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Who says you can't go home?

It was between the lyrics "I went as far as I could, I tried to find a new face. There isn't one of these lines that I would erase. I lived a million miles of memories on that road." and "Guess who's back?  Back again?" for the title to this post, but "Who says you can't go home?" seemed perfect as I feel like I'm home again.

It's silly, I know.  I don't know if anyone even reads blogs anymore.  I don't know if anyone reads mine.  It doesn't really matter.  My therapist suggested I write again whether it be in my journal or blogging.  But my immediate thought was this blog.  This is where I poured my heart out for years and it feels like my home.
The last post I made here was about how wonderful my life was.  How much better it was. That was a little over a year ago.  And let me tell you.  It's been a hell of a year.
My kiddos are wonderful.  Barbie Jr. while still sassy at times, is becoming such a beautiful (of course she's always been beautiful), amazing young woman.  She isn't at all afraid to be who she is and stand up for herself and others when she needs to.  I am just so incredibly proud of her.  She turned 14 this summer.  Can you believe it?  My little man, who I shall call, He Man, is almost 16 months old and an absolute joy.  He's got the most pleasant and cute personality.  And is learning the art of a temper tantrum which I must admit, most times makes me chuckle. Motherhood feels so much easier this time around.  I almost feel guilty because I feel like I'm better at it now than I was with Barbie Jr.  But being a first time mom is hard and I'm much older and much wiser (ha!).  And honestly, it one of the few things I'm somewhat confident about in my life at the moment.
The other would be my job.  I switched roles at my office and I couldn't be happier.  I am now doing the job I was meant to do.  I love it. I love the people I work with.  I don't mind getting up and coming to work every day where I used to almost get sick thinking of work.  I'm so thankful I took the leap a little over 2 years ago to come here. It was rough for a while and I just wish I had switched roles sooner. 
As for the rest of my life.  Well, it could be better. It's taken me three days to write this last part.  It's difficult in so many ways.

In early July, we went to the beach with my family, and my aunt and uncle.  My uncle had been diagnosed with lung cancer in January and one of the things he wanted to do was go on one last vacation to the beach with his brother.  And of course we made that happen.  Day 1, while looking something up on the fella's phone some personal ads come up in the history.  I open one and realize it's a woman.  A local woman (local to home). I threw the phone at him and ran inside feeling like I might throw up.  He followed me and I told him to get the fuck away from me.  I didn't even want to breathe the same air as him at the moment.

The next day we talked.  He of course tried to turn it around on me.  I shut that down completely. We decided to sort of table everything until we got home.  The last night, I made more discoveries on his computer and would continue to for a few weeks.  Had anyone ever told me he'd do something like that to me, I would have never believed them in a million years.

Less than two weeks after returning from the beach, my uncle passed away.  He was the uncle we traveled with every summer during my childhood. My dad's brother.  He and my dad were really close so it was not only hard to say goodbye, but also to see how devastated my dad was that his baby brother was gone.

My grief continued not only for my uncle, but over my relationship as well. I went from sad, hysterical, and crying, to angry and shouting.  And stuck financially.  After many long talks, we agreed to go to counseling so I made an appointment for not only us, but for myself.

Fast forward 4 months.  We've now been dealing with my dad having health issues.  He's been in and out of the hospital for the past 6 weeks and has declined so much since his brother passed.  He's had a toe removed, pneumonia, and a foot infection after the surgery.  We finally seem to have him going in the right direction.

Counseling has been sporadic because of all this.  I have kept up with my therapy though.  In all of this I realized, almost every relationship I have had as an adult has ended up with my being cheated on.  And so I can't help look in the mirror and wonder, what is it about me that makes this happen?  And I desperately want to think it isn't me, but would it happen this many times if it wasn't?

I spent years in a relationship being told I was not good enough. That I was fat and nobody would want me. But then I get angry with myself for thinking it is me.  But you hear things enough you start to believe.

I want things to be okay, but he wants to act like it never happened.  I want to know why. I try to talk about it but my words fall on deaf ears.  Not just for that, but anything.  I feel lonely and sad a lot of times. I've given up for the time being on trying to open up and verbally work things through with him.  But I'm keeping a list of issues for our next counseling session.  It's gonna take more than his ass sitting in a room every other week to make us work.

If you read this. Gold star.  Leave me a comment just to say hello.  I mean it's possible not a soul will ever read this but if you do, I'd like to hear from you.


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Kindness goes a long way

My last post was about how I refused to be irrelevant. I posted it the day before my 42nd birthday.  It was and is a phrase that has stuck with me.  I haven't blogged since, although I have been planning to. So months later, here

On my birthday I received an anonymous gift of a beautiful Edible Arrangement with the attached card:

I want whoever you are to know, I carry this with me in my wallet every single day.  I have a few special things that I keep with me always, a drawing Savannah did, a poem she wrote me to tell me everything would be fine when her dad and I were in an ugly custody battle, and now this.  Whoever you are, your kind gesture holds a spot among the most treasured things I carry with me day in and day out.  I take it out when I am having an especially down day to remind myself that I do matter.  That I am relevant. Yesterday was one of those days.  I was feeling down, unloved, unappreciated, so I took the note out and read it. And through my tears of frustration…

I refuse to be irrelevant.

After insisting to my friends at work that I had *tried* to watch "Grace and Frankie" I discovered that I lied.  I had watched maybe 15 minutes of the show.  So I gave it a second chance.  I'm about halfway through the first season and something the character Grace said hit me like a ton of bricks.  "I refuse to be irrelevant."

I. Refuse. To. Be. Irrelevant.

To me it is a powerful statement.  And one I need to relate to more.  Because I can so related to feeling irrelevant these days.  I feel like I don't matter.  I mean of course, there are people I matter to, and others who make me feel irrelevant.  Who make me feel like my presence doesn't matter.  And I blame myself.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't even care.  I've always been all woohoo, my birthday is coming up.  This year? I could care less.  It's a Tuesday.  I have zero expectations.  I'm sure people on Facebook will wish me happy birthday, but otherwise, it just feels like a…