Monday, February 27, 2012

Off the ledge...

I'm off the ledge for now. I know I am surrounded by my awesome family and my awesome friends, but I am allowed to have down moments.  I'm not saying it's healthy, just saying it is allowed.

I survived Valentine's Day despite a few creepy events that happened.  I have made a few new friends in the past few weeks, and found I'm again, comfortable in who I am.  I've met people and not questioned why they were talking to me, for once I just went with it.  A friend even commented the other day on how much I had changed in the less than a year she has known me.  Meaning I was more outgoing, stood up for myself, basically me again.  But she doesn't know that me.  The me she met was still beat down and insecure.


Thursday, February 16, 2012

If you've never been alone....

If you are someone who has never been alone, you probably can't understand where I'm coming from.  Take me for example, I went from my parents house, to getting married and living with my husband.  35 years of never really and truly being alone.  That's a long damn time.

So I find myself, almost 36 and suddenly on my own with the exception of Barbie, Jr. 2 cats and a dog.  So granted I'm not completely alone, but I really can't call my 9 year old when I'm mad at her dad, or just to vent, or to share happy news.  I have my family but I want someone of my own.  My own special person who I can call and they can call me when they are happy/sad/stressed/etc.  My very own Mr. Barbie.  And not someone who wants to fix everything or give me solutions.  Just someone who will share in my happy/sad/whatever with me.  Someone if I call and say can you believe what so and so did, and he would say that rat bastard. I want someone who can look at me and know I need a hug.  Someone to hold my hand just because.

If I hear one more person say "you are so lucky you are alone" I might scream.  Take you are so lucky from the  sentence and there you have it.  You are alone.  I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night.  I'm tired of feeling sad.  I'm tired of wondering why he found someone.  I'm tired of being the better person and turning the other cheek.  All it does is causes you to end up alone.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Carrie Bradshaw and I think alike

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

I can pretend all day that I'm fine, life is good (and it really is) and that I'm strong and don't need anyone.  Only part of that is true.  I'm very thankful for the family and friends in my life and I am strong.  But I'm not fine, I'm lonely, and I want to think I'm going to find love again someday.  But I don't feel hopeful about that.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Growing up, I believed in fairy tales.  I desperately want to think my prince charming is out there lurking, just waiting to sweep me off my feet.  Okay, maybe lurking is the wrong word given a few recent, creepy events. 

I am told all the time that I'm fine.  That it must be nice to have nobody.  But nobody realizes how lonely I really am.  Especially when Barbie, Jr. is gone.  Sure, sometimes the peace is nice, but most times, the silence is deafening.

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Hearts, love and all that jazz

It's officially February.  The first day brings two wonderful events.  My sister and brother-in-law's wedding anniversary and my niece's birthday.  Then you move on to the mushy love stuff.

This year, it's all hitting me hard.  My sister and brother-in-law are celebrating 21 years, my niece is turning 18 and again, I'm single on Valentine's Day.  And I think, will I ever have a love that's lasted 21 years, or will I end up alone.

A little melodramatic, I know, but it's how I feel.  Granted, I have had some interest but for one reason or another, I end up getting scared away, which tells me two things: One, obviously I'm not ready for a relationship and two, the right person hasn't come along.  I want fireworks damnit!  I get claustrophobic.  Feel suffocated.  And start lacing the running shoes up when kids get mentioned whether it be mine or theirs.  Too much too soon. And of course I have a strict policy about Barbie, Jr. meeting anyone.  Not with the separation issues she's been having.

Being in a relationship sounds nice, but I like my time.  My time alone, my time with Barbie, Jr.  MY time.  And I'm just not ready to share that yet.  Maybe I'm weird, maybe I'm selfish, but it's my life and I'll live it my way.