Well hmmm.

So first of all, asshat and I had a babysitter last night and went on a "date". I decided we should go to Texas Roadhouse since we had a gift card from Christmas. I had a few Coronas before leaving so I was feeling all happy.

We talk all the way there. It was nice. Until somehow we got on the subject of his drug addiction. I tell him I was proud of him and how it would be 2 years February 21st. He gets on the subject of his therapist and he finally tells me that part of the reason he didn't like going was that the therapist would want to talk about how many times drug addiction would drive a giant wedge into a marriage and he didn't want to hear that. And I just told him, but you know what, it's the truth. And your addiction HAS put a wedge in this. And so he talks about how he just wants it all "behind us". I remind him yet again, it will never be something that is behind us.

And then I asked the question. The same question I have asked a million times before and knowing the answer I was getting was a lie. So I asked again, you were using a lot longer than you told me? And he tried to change the subject. And the words I now regret saying came out of my mouth,"Just tell me, I won't get mad." And so he claims to not know when it was but it was early in 2006. Sadly, I still don't believe him. Tears streamed down my face as we drove along, sad and angry that even after all this, he had still continued to lie to me.

The date went on and after we left he asked me if I wanted to run by his buddy's house where a card game was going on. "We'll just stop by and say hello." That turned into he wanted to stop at the ATM and get $20. I reluctantly said okay. He hands me the slip and he had gotten $60, even after a discussion of having to pay a few very large bills this week which included the mortgage. I just look at him in disbelief and he tells me he was going to give me some money. Yet he doesn't.

So for the next 3 hours, we sit there in a smoky garage, I watch him blow $60 like it was monopoly money. And he had given me $20 so he had borrowed $20 in chips from someone else. And as we left he told him he'd be by on Wednesday to square up. And this explained so much. How many times has he done that? Borrowed money like that from those guys and I never knew. And he acted as if just basically shredding that money was no big deal and he couldn't understand the fact that I was angry. Not to mention his idea of taking me on a date was to his buddys poker game. He can't claim dinner, that was all me. It was my gift card, and I paid the difference. And he had been invited to play cards earlier in the week and he made a big production of how he was taking his wife on a date.

So today, sober, my thinking is much clearer and less sunny. The revelation that he had been using a lot longer is eating away at my soul. Even after all of this he has lied to me. He continues to lie to me. I think of how we struggled financially in 2006 and 2007 and I get angry at him. And yet he continues to blow through money like it's nothing. And today still cannot believe I am upset over it. YOU TOOK YOUR FUCKING WIFE TO A POKER GAME AS A DATE.

People tried to tell me before that he was probably using a lot longer than he told me. And I fought and argued and told them they were wrong. And I would ask him and ask him and alway get the same answer. But that was the answer I knew in my heart was a lie.

And I think about it. His addiction has driven a wedge between us, but his continuing to lie to me is doing more. It's like an earthquake that is shattering us beyond repair.