So first of all, asshat and I had a babysitter last night and went on a "date". I decided we should go to Texas Roadhouse since we had a gift card from Christmas. I had a few Coronas before leaving so I was feeling all happy.
We talk all the way there. It was nice. Until somehow we got on the subject of his drug addiction. I tell him I was proud of him and how it would be 2 years February 21st. He gets on the subject of his therapist and he finally tells me that part of the reason he didn't like going was that the therapist would want to talk about how many times drug addiction would drive a giant wedge into a marriage and he didn't want to hear that. And I just told him, but you know what, it's the truth. And your addiction HAS put a wedge in this. And so he talks about how he just wants it all "behind us". I remind him yet again, it will never be something that is behind us.
And then I asked the question. The same question I have asked a million times before and knowing the answer I was getting was a lie. So I asked again, you were using a lot longer than you told me? And he tried to change the subject. And the words I now regret saying came out of my mouth,"Just tell me, I won't get mad." And so he claims to not know when it was but it was early in 2006. Sadly, I still don't believe him. Tears streamed down my face as we drove along, sad and angry that even after all this, he had still continued to lie to me.
The date went on and after we left he asked me if I wanted to run by his buddy's house where a card game was going on. "We'll just stop by and say hello." That turned into he wanted to stop at the ATM and get $20. I reluctantly said okay. He hands me the slip and he had gotten $60, even after a discussion of having to pay a few very large bills this week which included the mortgage. I just look at him in disbelief and he tells me he was going to give me some money. Yet he doesn't.
So for the next 3 hours, we sit there in a smoky garage, I watch him blow $60 like it was monopoly money. And he had given me $20 so he had borrowed $20 in chips from someone else. And as we left he told him he'd be by on Wednesday to square up. And this explained so much. How many times has he done that? Borrowed money like that from those guys and I never knew. And he acted as if just basically shredding that money was no big deal and he couldn't understand the fact that I was angry. Not to mention his idea of taking me on a date was to his buddys poker game. He can't claim dinner, that was all me. It was my gift card, and I paid the difference. And he had been invited to play cards earlier in the week and he made a big production of how he was taking his wife on a date.
So today, sober, my thinking is much clearer and less sunny. The revelation that he had been using a lot longer is eating away at my soul. Even after all of this he has lied to me. He continues to lie to me. I think of how we struggled financially in 2006 and 2007 and I get angry at him. And yet he continues to blow through money like it's nothing. And today still cannot believe I am upset over it. YOU TOOK YOUR FUCKING WIFE TO A POKER GAME AS A DATE.
People tried to tell me before that he was probably using a lot longer than he told me. And I fought and argued and told them they were wrong. And I would ask him and ask him and alway get the same answer. But that was the answer I knew in my heart was a lie.
And I think about it. His addiction has driven a wedge between us, but his continuing to lie to me is doing more. It's like an earthquake that is shattering us beyond repair.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Grounded. At age 33.
I swear, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had shouted "You're grounded!" Because his attitude was already making me pull out my drivers license to verify my age.
Last week, I went on a tangent. Hell bent on changing my outlook on life and my marriage. Certain that part of the marital issues was the fact that I am quick to be snarky and sarcastic and not focus enough on the nice things he does. But he proved to me yesterday why I have the snarky and sarcastic attitude. And why I refer to him as asshat.
Actually this week has been full of the bad things. Monday Barbie Jr and I come home from dance and he isn't home but his truck is here. I didn't have to call him to get the answer. He was at Jimmy's. And not only was Jimmy there but the guy who he used with was there also. So when I did call him he was trying to kiss my ass. And all I said is, "I don't even have to say anything. But I will say, you better not even DARE act pissy if I go have drinks with my friends on Saturday." And we had already had the conversation that I was planning to go do something and he seemed fine with it. But I knew while things seemed fine, when it got down to it he would act, quite frankly, like a fuckwad.
Another point in the week I made a comment about the weekend and he got all pissy and "How come WE never do anything?" I said, "You and I? Or you, me and Barbie Jr.?" And he goes "US, you and me?" I said, "We DO when we have a sitter and I can get you out of the recliner. We just wet out New Year's Eve. I ask you all the time when Barbie Jr and I go places to go with us. Just last night I invited you to my niece's basketball game and you wouldn't go." And he just watched the TV and seemed to ignore me as usual.
In the meantime he gets invited to play cards. And decided he will take her along. That crew doesn't drink and don't get rowdy so I didn't mind.
Fast forward to Saturday. He is short with me all day. He takes a nap and wakes up and I was getting dressed and goofing around and he finally just rolls his eyes at me and says to stop. I ask him if we need anything from Sam's that my friend and I were going on a trip to Sam's. Take that to her place, go eat and then go back to her house for a few drinks and to watch either some HOUSE or a movie. He ignores me.
I don't let his pissy attitude change anything. I leave and go. A bit later my cell rings and it's my daughter wanting me to come and get her. I feel certain he encouraged her to call me. I talk to her and then to them. I told him I would call him after dinner to let him know what the plans were. And I did. I told him we had gone to the liquor store and were going to have some drinks and watch TV. He said in a forced nice way that they were fine. And I told him, I wasn't sure what time I would get home.
There were 4 of us sitting around talking and drinking and watching TV. I didn't pay much attention to the time and finally left after 1:30 a.m. I pulled into my driveway right around 2. The porch light was off until he slung the front door open and flipped the light on and stood there with his hands on his hips glaring at me. Then stomps to his chair and sits down. I come in and put my stuff down and he is glaring at me. I go and wash my face and as I am putting on my pjs he stomps into the bedroom and shouts, "WHERE IN THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?" And I just look at him and said, "I told you where I was. My ass occupied the same section of the couch for hours." And he walks out. He even went for the guilt trip of "She wanted to stay up until you got home." And I said, "As she has done many times when YOU were out with your friends."
Since then we haven't talked except for him to answer yes and no questions. Or to answer a question I ask with a shitty response. When I went to kiss him this morning as I left for church he wouldn't even kiss me. He sort of leaned his head into me. And I asked him earlier if he would fix steak for dinner and his reply was "no".
So that is where we are now. He huffs and puffs around pouting while I go on about my day frankly enjoying the peace and quiet, yet feeling foolish that I made such a production about how he DOES do good things and I need to focus on those. And feeling foolish that he's pulled this shit for years, on top of the stuff he's done. I'm not keeping tally but, I've always been made to feel like i can't enjoy myself. You know when he goes somewhere with his buddies I would always make a point to say, "Have fun, be careful." And he has never once said that to me. He has never once told me as I left to have fun. All I have ever gotten is a pissy, pouty attitude.
So that's where we are. Him acting like a dick and
Last week, I went on a tangent. Hell bent on changing my outlook on life and my marriage. Certain that part of the marital issues was the fact that I am quick to be snarky and sarcastic and not focus enough on the nice things he does. But he proved to me yesterday why I have the snarky and sarcastic attitude. And why I refer to him as asshat.
Actually this week has been full of the bad things. Monday Barbie Jr and I come home from dance and he isn't home but his truck is here. I didn't have to call him to get the answer. He was at Jimmy's. And not only was Jimmy there but the guy who he used with was there also. So when I did call him he was trying to kiss my ass. And all I said is, "I don't even have to say anything. But I will say, you better not even DARE act pissy if I go have drinks with my friends on Saturday." And we had already had the conversation that I was planning to go do something and he seemed fine with it. But I knew while things seemed fine, when it got down to it he would act, quite frankly, like a fuckwad.
Another point in the week I made a comment about the weekend and he got all pissy and "How come WE never do anything?" I said, "You and I? Or you, me and Barbie Jr.?" And he goes "US, you and me?" I said, "We DO when we have a sitter and I can get you out of the recliner. We just wet out New Year's Eve. I ask you all the time when Barbie Jr and I go places to go with us. Just last night I invited you to my niece's basketball game and you wouldn't go." And he just watched the TV and seemed to ignore me as usual.
In the meantime he gets invited to play cards. And decided he will take her along. That crew doesn't drink and don't get rowdy so I didn't mind.
Fast forward to Saturday. He is short with me all day. He takes a nap and wakes up and I was getting dressed and goofing around and he finally just rolls his eyes at me and says to stop. I ask him if we need anything from Sam's that my friend and I were going on a trip to Sam's. Take that to her place, go eat and then go back to her house for a few drinks and to watch either some HOUSE or a movie. He ignores me.
I don't let his pissy attitude change anything. I leave and go. A bit later my cell rings and it's my daughter wanting me to come and get her. I feel certain he encouraged her to call me. I talk to her and then to them. I told him I would call him after dinner to let him know what the plans were. And I did. I told him we had gone to the liquor store and were going to have some drinks and watch TV. He said in a forced nice way that they were fine. And I told him, I wasn't sure what time I would get home.
There were 4 of us sitting around talking and drinking and watching TV. I didn't pay much attention to the time and finally left after 1:30 a.m. I pulled into my driveway right around 2. The porch light was off until he slung the front door open and flipped the light on and stood there with his hands on his hips glaring at me. Then stomps to his chair and sits down. I come in and put my stuff down and he is glaring at me. I go and wash my face and as I am putting on my pjs he stomps into the bedroom and shouts, "WHERE IN THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?" And I just look at him and said, "I told you where I was. My ass occupied the same section of the couch for hours." And he walks out. He even went for the guilt trip of "She wanted to stay up until you got home." And I said, "As she has done many times when YOU were out with your friends."
Since then we haven't talked except for him to answer yes and no questions. Or to answer a question I ask with a shitty response. When I went to kiss him this morning as I left for church he wouldn't even kiss me. He sort of leaned his head into me. And I asked him earlier if he would fix steak for dinner and his reply was "no".
So that is where we are now. He huffs and puffs around pouting while I go on about my day frankly enjoying the peace and quiet, yet feeling foolish that I made such a production about how he DOES do good things and I need to focus on those. And feeling foolish that he's pulled this shit for years, on top of the stuff he's done. I'm not keeping tally but, I've always been made to feel like i can't enjoy myself. You know when he goes somewhere with his buddies I would always make a point to say, "Have fun, be careful." And he has never once said that to me. He has never once told me as I left to have fun. All I have ever gotten is a pissy, pouty attitude.
So that's where we are. Him acting like a dick and
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