I've been a real pain in the ass lately. Mean, horrible and bitchy. Tonight I have been tearful. That's just not me anymore. And I've thought. A lot. I'm not sure why I'm like this. The only solution I can come up with is the fact that I will be 38 in 2 days.
3 years ago when I turned 35, I knew in my gut it would be a life changing year. I didn't know how, I just knew something big was going to happen. A few weeks after my birthday, I found out about the affair. It was a needed change, but during that year all I felt was numbness. And I was overwhelmed.
36 I had hoped would be better. It wasn't. That was the start of Barbie, Jr's separation anxiety. Therapy. The start of the custody case.
37 I just knew things would be great. It was also the start of alternating weeks with Barbie Jr. My having to move (which was a positive thing in the end). And battling it out with my ex-landlord. Could have been worse but again, not a fabulous year.
The sad part? I have no hopes or dreams for 38. At this point, I just hope I make it through another year. I'm not one to dread birthdays but the truth is, I am. I thought my life would be different by now. And while it is not in the way I had hoped. I long to settle down. Find someone (yeah, don't even start this bullshit that I'm looking too hard). Sure I come with baggage. I just feel like I'm the girl nobody wants to date.
I Know, it will all work out and I'll be fine. I'm just ready. To settle down. Be a couple. Maybe this will be the year.
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