I came here to blog about something entirely different, realized we spring forward tonight and just shouted "shit-motherfucker". It would have to happen tonight, of all times.
Today was a beautiful day. I dragged the family out, even the dog, and we drove over to the floodwall in Westmoreland and walked. It was a wonderful afternoon. The evening? Not so beautiful.
This would be the evening I told asshat he needs to leave. I don't want him here anymore. That I can take no more of his bullshit. It all stemmed from his "eh-whatever" attitude when I realized he had blown around 80 dollars in less than 2 days. After we had an argument earlier in the week over the fact that he kept telling me he was going to put money in the bank to replace money he had spent on tires and a deer head, but when I would ask him about it he would get pissy and hateful. I was cleaning on Thursday and I found the very bare envelope of money that had once allegedly held over $200. And when questioned that day was very eh about it.
So we go to pick up Taco Bell and he doesn't even have the $7.00 to cover the food. I come unglued. I get the eye roll and it was on. His explanation for having no money? He spends about $20 a day on pop and food. I laughed at him. He's all, well, when I go to Subway it costs me $7.00. My response is? IF you spend that much freaking money on food every day then it would be cheaper to invest in a lunchbox/small cooler to carry food in. He ignores this suggestion because we all know, he's a big fat FREAKING LIAR!
He expects it to end. I refuse. I will not and can not deal with this any longer. He blows $200 in less than a week and expects to get by with "I spent it on food?" Fuck that. I've seen the bank account, I know he's been using his debit card too. He adamantly denies it and since I don't have a debit card it's pretty obvious he's lying or else he is just so used to using it he doesn't realize what he's spending. The same reason I no longer have a debit card. Then he starts in about how he puts x amount of dollars in the bank every month and we still struggle to get by. This makes me laugh since I have tried and tried to get him to do the bills with me. And not to mention the number of times a week he USES HIS DEBIT CARD. I then point out that several times in the past 3 months when I have specifically told him to NOT use the card because some large bill was due, house payment, car ins., etc. that he has done it anyway causing overdrafts on the checking account.
Get this... he said to me... "Am I not allowed to forget that you told me that?" I literally busted out laughing because it was so ridiculous. I said, "NO. Not when you KNOW some of those bills are due the SAME time every month. And I tell you SPECIFICALLY. You don't forget, you just don't give a shit, yet want the right to shout at ME when it happens."
Of course no argument would be complete without him bringing up the credit card debt I had to which I replied, "I can damn well guarantee you've snorted way more than my debt right up your nose." And this brought on the "You are never going to let my drug addiction behind us are you?" HELLO? Does anyone else see the white elephant in the room? You never completed the steps, you went to meetings for maybe 6 months and your therapist fired you. Um, no buddy, the first line you snorted up your nose brought your addiction into our lives and it is something that will never be behind us. Since the day I busted him, he has always wanted things to go on as they did before and pretend like it never happened. He can't understand that even though he continues to lie and manipulate me, that I don't trust him and that I am being unreasonable and just need to let the drug addiction go. It's a lifelong illness. Just like asthma, diabetes. It will always be a part of our lives.
I finally tell him I'm all done. I can take no more. I'm worn down and exhausted and nothing changes. We had a talk a while back about how he wanted to make things work between us, yet change nothing about himself. To continue to lie to me about random, nonsensical things and expect me to sit there and say nothing. But when I speak up I'm on his ass or a bitch. And I told him, you want me to make the effort while you change nothing and I can't do that.
His reply was fine, do what you need to do. And I tell him, I will not leave this house. It wouldn't be fair to Barbie Jr. for me to uproot her from the only home she's ever known. He said I can leave. And I told him, that's what I am telling you. I want you to leave. And he is like I will, I will leave, blah, blah. And I looked at him and said, you don't get it do you? I am serious. I want you to leave.
Somehow the conversation turned to him spending time with Barbie, Jr. and I scoffed. "I left to go to work Thursday and then went shopping and was gone MAYBE 2 hours and you went to sleep. And she was SICK. Which is the whole reason I didn't go to dinner with my co-workers on Tuesday or go to my niece's game. Because I can't trust you for two hours to stay awake. I called you TEN times between the cell phone and the house phone before you even answered." This was the best one yet.... "I was coming down with a cold" he said. I said, "My god, do you know how many colds I have had and have taken care of our child? I have taken care of her with a horrible case of the stomach virus when she was a week old and I had just had a c-section. So don't tell me you can't stay awake because you were coming down with a cold. What's your excuse the other ten bazillion times?"
This set him off on a tangent about how he works 18 hours a day (he works 10 at the most from leaving the house until he gets home). And I looked at him and said, "I can count 10 people right now who work the same amount of hours or more than you do and they properly care for their child. Millions of people do the job that you do and manage." And he went off screaming and taco hell was flying out of his mouth and it was gross. And the only sentence I grasped from it all, and it was the worst thing he could say. The one thing he could say that he can never undo. And the straw that broke the camel's back. "I am sorry. I don't work an 8-4 job like you do where all I do is worry about where I'm having lunch at you fucking fat ass." And I ceased to hear any more. I was all done.
I simply said, I want you out. I want you to leave. He looked at me with the craziest look in his eyes. Not a look that made me fearful but crazy. And he laughed at me. And laughed. And I said, "I want you to leave. get your shit and leave." And he flipped the foot up on the recliner and blatantly ignored me by turning up the tv.
And it was right then and there that I knew, that what has been in my heart for a long time, the decision I have avoided for 2 years, was the right one. To throw in the towel on this toxic marriage.
