, self-created drama
Justin Bieber
Dating again. I haven't dated in 17 years. It sucks.
Big words for simple things. It's art class damnit, not "enrichment"
Mean people. They just suck
When you've had a conversation at least ten times yet the person acts like it's the first time they ever heard of such a thing

Starting over......

2011-02-14T10:29:00.003-05:00

I'm the same ol' Barbie Girl. I've got the same attitude, the same sense of humor, the same family, but my past is history. I'm starting new. Time to quit dwelling on what could have been, what wasn't, all that went wrong in my life and dwell on being fabulous. I would sit and read back through my old posts and while they make me who I am today, they also make me incredibly sad. Of course I saved a copy, but they can no longer be found on my blog.

I want to focus on being a wonderful mom and a good person. I want Barbie, Jr. to see a mom that is happy, not sad and depressed.

2011 already has been a challenge. Barbie Jr, spent a week in the hospital, my dad spent almost 6 weeks in the hospital, and at times we weren't sure he'd make it out. I have a renewed thankfulness for many things, one being my family.

Over the past few months, I've learned a lot about myself and a lot about people. I'm tired of settling. I want to be appreciated. And I've found when times are rough, some people show their true selves. It's time to start living by this quote:

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
—Marilyn Monroe