I don't know why you are making such a big deal out of this.

I finally unleashed on asshat tonight.

I spent the day crying off and on, angry with myself for wasting my tears on him. Because HE is not worth the energy and the wrecked make-up.

I don't know exactly what set me off. I can't pinpoint the moment I broke but I finally did today. It was sort of like when you get the sudden urge to throw up. And you just have to let it out. My sister spent the day holding my hand via e-mail, assuring me I was making the right choices (finally), that she loved me and I deserved better. And so she got this massive e-mail with confessions from me. Confessions about how I wanted to tell his mom last night he is hanging out with Jimmy again but I couldn't. Because I couldn't bear the expression of hurt on her face. About how I felt like him going to Jimmy's again is like a big giant FUCK YOU from him. About how I feel trapped with nowhere to go. And about how I cried the morning of my wedding because I knew I was making a mistake.

I joined the Nar-Anon boards today. The people there are so nice and helpful and hey, going through the same thing as me. And from reading those boards I realized, this horror will never end.

He was asleep when I got home this evening. Why wouldn't that even surprise me. I made dinner and he woke up at some point. I don't even know how it started but I began to cry. I told him I would not lie to his parents about who he was spending his time with. That I had started to tell his mom but I couldn't do it. I asked him if Jimmy smoked pot in front of him and he said yes. And it just began to pour out of me. Does he even care how the past 19 months has affected me? Does he even care what I have been through trying to stand by his side and be the supportive wife? I told him that his going to Jimmy's was a big F-U to me. I stood by him and now I'm expected to stand by him while he digs his own grave. Of course he insists nothing is going on and he doesn't understand how I can NOW choose to be so upset. And NOTHING is happening and he can't understand why I am making a big deal about it now. Needless to say, that fueled it all.

How dare he question my emotions. How dare he try and turn things around on ME? I told him that I feel like he's treated the past year and a half like a big joke. How he acts as if he comes to expect me to put up with his shit. And how I won't. I won't sit by again as he digs his own grave. That we are headed back to square one. Of course he can't understand that because he isn't doing anything. I questioned him not seeing his therapist anymore and he told me he released him. I told him point blank I am quite certain he was "fired" by his therapist for failing to comply. That he was still drinking quite a bit, he has quit NA meetings despite the doc telling him he needed to go, he was choosing to hang with his addict friends, etc. I told him I felt he was drinking too much again and he laughed at me and tried to defend himself. I told him to not waste his time.

He tried to question why all of a sudden I'm upset. Then stood over me as I chatted with a friend online. I'm sure the you must be having an affair accusations will follow.

There was never even so much as a sarcastic "I'm sorry. I appreciate you." Nothing. And now the smug son-of-a-bitch is sitting here, trying to act as if nothing happened while I continue to cry my eyes out.

And I'm sure he thinks now it's off my chest and I will be fine. But this is far from over.