Where to start?

For one, like the complete idiot I am, I still sit here, in the same house as asshat knowing damn well the number one thing I need to do is leave. LEAVE. And it's not even me staying for sake of Barbie, Jr. It's me staying because I'm too fucking chicken to leave. After all his bullshit, I'm too scared to say, "I'm not happy. I want out."

I can't say that I don't love him, because I do. But as cliche as it is, I am not *in* love with him. How high school is that? I get annoyed when he touches me. On the rare occasions he hugs me, I force myself to hug him and want it over with. But oddly, we can have fun together. He's more like a buddy to me.

In addition to asshats and assholes (aka the mean people) I have to deal with the latest family issues. My dad has to have open heart surgery on the 16th. It's been a whirlwind of bad news. We went to Kings Island the weekend of June 19th and to my niece's basketball games. They returned (after being told by his doctor his stress test was okay) on Sunday to a message that he had an appointment with a cardiologist on Monday. They called to make sure it wasn't incorrect and they were told his stress test was abnormal.

He went to the cardiologist on Monday the 22nd, had a heart cath the 29th and they found 3 blockages. He met with the surgeon last Tuesday and has surgery this week. It's been a lot of information packed into a couple of weeks.

He is scared, I am scared, we all are scared. The thought of losing my dad terrifies me. Then I feel selfish because I think of how many friends who have lost a parent (or both) at young ages and would give anything to have had their parents around this long. But I can't help but be scared. A girl needs her daddy.

Of course it's all re-motivated me to start watching my diet and exercise again. I'll be 34 years old in 2 months, both parents are diabetic, my mom has high blood pressure and my dad now has heart disease.

And it makes me realize that life is too precious to be miserable. It's too precious to live a lie. And what am I teaching my kid? That it's okay to live with an asshole and eat like shit and be overweight?

So that's that. You are now up to speed on the life of Barbie Girl. It's funny, I don't ever recall Barbie having a bad day. Maybe that's an idea for a new line.

"Disgruntled Wife Barbie" she would wear a shirt that says "I'm with asshat" and come with a weapon
"Asshat Ken" -he would come with a recliner and eyes that shut and a button you push to make him snore.
"open heart Barbie" -complete with tools to do open heart surgery on Barbie
"Xanax Barbie" - Do I really need to explain?
"Mean People Suck Barbie" - The box would read, "Quit hiding my fucking paycheck and saying mean hurtful things to me."

Mean People Suck

You know, after being with asshat so long nothing should surprise me anymore. But sometimes something happens and I think, god, you are just MEAN. And not even him, other people. And mean people suck.

I don't like being the butt of the joke.

It's funny....

It's funny to me that after being with someone for 15 years they can't seem to even manage to help Barbie, Jr. buy me something for Mother's Day because "he wouldn't know what to get for me" but a friend I've have for 8 months went out of town, saw a bracelet and *knew* I would love it and bought it for me.

I like pain?

Oddly enough, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I thought the pain would be unbearable. I thought I would have to take breaks. But, it didn't really. 20 minutes in the chair and I was out the door.

Happy Mother's Day

I have had the most fabulous Mother's Day.

First of all, Barbie Jr.'s kindergarten class was chosen to do the Mother's Day messages that have been playing on The Dawg this weekend. I nominated them the second I heard about the contest. They won on my nomination.

So on Friday I come home to flowers the girl had picked from my garden in a cup of water, a card, a picture and a book she had made at school. And yes, I cried. Less than an hour later I got to hear my darling girl say, "This is Barbie Jr. Happy Mother's Day Mommy, I love you!" And yes, I cried again.

It's been a day I'll remember always.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go.
Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right.
You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together. -Marilyn Monroe

Thank you Carrie Bradshaw.

My favorite line of all times from television would be this line from Carrie Bradshaw on the final episode of Sex and the City.

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

It's silly to base your lifelong hope of true love on one phrase from one show. But it sums up how I feel. Because I do believe that sort of love is out there. Unfortunately, I haven't found it.

I married poorly. I married too young. I married for the wrong reasons. Don't get me wrong, I married asshat because I loved him. And I still do. I always will. I think he's my first love. But we were all wrong from the start. I let this madness get to here. And I'll be better off once I leave. And I will never give up on that "ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other-love."